Only child. Lost Mum and Dad and unable to cope.

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. So I'm posting because in April I lost my wonderful Mum to covid and 5 years before that I lost my lovely Dad to dementia. Losing Mum has completely broken me. Also soon after Dad died I found out Mum had a terminal illness, so I focused as much as I could on being there for her, and didn't dwell on my grief much. So now I've been hit by double grief for both Mum and Dad. I struggle to sleep, eat properly, doing basic daily chores is a struggle. Indeed getting out of bed some days is a struggle. I feel relentlessly exhausted. Unable to do anything. Is this normal? I'm also being told by well meaning friends to start clearing Mum's house out, but I'm simply not ready. I will get the roof fixed as it's leaking. But clearing through Mum's home is painful and I'm just not ready. Is this silly of me? I'm a teacher and only have these 4 weeks left to do it. But getting on with it terrifies for me. What is wrong with me? My poor husband and daughter. I haven't been present for them at all. I couldn't be with Mummy when she took her last breath. I hate myself for that every day.

I'm so sorry about your parents. I have lost mine too - it's very hard.

First thing, please try not to be so hard on yourself. My Mum also died alone. It's hard to come to terms with but it can't be changed. I've tried to find ways to console myself about it, like thinking of the good times we had together and times when I was able to be there for her.

Clearing the house was really tough. Is there anyone who can help you with it? I was in a similar position to you in that, although I have a sibling, she lives overseas and couldn't really be there. Can there be any upside in it? Can you go and choose a few things to put in your house and rearrange your stuff around them? I have a couple of chairs from my parents' house in my hall. Just this evening my DH said it was nice to see me sitting in one of them to call my aunt. I hadn't thought of it but it was a nice feeling.

Be kind to yourself. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through and it's unreasonable to think you should be managing better. It's a very personal thing and everyone deals with it differently.

You don’t have to clear it right now. What about half term and have your husband help you? Has your husband been there for you? Your mum will have known you loved her even though you couldn’t be there so please release yourself from that guilt.

OP I'm another only child in this position. Lost my mum first, then my dad declined with dementia before his own death. I wasn't with either of them It is bloody hard even with support. Be very very kind to yourself. Don't worry about clearing the house - if you're not ready, you're not ready. Is it rented or owned? I second the suggestion to get friends to help when you are ready to tackle the house. And think about looking for a counsellor. I was seeing one anyway when my mum died and it was a lifeline for me.

What you're feeling is normal. It's one of the stages of grief.

If the house is owned (and you're the beneficiary), as long as your covering the bills then there is no hurry to clear it. Do it when you're ready.

I'm so sorry for your loss Gooseberry Jam. Sending you a big hug. I'm currently seeing a counsellor and it has been helpful. Luckily lots of friends are offering to help. It's me, I almost seem frozen. Also poor Mum was a bit of a hoarder, so there's a lot to go through and frankly it just terrifies me.

Another vote for this being a totally normal reaction, OP. I'm sorry you've lost your parents .

My dad died over 2 years ago and we still have all his stuff. My stepmother just isn’t ready to do it. She will at some point, or maybe she won’t. There’s no time limit.

As for not being there. I wasn’t there when my dad died. He’d been in a hospice and was clearly declining, and every night I kissed him goodnight and went home while my stepmum stayed over (one relative allowed) and he died v early morning. At the time I was ok with that but now I really wish I’d been there. Like I missed his moment. But I think it’s just part of grief and it’s accompanying longing to see/speak/hug him one more time. I try to console myself with the fact his life and our relationship was so much more than those final days/weeks/months. And that actually death is such an individual process and I trust that he made the decision to go because it was the right moment for him.

Not sure that makes sense op and I know your parents were in different circumstances.

Take it easy and best wishes.

Sorry for the loss of your parents.
They would want you to be kind to yourself.
Sort the house when you’re ready.

Hi OP, had to clean my Mum's house out after she died and it is so difficult. Do you have a timeline you needed to work to - eg, did your Mum own the house or do you need it clearing out by the end of a tenancy period? If it's the former, then take your time. If it's the latter, and you're on a schedule, you might find easier to just pack things up and put them in storage and sort through them later when you feel more ready.

My advice, try and tackle it in baby steps. Start with something that doesn't have much sentimental meaning - the shed or the bathroom cabinet. Just do a couple of boxes and then leave. You can gradually build up to the harder stuff. And ask friends to be with you so you've got someone with you to hold your hand and you are not wandering around the place on your own.