Siblings clearing family home

[Shock20]

AM I being oversensitive?
Mum passed away in beginning of June. Dad has had a stroke and has limited function , recently gone into care and won't be coming back to the house.Money from house won't be needed for at least a year for dad's care. Brother and sister have bulldozed into clearing house. I feel Mum's things needs to be gone through as she no longer with us . But we have time to do dad's but they are going through the house at speed, all his stuff, books, ornaments, watch etc are being given to charity or shared out between us. I know he won't need them again but I feel its too soon and disrespectful. It feels wrong to do it so soon.
Brother has put picture of his daughter using Mum's china cup on our family facebook page in an ahh isn't that nice moment, I just feel upset by it all. Their personal things. I seem to be the only one who feels upset by it all.
I just feel it's disrespectful.
I feel I'm a lone voice though.
Am I being over sensitive?

I understand your pain but it’s better things go to the family sooner rather than later and those things can be cherished by those who receive them and will bring back memories of the people to whom they once belonged( or in your dads case a sense of closeness to him as he once was). My grandmother lived with my uncle (semi detached) and quite soon after her death, while he was out working, the neighbour put a straightener on a bed and left for work, the fire spread to their house and everything was destroyed. I am lucky to have a few brooches and a scarf of hers and I will cherish them but there were actually things in the house that I know she would have loved to have lived on with family.

Thanks for your reply. That must be devastating to lose things like that. For me I think it's almost that they don't seem to be upset in any way and it seems hasty. It's more like an annoyance to them. But I suppose they could be upset inside.

It’s interesting to read your point of view. When my grandmother died, I had to fly to the country if my birth for her funeral. We were very close, I visited her every year and years ago, she used to visit me annually.

In her hater years, she was in continent and refused to accept it. I used to clean her variety, but two lots of new bedding for her Etc annually in my trip.

I cheated her house during my one week bereavement leave. Actually, the inky things I threw away we’re her badly soiled clothes and her underwear - because I did not want anyone who would not respect her to go through her things.

I matched things up, sorted shoes and paired them, made piles of charity items, tag items and items family may be interested in.

It was extremely therapeutic for me to do this. Yes, there were people who thought I’d done this too quickly. However, it was the only time I could do it and as mentioned,very therapeutic in helping me come to terms with her death.

There is another side to how you’re feeling.
This was back in 2011. To this day I still use some of her things and it is still soothing the loss of her in my life. This could be the same for your niece using the tea cup.

@Shock20

Thanks for your reply. That must be devastating to lose things like that. For me I think it's almost that they don't seem to be upset in any way and it seems hasty. It's more like an annoyance to them. But I suppose they could be upset inside.

They probably are upset inside and trying to do it quick so it causes them less pain (like ripping off a plaster/wax strip).

I think PP has it, you are grieving in a different way to your siblings. No-one is right or wrong, just different.
My grandmother died this year and left me something, not valuable but very sentimental.
I can't have it because my uncle lived with her and he sees any attempt to remove her belongings from the house as disrespectful.
I know I will have to cause upset if I want what I was left and have to weigh up how much I want the memory with how upset my uncle will be.
If your brother has gone to the trouble of bringing home a tea cup and having your niece use it he is probably trying to bring closeness to your mother into his home.
If he really didn't care everything would be gone.

I think there is no one 'right' way to do bereavement.
Some people like to 'do' stuff as it helps them process their grief.
Others prefer to process in other ways, and save the 'doing' until later.
The problem comes when different family members have different methods.
Can you communicate with your siblings that you would prefer them to slow down a bit?

I have done but they can’t see my point of view. I have said I understand sorting through mums things but dad has only just gone into the home and ( to me anyway) it seems a bit vulturish to share out his things. We are not planning to sell the house for a while yet so just can’t see the rush. I appreciate people deal with things differently and I’m willing to do it , but we need a bit of give and take. It’s not just the clearing it’s the speed - things come out of a cupboard and it’s almost like a race or production line to sort it with no real reflection. I’m going along with it but think they need to just slow down a bit. Thanks for your replies I am trying to be less sentimental about things but they seem so cold x

We were told by the undertaker to clear the house of anything valuable/sentimental before the death notice appeared in the papers as that was flagging up an empty house as a burglary risk.

Just suggest you’ll take anything they are not taking and then you can sort through in your own time.

Plus you could rent the house out to help pay for care costs

I wonder if that’s what they are thinking?

Just a thought but are Powers of Attorney in place? In similar circumstances DMiL had to go into a care home but without POA in place an application had to be made to the Court of Protection to allow anything significant to happen to her property. This took many months.

Aside from the fact that it’s upsetting, there is a very real issue about whether they can do this. I assume that You and your siblings are beneficiaries when your father passes away? At the moment of course all the property belongs to your father - does he understand and agree with what’s happening? And when he’s no longer with you, looking at it from a legal point of view, no one should be taking anything from the house without the agreement of all beneficiaries. In the case of valuable items I would suspect they can’t be disposed of or given away until probate anyway.
It may be wise to formally agree that valuables are kept safely at another location but that’s not the same as people just going in and taking stuff or distributing it willy nilly

I know this isn’t all about money, you’re upset at the speed of it, but it’s important to think about where they actually stand with this. If your father’s judgement is impaired or he doesn’t know exactly what they’re doing then they’re on dodgy ground; everything in his house remains his property. And when he does pass away, nothing should be taken without proper agreement.