How often should I be visiting Dad’s hospice?

[YouAfterMe]

He has said he does not want to see me any more.

On grounds that he’s mainly sleeping now and on grounds that I should be focussed on getting kids set for school.

When I have visited (he’s been there 2 weeks now) - each visit has been ‘themed’ around a practical concern he wanted to discuss - but we’ve run out of those ‘excuses‘.

Two people expressed their sympathy recently and seemed to assume I would be going over there very frequently - and it’s touched a nerve ... shame maybe? ... that I’m not.

I don’t really know how I personally feel about it. Maybe a little stepped on that the rules have been framed more like that I’m providing a service than that I am someone that he might just want to spend time with. But then again - the last few visits were nice - and if they had been the last memories I would have been happy - just that it’s been 5 days now - which feels kind of weird to not have made the trip.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want a visit. My mum is there every day - and apparently she’s much more useful than me. He tends to get grumpy when his ‘control’ is breached - but it’s hard to tell whether he’d actually like to see me - if someone took away him having to worry about taking me away from kids etc etc.

What’s the right way to handle it?

Oh that’s really difficult. Can you talk it over with your mum and see what she thinks?

What does your mum say ?
Perhaps he wants to protect you from seeing something that might distress you, or perhaps this isn’t way he wants you to remember him.
How would you feel if you never saw him alive again ?
You don’t want to distress him by going against his wishes, but you have got the rest of your life to live with your decision.
Is it possible to pop in when he’s asleep if you do want to go ?

Can you frame it as a gift he can give to you? That you would like to spend time with him for your sake?

DH says that if it were him he’d ‘whoops’ forget himself and pop in any way.

I’m a but cautious about that - because I’m afraid I’ll ‘swap’ a lovely last visit for a grumpy one.

Plus it’s a 2hr drive each way - so it is kind of weird and histrionic to do that when I’m not wanted.

Two visits ago I brought photo albums and asked if he’d look at them with me ‘to pick photos to share with friends’ (

There's no right or wrong but your father like many wants you to think of the needs of those at the beginning of their lives, which I think is admirable. Do you have a good idea of likely prognosis? If so speak to your mother and work out a visiting schedule, to support her as much as him. If you need a "reason" concoct one to have a good visit just in case it's the last each time. It's a long way so don't beat yourself up trying to get there, he is putting you first which sadly many Mumsnet posts express opposite

I'm so sorry OP.

Find excuses to go.

He’s beaten his prognosis - it was a week ten days ago...

He’s been spiralling down all month - I lived with them while he was at home - and I was travelling frequently when he first went into hospital/hospice - because there seemed to be a lot of urgency to get everything that needed his input sorted (e.g. he wanted creative input into headstone design).

But kind of in ‘the eye of the storm now’ - and we’ve run out of jobs and frantic - and its weirdly still. This is bonus time - and it feels like I am not making good use of it.

Whenever I ask about visiting - he directs me
to visit Mum - which I take on board - but this week I would say that getting the kids launched into school would take priority over extended visits to Mum (not being heartless - kids and me have spent extended periods there - but the last few days before school they need to be at home and have their Mum around).

Obv the decision would go a different way if it was a flying visit to someone who I don’t expect to be alive to visit next week!

That's so hard OP. I suspect that he is trying to protect you. The process of dying is often not a nice thing to see and to him, you are still his little girl and he may think it's his job to shield you. From your perspective of course you are a grown woman and want to be there for him and take you own comfort from doing so.

Can your mum convince him that it's in your best interests to be involved? I don't think you should visit against his wishes as he may feel uncomfortable and nobody would want that.

The last time I saw my father he didn't want to see me and made me wait outside the room as he talked to my (adult) DD. I was glad I went (especially as I knew it was almost certainly the last time I would see him) even though I only saw him through a slightly open door. I would go OP.

Could your mum use a break for a day which you would be 'covering'? I would be trying to go every other day I think although I understand your reluctance to trigger a negative visit.

I would respect his wishes - at this stage it's about him.

Go with the children and say goodbye, but ensure that he knows you will be there in a heartbeat.

Tbh - Mum has had a few ‘you’re doing everything wrong’ scoldings - and much like me is slightly walking on eggshells to not risk
him bowing out on cross words. She says “I will do as I’m told - and he says your visits are unnecessary”.

He’s very proud and fiercely independent. The thing he’s enjoyed least about the last month was the loss of control. There’s some odd way in which when he’s ‘institutionalised’ he dissociates from needing care.

There’s a hospital bed waiting for him at home - but he actively lobbied to be admitted as inpatient to the hospice because he seemed bothered by the idea of something horrible or undignified happening when he was among his family.

It’s a bit like cats - leaving home to die. Just with added back rubs from DMum.

And yes - like @Shakirasma said - I am really very hardy to the demands of nursing. I appreciate that he doesn’t want the demands of this to eat my family life - but it is sad to be blocked - like that control wins over intimacy.

@bookgirl1982 - yes possibly - everyone really is very tired after the August we have had - though I’d be worried about putting the idea in his head that he’s a burden on her & pulling up the shutters entirely

Handhold OP I found myself in this situation a few ago with a relative I loved deeply.

He refused to see my grown up children, which was out of character, he did agreed to see me & DH. It’s was a difficult visit. He wanted DH to help him, but he couldn’t verbalise, probably due to Syringe Driver being in place.

I went back to see him again, DH couldn’t face it & if I am honest I wish I didn’t. He was in a very agitated state & quite aggressive, which I know he would never usually be and certainly not with me. It’s a lasting memory sadly.

Do what’s right for you OP. Be kind to yourself.

just go op, you won’t regret that but you might regret not going.

all the best to you x

When my dad was dying, he didn't want to talk about the fact he wouldn't be here anymore, or be bombarded with emotional goodbyes and conversations that made him feel sad. In fact he rarely spoke about his illness unless he was in pain. I wonder if you could go and visit, but just keep the conversation light and general on a topic he enjoys. And with my dad we found it better not to talk too much about the future as he couldn't get excited about something he knew he wouldn't be a part of. I also found it better not to focus on the fact he was so unwell or fuss about his comfort etc. Just sit with him. Eat your lunch together. Maybe watch a film on a laptop, read to him or listen to music if he is struggling to concentrate. Play cards or scrabble etc. Find something you can do together to distract him from the scary thing he is facing for half an hour. Don't give him a choice about you not coming. He will of course want to be with you, he just clearly doesn't want to be a burden or to frighten you as it gets closer to the end. Honestly you won't regret going to spend time with him while he is still conscious, despite what he has told you.

I'd go if and when you know it's near the end. People who work in hospices generally can sense this. To be with someone on their last breath is the last gift you give each other.

He may just not have the heart to say he's worried about you passing on CV19 from the kids going back to school to the staff and other patients?

I was told not to go late when my mum was dying. I was young and she and older adults said not to.
For 25 years i have been heartbroken i didnt get that time. I would give anything to go back. It is a pain that will never leave me ever.
Hospices tend not to admit a dying patient to die if they are more than 2 weeks away from death. This really is your last time. Think carefully about how you will feel later.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

My mum said she didn't want anyone to visit her, but, both me and my stepdad wanted to be there in case she changed her minds so we went to the hospice and hung out in the gardens/walked around the town/sat in her room whilst she slept. It was nice. Also, a few times a nurse came to find me to say that my mum was asking for me and she did want to see me after all.

I didn't visit the day before she died, and I do feel a bit guilty about that... but... she didn't know she wasn't going to wake up when she went to sleep that night so I shouldn't think she minded, but for me, I'd have liked to have said goodbye one more time and given her one last gentle cuddle and kiss.

I would go, OP, even if you just do what I did and hang around on the off chance.

I went.

In fact 3 visits after my OP.

First time - a relative conveniently went into self isolation - and I sprung to my civic duty of dropping off a care package - and them told him I ‘might as well’ pop in.

Then repeat with a different ruse for why I ‘had’ to be in the area anyway.

Third visit I was requested - including children - which was a big change from where we started.

Last thing he said was ‘can you all come back next weekend - I’ll hang on to see you again’.

Thank you for the encouragement to be a bit pushy.

Hope you are ok OP

[happy] I'm glad you were able to sidle past the barrier. It sounds like he's getting a lot out of being there.