My sister and best friend died

[suchclearwater]

I honesty don't know how to carry on even the thought of taking the kids to school terrifies me. She was only in fee early 40s and we think it was a terrible mistake Just waiting on toxicology as pm was inconclusive. I feel so fucking guilty. I did my very best trying to get her to therapy and managed to get her to a psychiatrist once. It's all so unfair. She was so beautiful inside and out. I sill can't believe it. Maybe I'm still in shock. Has anyone lived through this who can offer some advice? I'm so fucking lonely without her.

I’m so sorry op. It absolutely is not your fault! I didn’t lose my sister but my DD five and a half years ago. Gradually you find a new normal and in that way it gets easier.
For now, if all you can do is breathe and keep nourished that is all you need to do.

I am very sorry about your sister.
I’m sure she knew you really tried to help her.

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry to hear this. 😭

I've heard good things about this book....

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0241270774/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_NJBvFbN1JXEQ5

I lost my cousin who was my best friend in our early 20s, she had cancer. It was horrendous at first, I just didn't understand how to go about life without her.

At first you'll have good and bad minutes, then hours, then days, weeks, months. It's good and bad years for me now 11 years on - I'll never stop missing or loving her, but now that grief is just a part of me that I carry around while I live life as usual.

This bit is hard, I'm so sorry.

Terrible thing to happen. I hope in time, you get better somehow xx

Yes, I lost my younger sister who was also my best friend to cancer 21 years ago - she was 33. There was 18 months between us so we were very close and I barely knew a life without her.

It's so so hard and my heart goes out to you truly - I still miss my sister (who was my only sibling) terribly and miss what we should have been able to share over the years but obviously the day-to-day gets easier.

I don't think I've ever stopped mourning the loss of her but I have learnt to live with it, and her dying has just become a part of me and my history.

Be kind to yourself, and let yourself grieve - take your time.

I’m so sorry.

Could these people be helpful?

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry

Ghastly grim.
I lost a much loved friend and their PM was ''Inconclusive''....He too was in early 40's.
Still no one is sure what happened. He was found at home..{He had suffered depression} I just hope and pray your dear Sister was 'Natural causes' as it is easier to bear that way.
How can a PM be ''Inconclusive''?...I just don't get it.

So sorry..

@suchclearwater
None of us can 'Save' another..It is just impossible. No one can be supervised 24/7, and I understand your irrational 'Guilt' ..as I felt the same re friend.. 'Why didn't I do more?' ..... I too feel guilt over friend, It was my actions that caused him to be found-{He didn't turn up for walk, wasn't replying to texts..or to his front door}.

I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Life is so unfair. Grief can feel a lot like fear. Try and take things slowly, 10 minutes at a time, it’s so overwhelming.

Is there anyone you can get support from? A friend, another family member, support group or church (but pls excuse me if this is not appropriate).Please tell us about her, we can listen and be a shoulder to cry on.

And I hope someone, somewhere, is helping you get through your day.

I'm so very sorry you lost your sister. Your feelings of guilt are normal, but that doesn't make them any less painful and all encompassing. I lost my sister quite suddenly many years ago when she was 27 and I was 28. She died of a brain abscess and, believe me, I found many, many ways to feel guilty.

I don't have any wise words, but my heart goes out to you

I am so sorry op - take a small steps every day - don't think about the future, just take your time. Accept help from others. Consider organising some bereavement counselling? Hugely comforting and helpful to many people

my sister took her life at 30.The last phone i had she seemed sad i couldn't go to her birthday but i said its ok we will see each other soon.She lived so far away and it was a time in my life when i had no money to my name.I still think about it i just wanted to get to know her more but never got the chance .

You think of what ifs and wanting to do more but all you can do is accept and try to remember the better times rather than the sad ones.It takes a lot of time so dont feel rushed to grieve

I lost my mum to suidide 2 years ago @suchclearwater - I know you're not yet sure that's the case with your sister, but either way I'm so so sorry you are going through this. it's awful. Almost impossible to see how you'll ever recover at the time. But I promise, you can and you will.

Right now having children to think of and manage just feels like another burden, but my daughter absolutely saved me - having to keep going for her gave me something to hang on to when I was going under. Hold your children close, just being with them and loving them will keep you connected to your old life and help keep you afloat.

I want to tell you not to feel guilty. But I know it's so much easier said than done. I still feel like I could or should have done more to prevent my mother dying. I dream about it. But something that clicked with me in counselling was going through all the things she had going on at the time she chose to die and realising how small my part was in that. It's hard not to see the thing you could have done as being potentially transformative; but realistically, no one person can completely turn another's life around. You could never have protected her from everything, or shepherded her through every step of recovery. Her life was out of your hands.

I really strongly recommend that you try and get some counselling as soon as you feel able to (took me almost 4 months, I was so caught up in sorting everything out - I left it too late, I was really not very well by the time I got help).

Please be kind to yourself. Don't feel like you have to keep soldiering on with life as usual. You don't. Something terrible has happened. Lots of people have to go through grief, and it doesn't get accorded enough time and respect; but losing someone like this has a lot of terrible trauma attached to it, a lot of the usual comforting thoughts won't apply, and you need time to find your own way through the uniquely awful feelings it throws up.

I'm so sorry about your sister

Also YY to UKSOBS. So many people have experienced bereavement and think they can help you through with their experiences, but talking to people who really know what it's like to have lost someone in this particular way is like oxygen when your thoughts are churning and you feel like you can't say what you're thinking because it sounds 'too awful' or 'too heavy'. I had a phone call with the local leader, only called to find out about meetings, but we talked for an hour and I felt so so much better afterwards - like a huge weight was off my chest. It came back, it comes and goes, but as a release valve it was timely and essential xx

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages and I am so sorry that you have all had such painful experience

I'm so sorry you've lost your sister @suchclearwater

I lost my younger brother a few years ago, to cancer. It hurt like hell, I never knew sadness could be so violent, there were times it just blew me away, leaving me totally smashed. Much like others have said, you learn to bear the loss and life will return, but it's a new normal you just have to adjust to. I would even describe myself (tentatively!) as happy, and also that I've learnt how to be happy will holding onto sadness at the same time. You will learn to adapt too, don't worry too much about how you'll carry on; in the early days all you can do is take each minute as it comes, cry as much as you need. And please do talk about your sister here if you want, we'd love to hear about her.