What to say to a parent who has lost a teen

[youareminebestfavourite]

Hi all,
Our old friends have lost their 13 year old son in a tragic accident.
We haven't seen our friends in about 10 years but were at each other's wedding's and our extended families see each other frequently.
We did not know the son.
We want to send a card expressing our love and concern for them - is there anything we can say without sounding trite?

I'm so sorry that's tragic.
Do you have a happy memory of their son that you can regale? Have they shared information about him, his achievements that you can refer to. And saying how sorry you are in a way that is natural to you isn't trite.

It’s fine to say that you are sorry for their loss and you are thinking of them at this time.

There are no words that can fix this really. The only things to avoid are cards about their child being an angel / looking down from stars / clouds / God wanting their child more / it’s Gods will / they’ve gone to a better place etc etc etc.

Unless you are 100% sure that reflects their personal beliefs - and I guess from your Op that’s not the case, if you’ve not seen them for 10 years.

TBh they won’t really read the cards / letters right now, but they will see that you have got in touch and will appreciate that. It will be some weeks before they are able to sit down and read everything and take it in.

You might find out later that they are asking for donations to some charity on their sons name, and it would be nice to make a small donation to that, if you can afford it. As it’s a sudden death they might think of these things some weeks months down the line.

Sometimes it’s as simple as a gift to the local football team he played for etc.

You are a kind friend to think of them.

No platitudes, no ‘at least’, just acknowledge their incredible pain. Don’t say ‘I can’t imagine’ or ‘there are no words’.

Express your admiration for them as people, as parents, as a family. Remember them in 3 months, 6 months, a year, 2 years.

Remember his birthday and anniversary.

The cards that were sent with care and thought meant a lot to us. We did read that at the time and reread at a later date.

I think the main thing is you're getting in touch. I've come across a few articles about what not to say to grievers, but for me at least the only thing that actually hurt me was silence; grief is lonely. Although since you're asking for advice, I would echo the above. I think it's human nature to try and see the bright side (he's with the angels etc.) but that'll probably just highlight how awfully dark things actually are for them. When my brother died, all I wanted to hear is I am so sorry, we are thinking of you. Knowing I was in people's thoughts was the best support. And yes to keep on remembering - you won't be causing them any more pain by showing them you remember, but I imagine they'll appreciate the acknowledgement, and also the bravery it can take to reach out to people in pain.

When our 7yr old son died suddenly, there were very few friends and family who supported us. We had a full church at his funeral, but hardly anyone got in touch later, to see how we were. And we were struggling and in agony, and needed people. And had a 12 yr old who also needed support from our circle.

Try a card or a note, mentioning how saddened you were to hear this. And then drop another note some time after this, giving them an in, if they want to be in touch. Being a bereaved parent is very lonely and isolating, our whole friendship list changed. Some of the reactions from people just broke us.

mention their sons name. If you can, try and remember his birthday, and going forward, the Memorial Day of his death, to acknowledge what they’re going thru and how much their child is missed and remembered.

And thank you, you sound nice.

I had to do this when I was a teen myself and away at Uni (over 30 years ago). I had to send a message to the parents of my teenage friend who took his life, and the words are still etched on my memory. "Thinking of you - with love - at this terrible time".