Hi there,
I'm so sorry for your friend, and for you. The following dos and don'ts list is really popular with people on SANDS, so I thought I'd copy it here:
DO?S AND DON?TS
DO acknowledge our loss.
DO realize that our loss is real and our grief and healing process will be painful and take time.
DO offer a tear, hug or sign of love and concern.
DO attend the memorial service or help me arrange one.
DO understand that we ARE grieving the loss of a loved one and we need your love and support.
DO say, ?I am sorry about your loss?
?I know this is a hard time for you?
?I would like to help?
?Please tell me what I can do?
?Can I bring dinner over?
?I feel sad?
?I am here if you want to talk about it?
DO make a donation in memory of the baby.
DO bring a book or suggest a web site that might offer some comfort and/or understanding.
DO discuss other topics, since life must go on. However, be prepared that we will probable look at all other life issues light of our loss. Our loss will constantly be on our minds.
DO call a month later (parents never forget)
DO remember the anniversary date with cards and/or flowers.
DO try and educate yourself on what we may be going through ? it will help ease your discomfort on the subject as well.
DO NOT ignore our loss.
DO NOT be afraid to offer you love and support.
DO NOT be surprised if we accept your love and support.
DO NOT overlook my husband?s grief ? he lost his child too.
DO NOT say any of these insensitive remarks:
- ?Anything that starts with at least??
- ?It was for the best?
- ?Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise?
- ?It was God?s will?
- ?It must have been deformed or abnormal?
- ?Forget it, put it behind you?, ? Move on ?
- ?Thank goodness you didn?t have a chance to get to know him/her?
- ?Better now than later?
- ?You can always have another baby?
- ?You have other children?
- ?You?ll get over it??
DO NOT change the subject when we talk about our loss ? be our friends and listen.
DO NOT refer to our children as ?fetal tissue?, products of conception, embryo, or fetus.
DO NOT try to protect us from the pain of coming home empty-handed by removing baby items from our home. Although we are sure you are well intentioned, it will help us grieve if we do it ourselves at our own pace.