Coping with flashbacks

[Newstart20]

A year ago I lost my Dad to cancer. It came as a complete shock and things happened very quickly. Within 3 weeks he went from being mildly unwell (misdiagnosed) to passing away. His decline was very traumatic but we stayed with him 24/7. I'm really struggling with flashbacks, particularly related to him begging us to help him. We couldn't help him as all he wanted was not to die. I thought time would help but a year later I feel just as bad as when it happened. Any tips for coping with flashbacks?

So sorry for your loss. I'm sorry, I don't have any experience with flashbacks but hopefully someone will be able to help. I just found out today that my Dad died on Saturday and, although different circumstances,it's very hard.

Hi, my auntie had similar problems some years back and had EFT ("tapping therapy") which, to everyone's surprise particularly hers, worked. From what I understand EMDR (which wasn't around then) has even better results. So worth finding out about that.

I'm going through the same thing . I found my mom dead 7 years ago and seemed to just get on with things but this year only lately I keep feeling like I need to ring her to tell her something about kids or general news etc and then I remember she's gone it's getting quite upsetting for me now
Hope your ok 🌸💗

I don't know what the answer is - have you considered some type of bereavement counselling? I'm sure it's hard to come by in these times but worth it if you can get it. I lost my Dad 3 years ago in very much the same way - he went from his initial doctor's appointment to dead in less than 2 weeks. He had a rare cancer that had spread everywhere. I've actually never talked to anyone else who experienced such a quick death from cancer.

I live abroad and am tormented by the fact that he asked for me not to be told, his wishes were respected till very near the end. I came as soon as I could but he was heavily sedated by then. It was awful seeing him like that and I'm sad that it's my last memory of him, though I think I'd have regretted it more if I'd decided not to go. I do get flashbacks when I can't get the whole thing out of my head, I mostly just picture him there in the hospital and remember the all consuming fear that started when I found out.

Sorry, this is meant to be about you, i have probably said too much. I guess I'm just trying to say these feelings are probably not unusual after a sudden death like your dad's. I do think the first year was the hardest and that things start to improve, maybe only a tiny bit at a time, after that. Talk about your dad with family members if you can - remember the good times so that you hopefully dwell less on the bad times at the end.

Happy to chat more if you want a listening ear from someone who's been through it. I wish you strength

My dad died 15 years ago. I've never really thought about flashbacks. He went into hospital on the Wednesday because I insisted, after he'd collapsed at work. Saturday I was called in and sat with him for 5 hours watching him die.
I also had a 3 month old.
To this day, the way he died affects me. Maybe I should ask about some form of therapy myself. As long as its not cbt.

@MountainDweller I am moving house today so I haven't got time to write a long reply. It sounds like a very similar story, I just wanted to say I'll be back to chat more soon.

for everyone who has gone through the same experience

OP I've come to realise that I'm similarly haunted by my father's death, 2 years ago. I'm going to have EMDR, I've had it before for other issues, and found it quite effective. I don't quite know how, something about reliving the memories with a therapist (and the ticking sound!) changes them, so that they're less distressing.

I’m going through the same next Tuesday will mark the 1st year, I don’t remember a night where his last hour is my last vision before I fall asleep and I normally wake with a jolt gasping for breath like he was, it’s intensified the last month knowing what’s looming.

Personally I’m going to look to get some kind of bereavement counselling, he was diagnosed with a cancer a week before he died, also misdiagnosed for months beforehand, the cancer he had this wouldn’t have changed the outcome but I can’t help but feeling if we knew we could have done things differently, even his last week we had no idea that it was, we had a couple of hours notice basically. I just feel your mental pain, know you are not alone and maybe seek some help like I plan too.

I had to recreate my dads last hours for the benefit of my sister. She was jealous that I'd sat with him. Why would anybody want to know what it was like? Fortunately I haven't spoken to her toxic self for 5 years now.

@Newstart hope the move went well. Don't feel obliged to rush back here!

I'm pleased and sad to hear of others in similar positions. Emmalugs your situation sounds like mine, very short time between diagnosis and death - in fact the primary cancer was not known when my father died as the doctors were waiting for biopsy results. I think he was fobbed off too though he was definitely too stoic. In fact that's one of the things I dwell on - that he was very ill and in pain for some months, but felt he had to keep going.

I still dream that he's alive, very vivid dreams, then I wake up and realise...

Have just started with a new counsellor, it's for pain management really, but she is more interested in my past than the previous one 🤞🏻

@Gingaaarghpussy I wonder if she's guilty she wasn't there? Awful for you though. I was really lucky that my stepmum kept notes of everything that happened and let me see them. It meant I could know what happened re doctors, how he was each day, etc, leading up to his death, without he having to relive it. It helped me understand how he'd gone from fine to comatose in just over a week.

Oh, she did feel guilty. She lived 4 hours away and had not been nice to our dad. I wasn't the one to call her, I refused to, because she hadn't been a sister for years.

I have constant flashbacks of the phone call when I learned my father had killed himself. I was at work, and my boss had to come and pick me up off the floor. It’s really traumatic and hits me quite regularly. It’s been a year and 3 months, But it all just seems very raw and unreal.

This sounds similar to what I had and I was diagnosed with PTSD. Don't underestimate the struggle you went through - while staying strong on the outside for everybody else probably. What helped me was a combination of drugs and counselling for anxiety. I hope you find your way home.

Another one here. My dad died on Wednesday. Almost the same circumstances as the OP. Been poorly with loads of things for years but then it all took a turn over the last fortnight. He went in to hospital last Thursday and deteriorated at break-neck speed. Got the call on Wednesday night that he'd passed away. The shock is so raw. It's terrible to read how often it's happened to others.

Hi OP, i'm terribly sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a parent but my DD was stillborn at the end of last year. Since January I have been having bereavement counselling which I have found a great help. Talking through all the different emotions I am experiencing has really helped me process things.

DH was disgnosed with acute PTSD about three months ago. We lost DD whilst I was in labour and he had been having flasbacks and nightmares of the labour and delivery. He started EMDR treatment with a therapist and although there is still a long way to go, it does seem to be helping him. He has also tried really hard to minmise other life stresses, including quitting his job (not necessarily recommended for everyone!), and has focused on his mental wellbeing including doing meditation and a fair amount of exercise which seems to work for him. I would highly recommend seeing if you can get some support, either counselling or therapy to help you through this. Don't try to battle through pn your own if it is too much, grief is a powerful beast.

I had emdr after the traumatic death of dd1. It was very difficult at the time, and I still have flashbacks but find them easier to cope with.