Best friend's DH has died suddenly.

[SapphosRock]

Tragic accident, he was only late 30s.

Please does anyone have advice on how I can support her? I'm still in shock at the news and at a loss.

I've tried calling but she's not up for speaking yet. We've messaged and I know she's being cared for by relatives. I've obviously said how desperately sorry I am for what has happened.

We've been friends for years, even lived together for a while but now live a few hours apart. I have young DC including a EBF baby which makes practical help complicated but not impossible.

How can I help her and let her know I'm there for her? Sending a card seems so formal and impersonal. Any advice appreciated.

Send her regular messages letting her know you're thinking of her. If she has family around she may not need practical support from you.

I'm sure she knows that you are ready to offer any support - just be guided by her in this. So sorry that this awful thing has happened.

Thanks Pomegranatemolasses I have been messaging and also said no need for her to reply just know I'm thinking of her. Don't want to bombard and overwhelm her. All my instincts are saying drive over and be with her but this is probably completely wrong + I'd have to bring my baby.

What a horrible shock and tragedy. Your poor friend. For the time being, I would stick to occasional messages of support, making it clear you do not expect a reply. I would not visit now because I think it might be too much for her to cope with, especially if you have to bring your baby.

Is it possible for you to speak with her family? Perhaps you could order meals for them and have them delivered. That might take some of the day to day burden off of them.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

Keep in touch with her without bombarding her. Be there for her the long haul. Shock and close family will get her through the short term. It's the relentless longevity of grief where those grieving need support from friends. Don't give up on her if she doesn't reply, if she makes plans and cancels at short notice. Let her know your there for her, if only on the phone, anytime. The nights are long and lonely when grieving.

Sometimes you need people who are one step away to tell your inner thoughts too as when you are in that grief you still don't want to burden those closest too with your pain. When she gets in touch just listen to her, dont tell her it will be ok. Just sit with her in her grief.

I have been where your best friend was, my husband died suddenly in his 30’s 2 years ago. My best friend dropped everything and came to me and it was the best thing for me. She dealt with little practical things that I just couldn’t at the time. Even go to her bring some food let her see you are around. You are a lovely friend to be posting x

So sad to hear this. Her family will rally round initially, but the time she will really need you is when they start to be around a bit less, and very practical help - especially with small children. Keep being there and letting her know she can always call you and ask for any help she needs, even if it’s just watching the DC while she has a shower, or an appointment, or needs some time alone. It’s very much about the long haul and being there for the little things that others might not think of.

When I lost my baby earlier this year, my husband and I shut everyone out as we needed to grieve privately. My lovely friend sent me food from Cook, which even though we did not have an appetite, it was something we really appreciated when we really did not want or have the energy to cook. If she has small kids this will be useful.

Let us know what you decide on

Thank you everyone for the kind words and the advice.

@Boysadear and @Greenbks I am
So sorry for your losses thank you for sharing.

She is staying with her parents at the moment so i would feel funny sending food there. If and when she goes home then that's a good idea to send food.

She doesn't have DC. I think they were trying.

It's just dawned on me he won't be able to have a proper funeral due to CV so I may not even be able to support her at that.

Let her know she can call anytime. Send a message every 3 days or so saying thinking of you and most of all be there for her in 3,6 months time, too many people walk away from friends at that point

Sending messages without expecting a response is good. If she's with relatives and your circumstances dictate that you can't visit, then there's little you can do practically at the moment.

But she'll be in shock and literally unable to think. And overwhelmed with support. Most of which will disappear very very quickly. Be there for her in the future months, when everyone else has gone away. Sending food, treats or even flowers in the next few months will be so appreciated. Just do things, don't ask.

Be there for her, and listen to her. You sound like a lovely friend.

I lost my husband suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. If your friend had kids I would have said the best thing would be to take them off her hands so she could get on with practical things like dealing with the funeral and probate and packing his stuff up. But as she doesn't, and her immediate needs are being taken care of by her family, back off a bit. Even though you say not to reply, she probably thinks she should to every message. A heartfelt letter would be better, saying you are there but will leave her be for a week or two (or whatever).
I found it really unhelpful for people to say 'let me know if I can do anything'. This only made me feel like I was imposing if I did have to ask for help. The help I usually needed was childcare, which is not the case here.
You will be more helpful down the line. It was amazing how my coupled up friends stopped asking me to their houses for dinner parties or group activities. Like I was either a social misfit or out to steal someone's husband. I'm sure this was subconscious for most people but it is something I hear from the newly divorced too. She will need to know she is valued for herself, so take her out to lunch occasionally and include her in group gatherings. When she is up to it she will feel better doing something normal, and treated as normal too - not as some one to be pitied.

If she was trying for a baby then you turning up with a baby is very unlikely to be much comfort. It's just another thing snatched away from her. That obviously isn't your fault but be very mindful of talking about your baby constantly...don't moan about sleepless nights/breastfeeding/childcare etc.

Be there for her long term. Make time for her and actually listen. Don't pretend you understand.

How long until your baby can be left? Make plans for a visit when you can give her your undivided attention. I would go for the funeral even if that meant her just seeing I was at the entrance to the church or wherever to pay my respects and offer support

@Pipandmum so sorry for your loss. That must have been incredibly difficult with two young children.

As we've known each other 20+ years (long before partners came along) then we tend to meet without our partners anyway but that's definitely worth bearing in mind to include her in group and couple events.

@tankflybos yes I thought that too. She is also late 30s so DC might not happen for her now. My baby is 4 months so can't be left overnight yet. I've thought to offer her our spare room for a while if she doesn't want to be living alone but don't know if that would help her or make her feel worse.

I'd tell her she's always welcome, any time day or night and there is a room for her.

If she takes you up on it then I'd arrange as much time alone with her as possible. It'll be easier to support her as your kids get older but making that effort to drop everything now will stick in her mind.

Your husband could take the kids to a park while you go to the funeral maybe?

That's good to know @tankflybos - if she wants to stay with us my DP will definitely do the childcare so I can focus my attention on her, we've already discussed that.

OP I would echo what others have said about the value of being her support long-term, checking in with her on anniversaries, being mindful and letting her know you're thinking of her, years down the line. Follow her lead but don't be afraid to mention her DH. It sounds like she's got a lot of support at the moment, I expect that will ebb away in the coming months. But for now - when DB died a friend sent me a card that said 'friends surround you'. I appreciated that, but it didn't require anything of me (I didn't have anything to give). It sounds like you're a friend, you're finding it awkward (it is) but you're there for her.

This happened to my friend’s DP. She came to stay with us for a bit and was very comforted by messages from friends even if she didn’t reply.

I’d keep messaging. Invite her to stay/for a coffee/help with practical things when she’s home. Don’t be shy about talking about her husband and the death but acknowledge how shite it is. I’m sure you wouldn’t, but people kept saying to her everything happens for a reason and looking mystical 😃 Oh, and using the “special voice” with the tilted head drove her mad too!

As an aside, my friend used the Widowed and Young group, and got therapy later on. On a practical note she did things like put the lights on a timer so they were on when she got in from work , little things to help feel a bit more normal.

I've been where your best friend is now. Same age etc. I received some letters from people which were much nicer than texts. People dropped food at the door. I agree with alot of posters about hanging in there. People go back to their normal lives soon and the grief will continue for your friend. Make time for her then. X

Oh, and be aware of significant dates over the next year or two especially. Be guided by her, but I remember arranging a weekend away with my friend a year on, not as a big deal but just as an acknowledgement of how bad she was feeling.

Thank you for the advice and @Kottontail I am so sorry for your loss.

Just finished writing her a letter which I hope will help a bit.

She messaged me earlier to say the online tributes to her DH were providing some comfort.

Write her a letter, talk about him, your memories of him. Continue to do this whenever you are in contact. Send regular messages saying you are thinking of her and you are there.

When my son died the meaningful and thoughtful cards and letters meant a lot. A lot of people said ‘there are no words’. This was not helpful. Some people came up with many beautiful words which helped me.