How to come to terms with the death of a parent with no contact

[Minnie888]

I am struggling a bit. I've had the call to say my birth father is dying, likely to be a few hours, and am struggling to come to terms with it. I haven't seen him in over 15 years not really through any malice but just generally an unhappy childhood. We lived with my birth mum who was incredibly violent, my father was a very quiet simple soul who lived alone. He never really stood up to her, he was bullied for sure. But I remember he did once when she was being particularly violent towards me and I'll always cherish that - is that strange?

There is a lot of hurt in my family, my violent mother but also my dad, he sexually abused my sister yet she had the compassion to see him again, why couldn't I? I am upset and so incredibly sad but I don't want to be by his side- does that make me a bad person? Should I really be taking a day off work to mourn someone I haven't seen for so long or wanted a relationship with? What a shit year this has been.

Hi, I am so sorry to hear this . I think all you can do is feel the way you feel, don't put yourself under pressure to 'get over it' quickly or at all. The fact you weren't in contact with him absolutely doesn't mean that his death won't or shouldn't stir up lots of emotions - as you are finding! Grief isn't a race or a process, with a start and finish point determined by how much you loved or even liked the person, nor do most people progress through linear 'stages' after which you are finished with grieving. IMO although the initial shock does wear off to something more like acceptance/normality, you never stop feeling emotions associated with the loss, not just sadness that the person is gone but all the feelings, positive and negative you had about your relationship with the person when they were alive. In time some counselling might help you come to terms with it all but in the immediate future I would just be kind to yourself and do what you need to do on a day by day or even hour by hour basis... have you got some support in real life?

You are totally not a bad person for not wanting to be at his side given everything that's happened, but if you feel not up to being at work I'd absolutely take the day off - surely if you just say to them your father is dying they will let you have the day off without asking too many questions?

@maxelly thank you so much for your kind message. It is incredibly helpful and a lot of what you say resonates with me. I have taken the day off to just try and clear my head (very good employer so no issues there). I also have an amazing support network. Sometimes it is difficult to tell people too much as they simply don't understand and it's a part of my life I don't share too widely for obvious reasons. I think counselling or having someone to talk to may help but as you say in some time. For now I just need to focus on getting through the next few days.