Friends' responses to bereavement

[ivegotdreadfulpmttoday]

My Dad died last week and I'm not really in my right mind so could do with some perspective.

I let various friends know and have had a variety of responses from flowers and cards to a sorry for your loss text to nothing.

The responses don't really match the importance of the friendships to me. Now I'm thinking that the people I thought were good friends are actually not. Is this just my mind giving itself something to be occupied with or are my friends telling me they're not that bothered about me?

I feel hurt but then am I just being dramatic?

Really I don't know.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I lost a baby and I found a similar thing amongst my friends. From some I got an "I'm sorry for your loss text" and nothing else. Others said the wrong thing but at least they said something.

I think sometimes people don't know what to say unless they have experienced a loss themselves and that's no consolation for you but it doesn't mean they don't care.

I lost friends after I lost my baby as I realised they were very wrapped up in themselves and I'd managed to be there for them even at my lowest and yet they couldn't reciprocate.

I'm so sorry for you loss.

I think it's so hard for people to know what to do. Already on this thread we've had people saying it's better to say the wrong thing than nothing, someone upset that someone did call them, someone saying they just wanted to hide away for weeks, someone upset that they didn't get a card from someone, and I'll add in that I hated getting constant cards- I dreaded the post coming!

If you reached out to your friends and told them what you needed, do you think they'd be there? That's what I'd judge them on.

It is extraordinary the range of responses people have. I think it's something we ought to teach our children, but even then we might get it wrong. The thing is, a wrong response is better than no response at all. I have learnt this the hard way and now make sure I send a card and drop round something tangible-if I can't cook a meal, it'll be a main meal deal thing or cake or just something.
But some just don't get it and will ignore out of awkwardness. Mostly they do care-just haven't learnt a good way to show it.

See-even in my post I forgot to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Can't even get it right on Internet forum...

I always thought I hated cards that said "in sympathy" and that thinking of you was better. Actually, when my dad died, I liked the sympathy cards and I liked it when people were a bit direct. How could anyone know that? They couldn't, but still something better than nothing.

I wouldn't lose a friendship over this. I lost my mother very unexpectedly 2 weeks ago today and one old friend has been brilliant, as has my boss, but both of them have experience of bereavement. Other friends who haven't have said the bare minimum.

People can't know what you're going through or what you would want. I'm certainly guilty of having had no idea what to say or how to support friends going through bereavement myself in the past - it's so hard to show you care but not wanting to impose yourself on someone else's grief. I wanted to say "I have these lovely memories of your parent" but didn't know how to.

Obviously, it's all doubly hard at the moment during the pandemic as a lot of what I'd like at the moment is just a hug, but that's not possible other than from those in your household.

So sorry lostandsad1 I can only imagine how hard this time is for you. Having lost my father a couple of months ago, I still think the nicest thing is a letter or even a written note. As it's something you can keep and read again in the future. Also I was brought up to reply to condolence letters which I did after the funeral - and that was a very useful part of the grieving process, allowing me to remember happier times and stories x

My father died last month and like you I have noticed a variety of responses. One friend in particular has been hugely supportive which has really touched me whilst another (one of my oldest friends) sent only the briefest of messages. At first this hurt me, but then I realised that as she lost her husband very young, anything to do with grief & bereavement was probably very painful for her

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. But I totally get what you mean. When I lost my granny who was like a mum to me two years ago, I let my closest friends know. One rang me immediatly and stayed on the phone listening to me sob, rant and rave for 45 minutes. I have no recollection of what I said as I was in bits. Another friend texted me saying RIP hun. Nothing else. Didnt even mention it to her hsuband who found out after the funeral when I announced it on FB. He was mortified and messaged me to appologise for not getting in touch before. Other friend rang me that day to tell me bluntly that she was at peace now, thats the best thing for her, however shes on holiday atm so shell ring me when she gets back. Didnt ask how I was, just told me that. Whole thing lasted two minutes. Because she had had DS overnight before I asked if she could again as we needed to travel for the funeral and stay overnight, and I really wanted DH with me. She said when she got back shed ring work to find out her shifts and let me know. I had to chase her for this info two days before the funeral, completely out of my mind with stress. Turns out she couldnt and I had to go on my own as DS happiness and feelings of safety were more important. It was made worse afterwards where she made some rather spiteful comments to me about her own wedding and whether I would be invited. Bareing in mind were 31 now and ive known her since aged 9. Like you my who mentality towards them changed and two years on I barely speak to them. Its no real loss. Unfortunatly it hurts like a bitch at the time but in this case time is the best healer and in time you will come to realise who your real friends are. To me if a friend is greiving you try and be there even if you have no idea what to do. Because thats what friends do. If they don't then they aren't real friends.

I lost my mother in law last Thursday, I let all our friends know, some have texted us, a couple have sent cards and flowers but my best friend has barely contacted me. Like you, I’m gutted.
So sorry for your loss .