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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Setting up annual birthday card to grandkids after death

22 replies

YouAfterMe · 13/08/2020 11:04

My Dad has been told be has weeks to live. He is really sad at all the future family occasions he will miss - and is trying to buy the grandkids some gifts for the birthdays in the year ahead.

I wondered if anyone did a service where they would post a card to your loved ones on their birthday annually in perpetuity / for several years? He never misses sending a card - so it would feel very ‘him’ to still remember birthdays beyond the grave.

Moonpig would let us arrange for cards next year & no further - but tbh their cards take so much work to personalise etc that it’s more energy than he has right now. It feels like having a service to set this up in bulk is something that someone somewhere should have done - but I can’t find it.

OP posts:

Fairybatman · 13/08/2020 11:07

Sorry you are going through this, it’s so lovely that he wants to leave something like this for them.

Could he buy and write cards and leave them with you or another relative to post?

Socialdistancing · 13/08/2020 11:09

Sorry to hear this. Would it be better for him to write a few for big birthdays and you could put them away for a few years?
Or maybe he could write a special one that you could reuse over the years?

Original poster

YouAfterMe · 13/08/2020 11:11

I guess he could...

he’s kind of a ‘writer’ though - normally they are very wordy - and I think the condition he is in right now vs number of grandchildren - that will be a strain on him... I’m not even sure he could write - he’s corresponding by short SMSes - but that doesn’t take as much effort.... hence why I hoped someone would take this on as a concierge type service ...

OP posts:

justwinginglife1 · 13/08/2020 11:14

I think if he is up for writing cards then buy a load and get him to write them. I think it would a lot nicer for the children when they open them to see his writing and lovely to keep. If he's not up for writing a lot then maybe get some nice wordy cards, or get a load on moonpig/funky pigeon where you can type up whatever he wants to put on them and then get him to just sign his name.

I'm sorry you are going through this x

Original poster

YouAfterMe · 13/08/2020 11:15

He has written emails to his closest friends which go: “This illness has come on suddenly - I hope you all know how much you mean to me - I don’t have enough time left to be able to find the proper words to express it” - so I think we might be beyond him being able to write ‘the perfect card’.

He sent me money and we have set up savings accounts from him for the kids - which are kind of general ‘I care about you very much’ sentiments into the future without putting words onto it or demands on his energy now...

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 11:16

I'll be honest op, if my grandad normally sent highly personalized wordy cards and then the year after his death i got some formulaic hallmark thing from "him" I'm not sure it would help, if not make it worse. It night be better to have none than a false version.
I'm so sorry you're all going through this

TW2013 · 13/08/2020 11:20

Would some video messages be easier for him to manage? I am not sure that a manufactured card would have the same impact anyway. It will also always tie the grandchildren into feeling sad on their birthdays. It might be better to just set up some key birthday/ events.

PerkingFaintly · 13/08/2020 11:24

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

As someone who gets tired quickly myself, my suggestions for ways to lift a bit of the load:

– you to buy the cards in bulk and do all the thinking and labelling ("grandchild 1 for 2020," "grandchild 2 for 21st birthday", etc)
– you address the envelopes (or he could just write their name and you do the rest)
– he or you type up his short messages, you print and cut them out, and he just signs his name (as justwinginglife1 suggests)

What a lovely thing to do for his grandchildren. Good luck.

Original poster

YouAfterMe · 13/08/2020 11:25

Well - we’ve always thrown parties for him - and I thought of doing a ‘grandad event’ on his birthday every year - with a trip to the toy shop with some of the money he is leaving - and eat his favourite foods and stuff.

Maybe we should leave it at that ...

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/08/2020 11:28

Could he leave written cards just for the milestone birthdays?

canigooutyet · 13/08/2020 11:36

Every year I do something myself low key on my nans birthday. I was close to her and if I had received a card after death it would have been too much for me to handle. I go places I know she loved, or buy her favourite flowers or her favourite food/drink. Unfortunately she was cremated and I'm not allowed where her ashes are.

It is a sweet idea of leaving cards but think carefully about how it will be taken by others.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2020 11:46

@YouAfterMe

Maybe we should leave it at that ...

That sounds like a good idea op, and it's something the kids can carry on with themselves as they get older. My sister and I always have a drink on my Granadads birthday, even if we have to Watts app the photo to each other.

TW2013 · 13/08/2020 14:29

Well - we’ve always thrown parties for him - and I thought of doing a ‘grandad event’ on his birthday every year - with a trip to the toy shop with some of the money he is leaving - and eat his favourite foods and stuff.

I think that sounds lovely, why don't you suggest that to him and see what he says. That way you are having a special day to remember him but without the focus on the grandchildren's birthday. Also if they are still young and there might be additional grandchildren then it might be sad if some have cards from him and others don't.

Having said that maybe you could buy 18th, 21st and wedding cards for him to write messages. Maybe the 18th and wedding could be similar for each child 'tips on adult life/married life' with the 21st more specific tailored to the child. Maybe a Christmas decoration for your tree would be nice. I got a keyring with handwriting on from this company www.alittlebitcraftyuk.co.uk/ copied from an old card I found.

Rosa · 13/08/2020 14:30

can he email ? www.futureme.com might be an idea as well for a couple of years

RedCatBlueCat · 13/08/2020 15:11

I love the idea of still celebrating his birthday. It's a way of remembering him with positives, on his day. Might he be strong enough to write a card to you all for his birthdays?

Personally, I think receiving a card from a beloved but departed grandparent would be unsettling on my birthday, but that doesnt mean it isnt right for your family.

Willowkins · 13/08/2020 17:24

It's the love and meaning that will count. How about just one card each to his grandchildren? The same card, the 'card from Grandad', could be got out each birthday and then be carefully put away for next year. It could be a family tradition which will last.
Sorry you're going through this

Picassopilot · 15/08/2020 09:03

@YouAfterMe

Bless your Dad, he sounds lovely. I bet he will love the idea of a ‘Grandad event’
It’s a wonderful idea!

Have you considered him buying each of the children a book where he can write a special message in the front for them to treasure.
Are you familiar with Charlie Mackesy?
Google his book. It’s beautiful

CormoranStrike · 15/08/2020 09:05

I think grandad day sounds perfect.

Picassopilot · 15/08/2020 09:06

@YouAfterMe

www.charliemackesy.com/

SunshineCake · 17/08/2020 17:31

There is a company that will send letters from a person after they have died so I am sure they would do a card.

I write my years cards in one go and I have had to think about this as both dh and I have had an illness this year where we could have died. My feeling was receding a card with a deceased person name on it wouldn't be something I would want.

SunshineCake · 17/08/2020 17:36

@Willowkins

I think this is the loveliest idea and the one that can be repeated forever. If someone had organised for me to get a birth congrats card as my nana was dying just before baby was born I think it would have had the opposite response from what was wished tbh.

SciFiScream · 17/08/2020 17:43

When my much loved MIL was dying I suggested to her I got cards for her to write for her grandchildren (just until age 21).

She didn't really answer.

It was my DDs birthday a few weeks before she died, so that was the last card sent by her - but she didn't choose it and she wasn't able to write in it the way she normally would. I know that made her very sad. It made me sad seeing the difference (even while she was still here) my DD didn't notice thankfully but I did realise that my idea, while well-intentioned wasn't right for my MIL.

If the idea has come from your Dad that's much better but maybe writing love Grandad in each card will have to be enough?

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