Will she cope ok ?

[Carol1980]

Hi all.

My father recently passed away and mum is now on her own in the house they have shared for many years.

I'll try to be as short as I can with regards to the story but here goes.

My dad was not a nice person, he was mentally controlling and abusive to my mum for decades.
He showed no affection to either my brother, me or my sister. In fact as soon as we were old enough ( like over 16) he would start to tell us that we had too move out the house. It started with my brother, then me and then my sister.
I did return for a short time when I was 21 due to moving cities, and within a month he was throwing my clothes out in to the garden.
My dad was quiet and unassuming when he was sober but he turned in to this mentally abusive man when he drank, which was every single day.

Over the years mum would call me up and complain about 'this is what your dad did last night' and it became really hard to not get angry that she wouldn't just leave him, for years I have offered to help her financially to leave him, but she never did.

Written above is a very small snapshot of what he was like, the night he passed away, I ran down to mums and while we were waiting for the undertakers I noticed a small camera ( like a internal cctv camera) sitting on the side board, turns out he believed that she was stealing his alcohol and had started to film her!!! Wtf !!
I was so angry and I still am angry about it!!

My question is, will she be ok ? After years and years and years of mental abuse will she be ok ? The funeral has now taken place and at one point the minister said ' we will now have a moment to think of all the happy times that we had with...'

I sat there and couldn't think of any happy times with him ? I could only remember the really bad things he did, I don't have many happy memories that include him, only my mum and her family.

Thank you for reading this far.
What I'm looking for is any survivor stories from domestic abuse victims who would be able to give me an idea of what my mum might be feeling/ going through and if there is anything that I can do that will help her

With your support and the support of her wider family and friends she will get through this & the grieving process will hopefully be therapeutic. I’m sorry that you and your DM have suffered at the hands of your late father & I hope you can in the years she has left build some happy memories together.

Thank you so much for your reply.
She seems to be doing ok so far, which is great but I hope she's not bottling anything up.
I've suggested bereavement counselling and she has agreed but only slightly.

I keep telling her how much happier she will be now that she will see her grand children more often I just hope like you say that it will eventually become easier x

Hi 👋 my grandfather ( on dads side) was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a VERY long time which ultimately caused him depression which he was medicated for. When my grandmother passed away suddenly the same week as his beloved dog we were all worried how he would cope without her constant demands etc. I'm very pleased to report that he is flourishing, he is out going to different social groups and is more active, seeing a physio for his back. He is almost 90 but now seems so much younger. He loves life again. Hopefully this will be the same for your mother? I hope so anyway xxx

I really hope so.
It's going to take her some time to get used to being just her I think, she's got a dog, and she's not got the best mobility but again I'm hoping that now she no longer has to stay at home in case something happened that she will go out more, she said today that she's going to go to her local ladies section to play bingo, which is great ! I just hope that she continues x
Thanks for your comment x I'm so happy to hear that life will be so much happier x @Melabells ❤️

@SonEtLumiere
Thank you for your reply x
It's really encouraging to hear that x

Your situation sounds like mine. My father was an abusive drunk who made our lives hell, especially my Mum's. No happy times, just drinker misery. Mum wouldn't leave him.

Once he died we got a normal house back, laughs, respect, love and kindness. Mum whilst sad, soon got into her new life. All was good and she had another 30 happy years before she passed.

Good luck x

I'm sure she'll be fine - she might surprise you . Women who've been oppressed by their husbands, often thrive once they are on their own.

She has you nearby, and she has her dog . That is two good things, and I'm sure things will be fine. Best wishes to you xx

Op, my dm was left in exactly the same situation, after living with my df who was as you describe yours.

Mum had a slight wobble at the start because she had never lived alone, but then thrived.

She joined clubs, had friends round to tea (forbidden when df was alive) went on coach holidays, joined lace making classes and enjoyed 18 happy years without him.

I am so happy to hear such lovely happy endings for you ladies x it's give me comfort to think that she will hopefully flourish x

She's been doing fine, the house is a riot ( along with the alcohol abuse my dad had a bit of a ha it of buying electrical stuff and hoarding it so we have lots still to do) but she does seem happy, she's seen me more in the past 4 weeks than she has in the past year x