Friends' responses to bereavement

[ivegotdreadfulpmttoday]

My Dad died last week and I'm not really in my right mind so could do with some perspective.

I let various friends know and have had a variety of responses from flowers and cards to a sorry for your loss text to nothing.

The responses don't really match the importance of the friendships to me. Now I'm thinking that the people I thought were good friends are actually not. Is this just my mind giving itself something to be occupied with or are my friends telling me they're not that bothered about me?

I feel hurt but then am I just being dramatic?

Really I don't know.

I lost my Dad 15 years ago, unexpectedly. I am so sorry for your loss.

Honestly, sometimes people just don’t know what to do/say. They worry about ‘making things worse’ which seems mad to us because how could things possibly be worse? 15 years in, I remember the ones who surprised me by their warmth and willingness to get it ‘wrong’ rather than the ones who disappointed me. I hope the same for you.

So sorry.

I lost my father 6 weeks ago and experienced the same reaction. Have your friends lost a parent - if not then they don't know how to react. Godparent to my DD called me the day after ( totally wrong as not up to talking) and never wrote despite knowing him well, which hurts.

Some people just cant handle it op. Im sorry for your loss

I agree that some people are just so much better at knowing what to do/say than others
And that doesn't necessarily match the closeness if the friends
But it does make you think
It's weird

The particular friends who have all but ignored it have all lost one or both parents quite some years ago - before I knew them. Maybe they think it's no biggie and I'm lucky to have had my dad so long.

A lot of people don't know how to handle death. They don't know what to say. It's very very common and please don't lose friendships over this. Remember it's an emotional time for you so you might react differently that you normally would.

I make a point to call people when they've had a loss for just this reason.

I’m so terribly sorry for your loss

One of my closest friends DM died last year and I have to say I was stunned and I struggled with knowing what the right thing to do was at the time.
I actually spoke to her best friend to help guide me as she was with her quite a bit.
We’re close, we talk about everything, no secrets. At the time I settled for a visit, regular texts and just let her know I loved her and I was there for her.
Everyone reacts differently. Some people may never have dealt with a bereavement before and just shy away from facing it.
Trust me your friends are distraught for you. They are thinking about you all the time.
It’s hard for them to know how much to contact you, because they can’t fully know how you are feeling.
Don’t think they don’t love you, they do. Just people have a funny way of showing it, but love is love. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Don’t be upset by them. Just lean on them, I promise you they will be there for you if you let them know you need them.

Stay strong. Take your time. Plenty of deep breaths xx

Thank you everyone for your wise words and sorry for all who are also suffering from losing a loved one.

I think it helped just to acknowledge the hurt I'm feeling and recognise I'm not my usual self at the moment.

I agree not to lose friends over their behaviour but equally we are adults and should behave accordingly even if it's difficult

People are weird OP. I simply do not understand the way some people deal with difficult news. How are things for you now?

From my own experience, I can say that nobody understands the level of pain you are feeling. Grief is personal. It does not matter who you have lost or in what circumstances, it is your pain and it can make you feel isolated.

Your friends will still be your friends. That fact you have lost someone will not change their friendship, but it is hard to know what to do or say to a bereaved person.

Don't lose them over this is all I can say.

I never know what to say or what to do around bereavement. I'm nervous about saying the wrong thing, of not wanting to make it more difficult for the bereaved, so don't say much.

It doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you or care about you.

The last thing anyone wants to do is hear your bad news and do struggle to get words out. I've no doubt they're feeling for you.
I'm very sorry for your loss is easy from a stranger.
Many condolences OP. Just get hugs. Words mean nothing.

Sorry for your loss
My mom died when I was 25.
Most of my friends were absolutely useless.
My so called best friend refused to see me the day after mom died because she 'couldnt cope'.

Sorry for your loss x

No words of comfort, but recently experienced this too. Our world falls apart while others carry on, I just think that some people don’t do the things that maybe you & I would do. It hurts but try to look after yourself x

I'm sorry for your loss. You are overthinking it OP. You dad's death is rightly the most important thing to you, but it won't be for others. Most likely they don't know what to say. But we all have our own "stuff" going on. Hugs.

Honestly, sometimes people just don’t know what to do/say. They worry about ‘making things worse’

Godparent to my DD called me the day after ( totally wrong as not up to talking) and never wrote despite knowing him well

From the first 2 posts - people really don't know the best thing to do sometimes. Eg The Godparent probably thought ringng was the right thing to do

Yes some people don't know how to react to death, but sometimes it takes something that big in your life to make you realise that some friends just aren't there for you when you need them. You then have a choice about what role, if any, you want them to play in your life from now on.

When my dad died in a different country I wasn't able to get back for the funeral, I was very upset and asked my so called best friend of ten years to meet me for lunch. She didn't show up and made a totally bullshit excuse when I managed to get hold of her despite the fact that I had driven for an hour to meet at a place of her choosing. I never spoke to her again - I realised that I had asked her for something twice in all the time we knew each other and both times she let me down despite my being there for her in so many ways over the years. I know lots of people think that was really harsh but I have no regrets.

I'm sorry for your loss x

Remember as well that everyone handles things differently. The day after my Dad died, my godfather queried why I was at my children’s swimming lessons because it didn’t fit his idea of what I should be doing.

You cannot have a fixed idea of how people should react in any given situation. There is no obligation to send you cards and flowers and not doing so doesn’t mean they care any less.

Hi op, sorry for the loss of your df
I lost my father three years ago. It’s such a personal and emotional time. I pretty much hid from everyone until his funeral. I just felt numb.
I tend to find that friends that haven’t lost a parent don’t know how to react. They just don’t understand. Well, how can they, when they haven’t lost a parent.
Don’t take it as who cares more, it’s such a hard time emotionally. Take care of yourself.

My dear Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 weeks ago and I could have written your post.
A couple of my oldest, dearest friends messaged me to say how shocked and saddened they were, but nothing since.
Not even a card.
I have felt really hurt (especially as they both knew him well) but I have tried to put myself in their shoes. Neither have them have lost a parent, so I guess they have no concept of how painful it is, and how comforting messages/cards etc are.

I'm so sorry about your Dad Picassopilot . I think it is just as others have said and they a lot of people don't know how to react to a death.

I'm struggling with seeing them in the same way though and with these people actually don't think it is that they don't know what to do - it is just unimportant to them. Despite the good advice here I've mentally adjusted my view of them.

@ivegotdreadfulpmttoday

I can see why you have mentally adjusted your view on them. And your message has given me food for thought.
I got a ‘follow’ up message from one the other day, but it was very short and blunt. It’s as if she felt she should message but was actually too busy to
So, as you say, that shows how unimportant my feelings are to her.

A friend who I was becoming estranged from prior to Dad’s passing has been the weirdest so far. She was like family up until a few months ago. I have no idea what I did wrong. We spent Xmas’s together, kids birthdays etc etc. She called my parents Mum and Dad because she said they were more like parents to her than hers ever were.
She hasn’t sent a card, didn’t ask for the link to the funeral, hasn’t messaged or spoken to my Mum. All she has sent me is a sad face emoticon! WTF?!
Suffice to say we are completely estranged now
People are strange

I lost my sister 6 weeks ago. I've noticed the different reactions from different people and it think a lot of it depends on whether the person has experienced bereavement themselves. It was the first bereavement in my family since I lost my last grandparent as a young child and I know now that I would behave differently if a friend was bereaved as I know what it feels like now. The people in my life who have been most comforting have all experienced bereavement. Others are unsure of protocol, especially with Covid19 to deal with too

Sympathies OP.

People are weird. One of my longstanding friendships fell apart after my Mum died as my friend didn't respond at all to my email telling her about the death (she lived long distance, and we communicated by email).

Because I received no response I became convinced I'd forgotten to tell her I messaged her again once the dust settled/ funeral was over apologising. She then replied saying that she didn't know what to say so hadn't messaged back, didn't ask how I was and sent a whole pile of trite information about her DC.

The final straw was running into her parents in the supermarket who didn't even know my mother had died - she hadn't bothered to tell them (they are a close family and message all the time despite the distance).

I spent so much time with her when we were teens, supported her through some hard stuff pre and post emigration and my Mother was really kind to her children - sending them books and presents that I just couldn't move past her total failure to attempt to support me.