overwhelmed and scared

[blisstwins]

My mother is sick with cancer and the last few years have been so challenging I don't know how to think straight or how to get through what's to come. In 2016 my then-husband left for a co-worker who is 22 years younger. He had a child with her before I even filed for divorce and then made the proceedings a horror. He has two children now and does not see the ones we had together (no one in his family does). Supporting them through this has been hard and it was hard for me in the beginning too (grateful now that I know his character).
During these events, my only sibling suddenly died. He was in his 40s and we thought he had a cold. Then my uncle, who was also my children's nanny and a surrogate grandfather, died on an aneurysm. Just before then my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She is the last member of my family. My sibling had never married or had children. My mom has been a rock for me and we are closer than ever. When my husband left she came to live with me for a few weeks and I normally see her several times a week. She is very close to my children and I love her so dearly. She is the only person in the world who knows and loves me.
She has outlived her original diagnoses incredibly, but things have turned for the worse and I am afraid she has a few months left at most. I am a teacher and am about to go back to school, though I am scared about the pandemic and passing things on to her never mind the fact that my children have no one if I die. But that is a back of the mind fear....I just don't know what living without my mom or any relative outside of my children will feel like. I don't think I can shoulder the burdens anymore and honestly I feel so broken by all the loss. I am behind in every aspect of my life. I am on antidepressants, but all I have wanted to do for a long time is sleep. I am worried I will lose my job, I am worried I will just stop. I know people have worse, but it is too much grief. This has all happened over the last 3 years. My mom is such a special woman--such a good mom. I am so scared and sad.

@blisstwins, this is so, so tough. I cannot believe what you have had to go through in the last few years. Anyone would struggle with all those losses.

How old are your children? Do you have any close friendships? Have you had any form of counselling?

Yes....I sometimes feel guilty because I know people go through worse with fewer supports. I am on antidepressants and did counseling for a good bit when my ex-husband left. Honestly, aside from the impact on my children (young teenagers) and an occasion sick feeling that my life was a lie, I am grateful he left. I was so adamant I would give my children a different childhood than mine (parents were divorced) that I would have stayed. I grew up with a large extended family and moved back to my hometown because family has always been so important to me, but when my mom passes everyone is gone. It will just be me and my kids and I don't think it is fair for them to feel responsible for me. They have already seen me cry so much. I do have good friendships and I am so grateful. I don't even know what I am trying to say--life is hard, we don't get all the things we wish for. I get it. I just want my mom and for there to be time for things to be a little more steady before having to grieve. My exhusband tried to use my brother's death to decrease his support to the children (he assumed I would inherit my brother's property since he had not children). Instead it went to my mom. So I had no real chance to grieve my brother and I know he will have me back in court as soon as my mother dies.
And when I sit down to do work or paperwork I cannot concentrate at all.

Please don't feel guilty - this IS a lot to cope with and you are entitled to feel as you do. I'm glad you have some good friendships.

I can't say anything that will make the loss of your mum easier but perhaps posting on this thread regularly will help a bit? Perhaps bereavement counselling?

It isn't necessarily a bad thing that your children see you cry a lot. You are showing them that it is good to release those sad feelings, rather than bottling it up, and that it is okay to feel sad when sad things happen.

Oh love, I'm very sorry you feel like this - but please please remember that anybody would. You have been through so much - more than many will ever have to deal with. It's not surprising that you feel you've dropped the ball with paperwork, etc - that really hasn't been the most important thing.

You've shown amazing strength and resilience here, even if it doesn't feel like that. Just take it a step at a time. You will get through this. You will be there for your mum. And you will be fine, whatever happens. Your children must be a great source of strength and they will carry you through this like an irrepressible river.

The only thing I can suggest is that the sooner you deal with and leave behind the sadness, and accept reality without trying to battle against it, the quicker the whole path will become easier.

It's the way I have learned. It's a life skill and it's best to protect yourself. Xxx

Devon and Mellow,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I posted this and then was too cowardly to come back to it. I talked to a social worker at the hospital today and am going to join a group to be able to talk. I know you are right that I have to get to acceptance, Mellow. It will happen no matter what magical thinking I engage in. I am just very sad. It sounds so simple and inelegant, but that is it really.

Well done for taking some positive action and finding a group to join. I hope you find it supportive. Did you know there is a long running thread on here for people who are dealing with losing a parent? I'll see if I can find it for you. I found it useful when my Dad died.

Here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/3872671-Support-For-Anyone-After-The-Loss-Of-A-Parent

Of course, post hete too also if it feels helpful.

*here