Scattering ashes

[CMOTDibbler]

My dad died in March, mum in April. We did direct cremation for both of them due to the circumstances, and the funeral directors have been storing their ashes (next to each other) since then as we thought to have a proper memorial service later.
But with no real end in sight, and their siblings being elderly, it doesn't seem like we'll be able to do that easily anytime soon - and I don't like them sitting in a cupboard.
My brother isn't terribly bothered, but has agreed to do it this weekend as he is in the area.
Any suggestions of very low key things to do to mark it? We'll be scattering them in a nature reserve they loved. Later, a tree will be planted in their memory, but that can't happen till winter

Sorry to hear about your parents . My Dad died 18 months ago and his ashes are still at the funeral directors for various reasons

Some ideas (you may find some of these more or less cringy depending on preferences!). Is it just you and your brother or will there be others too?

-Everyone present shares a short memory with the group of your parents or says a few lines about what they meant to them.

• Raising a drink/toasting their memory (not sure this is technically allowed in a nature reserve but so long as you are discreet I am sure it will be fine). You could bring a bottle of fizz in a cooler, or it might be nice if they had a favourite drink to 'share' it with them e.g. bottle of your Dad's favourite beer, or if they were big tea drinkers flask of tea?

-A short reading of something meaningful to them, a favourite poem, prayer (if you or they are religious), passage from a novel. Or you could play a short piece of music from a phone?

-A simple 2 minute's silence when you all quietly/privately remember your parents?

I'm in the same situation, we have my Dad's ashes but haven't been able to get together to scatter them. I honestly don't know what to do. It's complicated by the fact that we have a portion of the ashes, the others are with somebody else which seems so very wrong.

I hope it goes well for you CMOT and does what you need it to do. I'm fairly local to you (yet another name change), we are thinking of a nature place with the initials UW which is rural and quiet but aren't sure yet.

Its all a bit complicated as my brother had a very strained relationship with dad (and we don't really have a relationship - I think we've seen each other 10 times in 15 years) so I don't think he'll be up for saying anything. It'll be me, dh, ds(14) and my brother, his wife, and possibly their ds who are 7 and 4.
I think the idea of their favourite things is a good one, so I'll take the box of chocolates in cherry brandy I'd stashed for dads birthday and get some yumyums which mum loved and if my brother doesn't want to hang around we can have a little picnic.

@penelopeplums that sounds really hard. UW would be lovely - the place we'll scatter mum and dad is where they lived, though tbh my brother is so unbothered I was tempted to bring them here and scatter them in Tiddsley with the bluebells

@CMOTDibbler

Its all a bit complicated as my brother had a very strained relationship with dad (and we don't really have a relationship - I think we've seen each other 10 times in 15 years) so I don't think he'll be up for saying anything. It'll be me, dh, ds(14) and my brother, his wife, and possibly their ds who are 7 and 4. I think the idea of their favourite things is a good one, so I'll take the box of chocolates in cherry brandy I'd stashed for dads birthday and get some yumyums which mum loved and if my brother doesn't want to hang around we can have a little picnic.

@penelopeplums that sounds really hard. UW would be lovely - the place we'll scatter mum and dad is where they lived, though tbh my brother is so unbothered I was tempted to bring them here and scatter them in Tiddsley with the bluebells

That's similar to the relationship with my DSis, we have seen each other maybe 3 times in the last two years but before that it was 19 years since I'd seen them.

Tiddesley with the bluebells sounds wonderful. We're going for UW as Dad lived overlooking the water (not at UW!) and wanted his ashes scattered from a jetty. I emailed the trust months back to ask permission and they never replied so I am taking their silence as agreement!

Sent before I said where they lived is also a lovely idea, it's not an option open to us for various complicated reasons.

Mum would have loved the being scattered from a jetty too. Its about trying to find something that respects the intent of their wishes

@penelopeplums if it helps then there are really any restrictions on scattering ashes in water, as long as it isn't close to a drinking source etc
There are loads of lovely water urns for ashes too that will either float or sink as you prefer - we did this with a family member and it was a fitting way to say goodbye

@CMOTDibbler yeah, its a really tough situation. Maybe just arrange a time and then give your brother the details, if he wants to come, then he will be there. In my experience, your brother will come. I've known families have deep issues and then when it comes to a final goodbye, the ones who didn't show any emotion up to that point tend to be the ones that let it all out - just an observation.

As for ideas for the scattering

• find some music they both loved to have to play in the background
• share some of their favourite foods
• bring some photos that will remind you all of good times

Please be cautious of the wind when you scatter!!

Hope it helps

The funeral director is very kindly letting me pick the ashes up on Sunday, then dh, ds, and I will take them to the nature reserve and picnic while we wait for my brother - this way we can think about them while we eat and I won't get aggravated waiting for him

Well, my brother and family did turn up, but SIL had a face like a slapped arse and didn't speak a word to me. Their kids didn't know what we were there to do and in the end brother and I poured the ashes into a hollow behind a log, covered them up with leaf mould, and not a word was said. Weird. But its done now