Struggling with MIL’s passing

[Afternooninthepark]

My MIL passed away last Thursday.
She had been unwell for a few years but was doing ok, this year not so well and treatment put on hold due to bloody Covid. 6 weeks ago she started to become very unwell, she had a two week stint in hospital where they told her they could do no more for her. During this time we could not visit because of the virus. She then went into hospice three weeks ago, only one visitor per day because of the virus. Last weekend they put her on the end of life pathway and two at a time could visit.
DH and I would go in together. It was awful, she was in immense pain and we will never forget the things she said or the things she asked us to do for her (ie help put her out of her pain etc).
When she passed I sat with her for an hour which I thought was the right thing to do at the time but now I’m not so sure.
DH was close to his mum and during the last week visiting her he was in pieces but since her passing he seems calmer and ok, he said he couldn’t stand seeing her like that and now she is in peace which has given him peace.
But I feel like crap, I can stop crying but am doing it in private as I don’t want to upset dh. I keep thinking about the fact she isn’t here anymore, feel guilty if I feel happy because she will never again be able to be happy. If I eat something nice I feel bad that she will never eat nice food. It goes on and on.
DH and his family are practical people and will just ‘get on with things’ including my FIl who was married to MIL for 60 years. I, on the other hand suffer from anxiety and depression and feel and overthink everything.
How do I grieve like this, in private without going crazy?

I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s very early days yet and you need to give it a bit of time. People grieve differently and there’s nothing wrong with that, you don’t need to change. Perhaps see how you go the next few weeks? It sounds like the end of her life was very hard but you were there for her and helped as best you could

Thisisnotnormal69 thank you.

Bumping for you in case anyone has helpful thoughts...

You need to talk to your DH and FIL. Bottling it up is the worst thing you can do

Have you thought about contacting Cruse? They support people and help them cope with their grief. It is a great way to get support that is focused on you and the ways you grieve. Take care.

Sending you a hug. My mother in law died completely out of the blue at the beginning of lockdown. It was a complete shock to all of us and I am still struggling and finding it really hard because she loved us all so much and would do absolutely anything for any of us yet her sons and grandsons and husband seem to be getting on with life without her. Maybe men grieve differently. We couldn't even have a proper funeral.

Take it one day at a time. You can honour her in your thoughts and in your heart xxx

Thank you everyone.
OfficialLurker think I may contact Cruse, thanks.
Campervan69 Sorry for your loss. I am feeling the same as you, MIL was such a family person and loved all her children and grandchildren so very much, it feels so tough. Maybe men do grieve differently.

My much loved MinL died almost 8 years ago and I can completely understand the feelings you are going through. Her cancer diagnosis was a bolt from the blue as she was the fittest person in her early 60s. I will never forget her last words to me about looking after her family for her.

DH’s family her very much ‘get on with life’ and organise things whilst I was absolutely distraught and struggled along with some work issues at the same time.

My only suggestion is to find someone you can talk to - a bereavement charity like PP suggested, therapist, good friend, just someone you can really talk to. I bottled it up and along with others things that happened around it the emotions became a powder keg and I was fairly close to a complete breakdown a year later.

Please talk to someone, it is very early days and I am still filled with sadness when I see things she is missing and would love particularly in relation to her grandchildren.

Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug and

Thank you suziedoozy. I will need to talk to someone as I suppose not only am I grieving for my lovely mil I am, in some ways grieving for my own mum (who is very much with us still!). I am very close to her but she has Alzheimer’s and is getting worse, as is the case with this disease. I feel that am losing her too, month by month. I keep,thinking back to when I met my dh 30 years ago and my mum and mil were well, happy and in the prime of their lives 😩

Don't feel you have to hide it from your DH.
People grieve differently and that's OK. When my FiL died I cried every day for six months, but when my Mum died I was very calm even though her partner was grieving much more conventionally. We didn't feel like we had to pretend to each other - he cried, I didn't, it was just how things were at the time.

It is very sad and it's natural to feel all those things. But also, the comforting things you might say to a friend going through the same thing - they are true too.

I found when I lost my FiL that as well as losing him specifically, I'd lost the person I was pouring a lot of love and caring and nurturing into and my life had a big hole in it. Later that year we adopted a pet whose older owner had passed away and who was (in their animal way) also grieving, and I think we sort of fitted each other. I could be wrong but it may be that you need someone or something to love too, now your MiL no longer needs you?
💐

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think it can feel like you're not "allowed" to grieve for in-laws to the same extent as your DH and his family. You maybe see yourself as only in a supporting role. But she was part of your family.

It is a tricky balance of course. I read good advice about this kind of "in the middle" role. If you imagine concentric circles of mourners with your FIL at the centre and then your DH and any siblings and maybe any grandchildren and then any siblings of your MIL and you etc. It will be different for different families. All of you have every right to grieve as much as you need to and to any intensity. Nobody can dictate that BUT you need to think about leaning on people out the way, not in IFSWIM?

So you lean on your friends, your side of the family, cruse wherever and you support your DH and any DC you have. But please do share with your DH how you're feeling.

I still miss my PIL. Died 5 and 10 years ago and I miss their presence in our family life so much. I felt for a long time that I needed to be strong for my DH but after a spell of couple counselling I realised I needed space to grieve myself.

Thank you.

Op I am so sorry you and your dh have gone through this and at such a difficult time too.

Lost both of my parents recentlyish. I’ve found it really helpful to think - really think and sometimes say out loud - ‘mum would want nothing more than for me to be ok’. It really helps me.

You are in really early days though and need to allow yourself to feel and act as happens. If it were me I’d think talking it through with your dh would be really helpful so you don’t feel the need to keep it all private. Doesn’t sound helpful to add in feeling guilty about how you are feeling so that you need to hide it.

Sounds as though you did everything right by your mil and she will have known that. That itself is a privilege. Use that knowledge to do what you can now for your own mum. It made a big difference to my own grief that I could think ‘we did what was needed and couldn’t have done much better’. That helped with thoughts about what we could have done better.

Lots of good advice above. Literally take one day at a time and don’t keep it all bottled up / released privately.