25 and Struggling

[Butterfly127]

I’m a 25 year old. I’m posting here, after sobbing my eyes out, hoping that someone with some life experience might be able to offer some advice.

I’ve gone through an extremely traumatic event in my younger siblings passing, following a 2 year ordeal with (misdiagnosed) rare brain cancer (only correctly diagnosed at autopsy). It caused so much suffering to my sibling.

We now face a public inquest into the death because, although there was a serious underlying condition, there was also mismanagement after an op that created a catastrophic brain injury that led to the death.

Continued :
On top of all this, my own life has gone down the toilet. I went to an amazing university (first in my family to go, state school, post industrial town). Secured a grad job, but after my brothers sudden death my mental health fractured and i developed panic disorder. Work weren’t accommodating, so I left. So I’ve had no income since March, had to move back to my parents and feel very low.

I see my friends get mortgages, partners, cars. Their adult lives are clicking into place gorgeously. No big traumas or huge adversities, it’s just all fallen into place and they are progressing. I have absolutely nothing to my name. I have to think hard about buying a coffee; the prospect of simply running a car is as out of reach as becoming Queen of England. I’m worried I’ll never get any of that. In truth, I’m worried I’ll always be single and unloved.

I really am at such a terrible point in my life.

My question to you, Mumsnet, is: will this ever get better? I haven’t the life experience to know.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my younger brother to cancer a few years back, and it was awful - similar to your situation the diagnosis was never really clear; his cancer should have been very treatable. The pain in the early days just ripped through me, but a few years down the line things are OK, you just have to hang in there, and keep talking - you've really been through the mill so there's no wonder you're feeling so low. On this board we're always here if you want to talk about your sibling, or have a good scream. Don't bother comparing yourself to your friends, you've had a major blow, which will take time to recover from. I doubt their lives are as great as they appear! Everyone suffers stress, and many of us suffer tragedy sooner or later. Your work didn't support you, shame on them. You have an excellent degree, that won't change. It sounds like you just need time and support to recover. This might sound obvious, but have you contacted Cruse or something similar? Counselling can really help.

Hi, thanks for the kind reply. Much appreciated.

So sorry you’ve been through similar - i really wish neither of us had. It’s terrible the pain isn’t it? Feels bottomless and so dark.

I don’t mean to compare to friends, I try not to, it makes me feel selfish and sh*t when I do, but it’s so hard not to when it appears like they’re progressing through life and I have this horrific thing that’s stopped my life. I do try to not let it get the better of me. So hard tho.

Thanks for being so kind and validating. I’ve definitely looked at the Cruse website but not reached out as of yet? Would you recommend to have a go? Thanks so much again

I didn't mean to appear to criticise for comparing yourself to others, we all do it (I definitely include myself here) but it's such a waste of time, life is peaks and troughs for everyone, although social media seems to ignore the troughs!

Yes the pain in the early days was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I didn't know sadness could be brutal until my brother died. It just blew me to bits at the time, but it doesn't anymore, it just pops up unexpectedly sometimes. I learnt that crying is a great healer. Things really are better and you wil come through too. I can't quite tell when your sibling died - was it very recently? If so it might even take a few months before you can even start examining your feelings, and a good counsellor won't rush you. The issue might be that any free counseling provided on the NHS is likely to be rather short term and brisk, I'm not sure about Cruse but I've heard they're good. I should say that I've had a lot of counselling for various reasons! You've experienced something major and complex, so you might want to consider something longer term, if you google 'low cost therapy' in your area, you might find some places do offer up to a year, sometimes for very low cost (£5 a session).

... and keep talking here, there's loads of support from people who really do get it!

I’m sorry for the loss of your sibling OP that’s a lot deal with at such a young age.

We’re all on different paths In life and each reach milestones at different times so please don’t ever let yourself compare yourself to friends. Of course you will have those things but life has thrown you a traumatic time so it’s ok to pause on everything until you feel strong enough to get back on track. There is no shame or failure in taking a break for your own mental health. You still have your degree and when you feel stronger you can look for new job opportunities then build your life up again from there. The dark times will end and eventually and you’ll build a life around the grief and trauma you’ve suffered and be stronger for it. Counselling is always a great option and I’m sure you’ll find it beneficial in the mean time be kind to yourself and allow for a pause