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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Coping with termination

24 replies

jamjac · 04/10/2007 22:22

hello wondered if anyone out there has any advice / simular experience?? I had a termination 5 months ago at 12 weeks following a scan. My baby's skull hadn't formed properly and I wasn't given any hope that it would survive. But I have felt so awful since, wondering if I gave up on my baby too soon, or if there was anything that could have been done. I had previously had my lovely ds then 2 miscarrages then my lovely dd then the termination, so have been pg with v wonderful outcomes and v awful outcomes.But have never felt as bad as this. It has taken me a long time to admit how badly this has affected me - have had counselling but stupidly couldn't talk about how bad it felt. Just wondered if any of you out there knew????

OP posts:

morningpaper · 04/10/2007 22:23

no advice but I'm sure someone will be along shortly

just lots of sympathy while you are waiting xxx

PeachesMcScream · 04/10/2007 22:41

Bumping for you. Not a similar experience here, but I suspect in the same situation I'd have done the same. ie, if the doctors say there's no hope of survival. If they can be certain at 12 weeks, then there really isn't much hope.

If you want to talk here about just how bad it felt, please do. I had counselling for the loss of a baby, though in different circumstances. It did feel really bad. Which bits were you holding back on?

Original poster

jamjac · 04/10/2007 22:43

Thank you morningpaper. No advice is fine, your sympathy makes a lot of difference. Thank you.

OP posts:

stressteddy · 04/10/2007 22:45

jamjac - talk to us as much or as little as you like. Today, tomorrow or next week. Whenever you want to.
Love to you

SpawnCorpses · 04/10/2007 22:50

Poor you! That must have been incredibly hard. Do you have the option of going back for more counselling, and if so do you think you would be able to talk about it now?

Original poster

jamjac · 04/10/2007 22:51

Hi Peaches. I'm so sorry for your loss. I just felt unable to tell my counsellor how lost and guilty i felt. In my head i know I made the right decision (I think) but in my heart i feel that i killed my baby and will never be able to forgive myself. I would love to try again but my dh doesn't want to as he's too worried about the same thing happening again.

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PeachesMcScream · 04/10/2007 23:01

You need to forgive yourself, you really do. The whole thing about grief is to achieve acceptance and that can be a long process. I don't know about you but there were so many "what if's" in my head, which can drive you mad, because none of them actually happened. eg What if they'd done this? What if that had happened?
Only one thing happened, you had no choice, and you need to trust that you were given the right advice.
But it's no easy thing. Am really feeling for you.

stiefyloo · 04/10/2007 23:03

Glad to offer advice tonight as I opened up to a good friend today for the first time about a termination I had 12 yrs ago. Now have 2dd's and a ds but was very young and with someone very unsuitable at the time. I sought out counselling myself. One of the 'breakthroughs' was when my counsellor asked me to visualise that woman (me) and embrace her. Understand her difficult and painful decision and forgive her for it. She also suggested that I allow myself to imagine what the sex of my baby was and perhaps consider a name which I might have liked. I now think of my child in this way and I believe (realise that this might be considered contraversial on the boards but it's only my personal belief) that there will be a time in the future when I will be reunited with my child and I hope that he will understand and forgive me for the difficult decision I had to make. I send you love and support tonight during this sad time for you and hope you find a way to move on.

PeachesMcScream · 04/10/2007 23:05

Can the doctors advise on the possibility of the same thing happen again? Can sympathise with your dh. I know in my head that the same wouldn't happen to me again, but the experience has put me off having a second child, like your dh. But then both of us were against the idea, so it was more straightfoward. Given time and acceptance your dh may feel differently. I hope so.
PMxxx

PeachesMcScream · 04/10/2007 23:07

SC you may want to change your Halloween name back to normal before posting on this thread again

Original poster

jamjac · 04/10/2007 23:40

Thank you all for replying - it makes such a difference, I can't tell you. And love to those of you who had had loses too. I do feel that one day i might be reunited with my "lost" children (understand the controversy but hope to be with them one day). No help on whether it might happen again or not, but am now 39 so likelyhood of something going wrong is only getting higher. Understand where dh is coming from, don't think i could cope with this happening again. But still ache for a baby ...

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SpawnChorus · 05/10/2007 12:30

So sorry Peachy...That was thoughtless of me . Actually it creeps me out so I've abandoned it entirely.

Jamjac - how are you feeling today?

Original poster

jamjac · 05/10/2007 12:44

Better for having talked about it here, thanks SpawnChorus. Have been bottling it up (then reaching for the bottle!!) so this has been really helpful. Nice to know people care. Just found out that a good friend is pg - ever so pleased for her, esp as she miscarried last time, but v selfishly can't help feeling sorry for myself!

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SpawnChorus · 05/10/2007 13:36

Not selfish at all. Keep talking on here for as long as it helps.

Original poster

jamjac · 05/10/2007 22:25

Peaches talked about achieving acceptance as part of grieving, as did my counsellor, but I don't know how - in a way i'm not even sure i want to as i feel that somehow if i "get over" this then i'll be giving up on my baby all over again. Crazy eh?

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Habbibu · 05/10/2007 22:40

Jamjac - I'm so so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter at 21 weeks in June 2005 to anencephaly - is this what affected your little one? You're still really in the early stages of grief, and what you're feeling is entirely normal. I thought I'd never smile again, and didn't want to. Still miss my first baby, though we've had her little sister since, but life is much brighter than I ever imagined it would be again. Hang on in there - there will be brighter days ahead.

Habbibu · 05/10/2007 22:43

Oh, and you won't "get over" it, but you'll find a place for it in your life. Does that make sense? You'll never forget your little ones who aren't with you now.

Original poster

jamjac · 05/10/2007 22:53

Habbibu - yes, my little one did have anencephaly, just like yours. I'm so sorry you lost your little girl, esp at 21 wks. Must have been really hard. Glad to hear you've now got a dd & can smile again. Must admit that my ds & dd do make me smile.

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Habbibu · 05/10/2007 23:07

Oh Jamjac - there is NOTHING you could have done to help your little one. I don't know what happens at a 12 week termination, but I can tell you that when I saw my daughter and her poor little head I knew that I could not have helped her, she could NOT have survived. Other anencephaly things - as far as I am aware it's not age related at all. High dose folic acid reduces the risk dramatically, but has to be taken at least 3 months before conception.

Practical stuff over for now - keep talking! Have you found the SANDS forum at all? www.sandsforum.org - quite a few people there have been through the same thing, and nothing ever seems crazy there!

Original poster

jamjac · 05/10/2007 23:29

Habbibu - bless you. I didn't get to see my baby or find out if it was a boy or girl. At 12 wks it's just like a D&C. My heart goes out to you, going through that. Thank you for telling me about your little girl - I guess because I didn't ever get to see mine I've always had some doubt about how bad it was / was it even true (was told it was a servere case and have no reason to doubt that but still...)

Did know about the folic acid. I'd even made an appointment to see the dr to get some when my dh told me he didn't want to try again, which was a bit gutting. Still at least he said before i started.

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PeachesMcScream · 06/10/2007 14:38

Hi jamjac Re your comment earlier about acceptance - not crazy at all.

Just because those of us who have reached that state of acceptance talk about it endlessly, and your counsellor says that's where you need to aim, doesn't mean the journey's not important and you should sort of skip a few stages to get there. That's the thing about giving yourself time to grieve, you have to get a few emotions out of the way first before you can get there. And accepting is not the same as giving up.

Sorry, starting to sound like a an amateur counsellor in a patterned jumper now. Probably with a big beard. Hope I'm making some sense...

Habbibu · 06/10/2007 15:09

Jamjac, actully, little P's birth was quite lovely, strange to say. I think it did help to see her - I made myself look really closely at her head, just to know for sure how bad it was. And it is bad, anencephaly. It's heartbreakingly bad. She had a gorgeous little face and body, but the top of her skull was simply not there, and it's so obvious that she had no chance of survival.

5 months is no time at all in terms of grief. Your husband may have a change of heart as well, or it may be another thing you have to come to terms with - all I'd advise is to leave all doors open right now. Is your due date coming up soon? That's a milestone that many people find tough.

Original poster

jamjac · 06/10/2007 20:55

Peaches - I really don't imagine you with a beard!! You make a lot of sense. Rationally I do understand what you mean about the difference between acceptance and giving up, but emotionally am not quite there yet.

Habbibu - Thank you so much for sharing so much about your little girl with me. In many ways I wish I'd got to meet my little one, but don't for one moment think that wouldn't be one of the hardest things in the world. I have never spoken to anyone with an anencephalic baby before so this has been really helpful, thanks. I have just registered with SANDS following your advice.

I was due at the beginning of november and am dreading the day.

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Habbibu · 06/10/2007 22:09

Hi there

P was due on 27th Oct - funny, as my husband's birthday is 19th and my daughter was almost his birthday present (18th). I like all my little family having the same month, but we do also celebrate P's birthday in June. The due date is really hard to anticipate, but most people I know find it isn't quite as bad as they expected. For me it was somehow a relief - I could stop thinking that I was supposed to be pregnant, if you see what I mean.

SANDS is brilliant - really saved my sanity many many times. I'm CSandP there, and will look out for you.

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