Lost my baby and really struggling

[Alicia870]

I lost my baby boy a month again when he was born sleeping at 21 weeks. It's been a whirlwind of emotion since then and while I'm sure I look fairly well on the outside to others, I'm far from ok.

I'm finding there are just so many feelings to work through and it's overwhelming as my head is constantly full of thoughts of him, what we've been through and thoughts of the future.

I'm really struggling with the dichotomy that happens with a late miscarriage. He wasn't on the right side of the 24 week cut off point so didn't get a birth cert and I get no maternity rights. I'm signed off sick with miscarriage even though I had to be induced into labour and gave birth to my fully formed baby and held him. He had a funeral and had a name, but he officially never existed. It's so hard to deal with as I feel so much confusion over how I'm supposed to feel. I feel like I've lost a child but society makes me feel like I shouldn't be grieving so bad as it was a 'miscarriage'.

I also feel very angry with others, unjustifiably. My husbands family have said some hurtful things and clearly aren't comfortable with us talking about the situation. I never or rarely get asked how I'm doing and his name is never mentioned. I also feel so angry towards pregnant friends which feels so cruel and makes me feel like such a bad person. It's like all these poisonous feelings have taken root and are growing inside me in place of what was once a thriving pregnancy. Now I'm left with grief, bitterness and isolation. No one knows how to react and some people are amazing but others are disappointing and that hurts.

I feel guilt that I could have done something wrong, sadness that I couldn't nourish and protect my baby that was my main job and I failed. I hope he didn't suffer for weeks on end. I'm worried about asking for more time off work as I've already had 6 weeks but don't feel ready. Just feel lost and confused and needed to get this down in writing.

I’m so sorry You are going through this. It’s going to take some time to process your thoughts and feelings. My cousin went through this last year with a 23 week old. It was heartbreaking. I hope someone comments that can be more helpful then I.

It's perfectly okay to take as much time off as you need for your mental health. I have a relative who lost twins at a much earlier stage but still had to give birth etc and she ended up with PTSD. It's better to take the time you need off in the beginning than going back to soon and then going off again. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from your friends. Are you in touch with any baby loss organisations?

I am so sorry. I recently lost twins at 20+6. All I can offer is a handhold. Sending love

My heart goes out to you @Alicia870 I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son.

I lost our first baby at almost 24 weeks last year and can identify strongly with all of what you have said - the huge sense of loss and isolation, feelings of failure, the unfairness that if it had been just a few weeks later your loss would have been classed as a stillbirth and you would have had full maternity rights and his birth registered (of course you did not love him any less than if he had arrived a few weeks later on!!) the agony of delivery and having to say goodbye. And the poisonous feelings! Oh my - I would say that I had always been a kind and generous person but
all I could feel was hatred and bitterness towards anyone that was pregnant or who had a healthy baby or anyone who said stupid and insensitive things (most people, then).

Please know you are not alone. Your loss may not be something that you never get over but, with the exception of some really tough days here and there (baby's due date for instance) in time the pain becomes more bearable, I promise - things are still so raw now. For now, stick to those who are amazing and let those be who let you down (I am not excusing them, but very few people can possibly understand, if they have not lost a child in such cruel circumstances - I know I wouldnt have before similar happened to me). In time, you may be able to educate them. Don't be ashamed of your private feelings - you are grieving and anybody who is in the same pain you are would be perfectly entitled to feel such a way. Be kind to yourself - I found that journaling every day was helpful (as it gets the worst feelings out and you dont have to censor yourself), the Headspace app was constantly on and the people at the SANDS helplines are angels if you need someone to speak to.

I will be thinking of you

So so sorry for the loss of your twins @LapsedVeganAcademic

@namechangebunny I'm so sorry to hear of your loss 💔
Thank u so much for this. It's so sad but so comforting to hear from someone else who has been through it that it gets better. I have rang the support line at sands once and I just blubbered and cried for an hour. I just feel in such a dark and horrible place. It's an awful feeling to have that the pain you're feeling isn't warranted. People may say it is and that I lost a baby and I do believe that's true, but when the law and medicine say no - your baby didn't deserve to be acknowledged as a person, that hurts. He was here in my arms and deserves respect and dignity.
My feelings are just so complicated and it's going to be such a long hard road ahead. Naively I thought I was over the worst part which I thought was that first week of finding out and delivery - but I don't think that's true.

@LapsedVeganAcademic so sorry to hear of ur loss xx

I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling boy. No pressure at all but please share his name here if you’d like to

Please take all the time you need before returning to work, your GP and employer should be fully supportive. You really do have to be kind to yourself and not get swept into how you “should” feel or how society expects you to feel and act. This is too personal a journey to have a “norm”

I’m sorry family and friends aren’t supportive, distance yourself from those who aren’t and reach out as much as you need to to those who are.

Please talk about him here, if you feel you would like to. He very much exists, he is very much a person and every feeling you have is valid.

I have 2 friends who have had babies born at a similar age to your little boy and each has dealt with their grief in completely opposite ways but both are absolutely doing what’s right for them. You will find your way xxx

You are never alone on mumsnet. There are so many of us that understand your feelings.
Everything you have talked about is exactly how I feel.

I will never be the same person again. But it does become bearable. I don't know how it does but it just does.

As for friends, I've experienced the same. Some were great and some were dreadful. But I have bitterness in me now and I'm detached from everyone. I've been glad of lockdown in a way.

I would take more time off via sick leave, no gp would deny you that. There's no right way to deal with this so you must give yourself what you need.

Rest In Peace to your precious baby. I hope that although you’ll always remember him the sadness will lessen. Xxxx

Thank u so much for the support here. I won't share his name just for privacy but he was so lovely. I cherish the moments I spend with him whether his heart was beating or not. I hope he knew that I loved him so much and that no matter who he was that wouldn't have changed.
I remember the couple of weeks after he was born I wondered why I wasn't feeling more sad. I just felt very little apart from shock and confusion. And I felt guilty that I wasn't terribly sad as I thought what kind of mummy am I. But now I feel it so much. I'm so so sad and I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I want it all back so badly.
the relentless posts on Facebook of everyone else who is pregnant are tearing my heart in two. I know I shouldn't look. Then when I see my own friends who comforted me, comment on others posts congratulating them on how fabulous they look with their bump, how beautiful their new baby is, how exciting It is, I feel they may as well kick me in the stomach. It feels like betrayal but I'm well aware this is ludicrous and irrational. I just can't help it. I can't get any relief.

All perfectly normal feelings, it’s so grossly unfair that other people are celebrating all these moments that have been taken from you. I’m so glad you had some precious time with him to create some memories, perhaps creating a little memory book of those times will give you something to focus on in the short term. Or you could write him a letter, maybe.

And he will always know he was loved and is still loved by you x

OP everything you mention is so normal. Is it an idea to start 'hiding' certain people or posts on fb? I know I've hidden more threads on mumsnet than I'm following to be honest and I find that it does offer some self protection. I've also phased a few people out in real life.

Are you able to access counselling at all? I had one session before lockdown but I'm hopeful it will help when I can return. I don't think over the phone would do it for me I'd rather face to face.

Lastly I found knowledge helped me begin to understand things although I'm still in the dark as to why everything happened to us. I found this book very helpful. It's science based and written by a wonderful female London based professor.

Thank you @footprintsintheslow I'll take a look

I've just been emailing my manager as I told him I would very likely need some more time off work. He said he had expected that and didn't expect me back however said that if I'm up to it he needs to do a review meeting as I've been off more than 4 weeks. I hope this doesn't mean I'm getting a warning as it will make me so angry given the circumstances :(

Thank you @footprintsintheslow I'll take a look

I've just been emailing my manager as I told him I would very likely need some more time off work. He said he had expected that and didn't expect me back however said that if I'm up to it he needs to do a review meeting as I've been off more than 4 weeks. I hope this doesn't mean I'm getting a warning as it will make me so angry given the circumstances :(

I'm no expert but I'd be very surprised if they were allowed to give you a warning for sickness backed up by a GP, whatever the reason.
Maybe the MN collective will know as there's a wealth of information on here with experts in every field. Maybe start another thread too.

Do you find you have different emotions on different days? One day I'm calm then the next I'm filled with anger, then next day could be tearful, it's exhausting.
I also find friends can't ever say the right thing whatever they say.

Hi @Alicia870, I have just come across your thread and wondering how you’re getting on. I could have written your posts myself after losing my baby at 20 weeks in November. Although I’m in a much better place now it’s still a big tangled web of feelings and emotions around it, especially the birth and hospital stay, and like you said, how he was classed as a ‘late miscarriage’, and whilst taking nothing away from the pain of miscarriage I do feel that it was another level of pain. I am always here if you want to chat x

@HenrysHome thanks for your message. So sorry for your loss. It really is heartbreaking. I'm doing much better than I was at the time of this thread. But I have ups and downs. I find something can trigger me and I'll have a run of a couple of really bad days. It's so true when people say grief is like a wave. It really is

No advice, but so sorry for the loss of your son x

They wont give you a warning for being off sick. It is a management responsibility to ensure staff wellbeing if classed as long term. This is usually over 28 days. Depends on what sort of organisation you work for, but it may mean a referral to Occupational Health or counselling. Nothing to worry about. Your employer is there to support you.

x

@Alicia870 so pleased to hear you’re doing a bit better. Have you seen the box and the ball analogy for grief? I think it’s a very accurate way of describing it, when the ball hits that button it’s like the rug is pulled from under you and it’s as raw as the day it happened. Sending lots of love

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I had miscarriages in the first trimester and felt everything you feel. It doesn’t matter what stage we lose our babies, they were already babies to us and our grief is valid.

You can’t be given a warning for your sickness as it is pregnancy related. In my organisation we may offer a wellbeing catch up at this point with the understanding you are under no obligation to attend. Take as much time as you need and sending you love x