Grief and the road to healing

[Willowkins]

I've been thinking of starting this thread for a while and recently had some encouragement that it might be useful to others as a place of support and learning. Everyone’s welcome but I’m equally happy to waffle on alone.
My story is that my DH (known on MN as MrW) died last year after living with cancer for 3 years. I struggled with anxiety and was on Sertraline for a long time. I'm glad to say that a combination of counselling and HRT have brought me to the place where I'm not generally anxious and I feel ready to deal with the grief. Losing the Sertraline means I can actually feel sad.

In the background, is my realisation that I never really dealt with the deaths of my DSis, DMum and DDad (all years ago) preferring instead to keep myself busy. So now I feel that I need to deal with those bereavements too.
I start telephone counselling with Cruse next week. I also have a couple of self-help books to work through.
I’m not sure where this road leads exactly but I hope to lose a lot of luggage along the way.

Hi.
My best friend was killed 12 years ago when we were 23 and i still haven't fully processed it.
Then my dear cousin was killed in Afghanistan a year later. An experience which still feels like a film I watched rather than something o experienced.

I tried to start counselling once years ago but a mix of not liking the counsellor and not being ready for it meant that I never attempted to get help again.

Welcome Pink but sorry for the reasons you're here.
For what it's worth, I don't believe that there is a 'proper' way to grieve. It's a journey with no clear destination. To begin with, all those feelings are too much to cope with all in one go. That doesn't mean they don't exist. Or that you will never get to deal with them. For now, just be kind to yourself.

Hope the counselling helps you shed some if the luggage x

My DH died last year after a 2 year illness. I started counselling at diagnosis and worked through most of my immediate grief before he died. I felt relief for all of us when he died and have focused on living for today. I have had a hard couple of weeks as lockdown ends. The realisation that he isn’t coming back. The little things our kids will miss out on. Eldest hates seeing boys with their dads at football practice. Lockdown was safe, we did ok but I’m faced with the enormous reality that this is my new life and how I am going to live if the best I can

Thank you Nota you're always so supportive even when you've got so much going on in your own life. Pop in anytime.

beer (couldn't bring myself to call you Corona). It sounds like you found a way through that works for you. Still here if you need to unload.

I would have said the same this time last year - something like: done shock and denial, skipped past anger and will arrive at acceptance next Tuesday. Except it wasn't like that for me. Often grief is depicted as a U shape whereas Cruse say it's more like spaghetti - up, down, backward, forward and confused.

I've had my first session with Cruse. It sounds like we're going to have a lovely chat in the coming weeks. Still not not sure where this is going but trying to keep an open mind.

Here's my big old suitcase that I will name: Guilt. Guilt rumbles like thunder in the background and tells me I did not do enough. I also have a handbag called: Youdidthebestyoucould but she sounds like a squeaky wheel and isn't helping.

Willowkins
That is exactly how I feel. The guilt weighs so heavy.
That, and being constantly on the edge of a panic attack.

My mum died last year and my dad at the start of lock down I just get through the days as best as I can ,the pain of missing them is unbelievable comes in waves

Ah yes my old friend guilt 😳

Hello and welcome end, tinker and foxy.
It's my boy's 18th birthday this week. Signing his card just from Mum made me pause. Is MrW looking down and smiling at the nice man my boy has become? Truth is that I have no way of knowing but I choose to believe that he is. Hello Delusion and welcome to the journey. I imagine that Delusion is a hat because it sits on the brain. My shoes are called Sadness and Sorrow. They're not very stylish but I need them for now.

My DH died just 3 weeks after yours @Willowkins. Since even before he died I feel I have had to put a ‘brave face’ on and be positive for everyone, for our Dd (9), for DH’s mum. I feel I have to put in a show for everyone so they don’t feel sad. I met an acquaintance a few months ago who was getting visibly upset when expressing her condolences so I was the one being all cheery and comforting her saying ‘oh it doesn’t matter’ I mean it does matter! I lost my DH and I’m minimising my love and feelings to help others. What’s that about?

It’s other people that I’m constantly amazed by. I’ve had a few friends telling me I shouldn’t dismiss the thoughts of having another relationship and should I still be wearing my wedding ring. It’s all so crass.

Like you I feel so much guilt, especially when I look at our DD. It’s not fair that he doesn’t see how well she is growing up and enjoy all the special moments.

Skyline I've had those experiences too. Is it that we hide our pain so others don't have to feel bad?

I think other people do feel bad witnessing the grief of others. Our world shrinks down to just include people who share our grief, or have experienced it themselves.
I think many people can't cope with it and they just disappear.
We have to pretend we are moving on, just to make others feel comfortable.
I smile and talk, try to do normal things. But I still have terrible nightmares.

Okay so I've had my next telephone counselling session and I was able to open up and say the things I feel guilty about.

But she's nice. And I realised I wanted her to tell me I was a failure. Because I think I failed. Also, I wasn't willing to accept myself for who I am.

But she said something I think is true. I need to focus on all the good stuff I did, the things I got right. So I am going to write that down on a piece of paper.

She also said that I needed to deal with the stuff that I thought was bad, that I thought I got wrong. So I'm going to make a list of that as well. Not sure what I am going to do with the second list yet.

Hello All - thank you @willowkins for another thread of support for us Griefsters (stoke that from the wonderful Griefcast podcast).

My DH has been dead for three weeks now, was cremated last week which was some closure but also a huge finality. Nothing is better for me.

A friend from NZ has sent me a book 'Resilient Greiving' Lucy Hone which is helping, she really is incredible. Here is link to her Ted Talk:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw

I am looking forward to 'hanging out' with you lot 💐

Welcome to the journey chinchin. I'm totally up for being a Griefster and will look up the podcast.

Thank you also for the Ted Talk link. That's really powerful stuff - worth more in depth study but, for those skimming, Lucy Hone suggests that resilient people (1) know they are not immune to bad things happening; (2) take note of positive things in their lives; and (3) ask the question: Is this behaviour harming or helping me?

I listened to a bit of that podcast chinchin (my first ever listening to a podcast!) and there is some very useful stuff in there. One thing is that it reminds us that everyone is going through some kind of grief. We're not alone.

I am reading a book called It's OK not to be OK. It talks about self-compassion and basically said this is to love and accept the imperfect self: I'm so not perfect - so what.

I also remembered how difficult it was in the pre-bereavement, caring-for-someone-with-significant-health-issues period. One the hand, they were adults and I could only support them in whatever they decided. On the other hand, was there anyway I could have presented the options better that might have led to a better outcome? Should I have fought harder? Two answers to that.

Firstly, my job included international negotiations and I was pretty good at it so my presentation was probably sound. I'm guessing the problem was with the person hearing - in my parents case, they still thought of me as their baby (I was 50+) and they didn't want to be any bother. As for MrW, after 2-3 years he'd simply had enough.

In answer to the question: Should I have fought harder? The answer is Yes. I should have gone to see the GP with Mum (but she said not to). I should have visited more often (even though they said not to). It was a 700-mile 14-hour round trip but it was not that put me off. It was them saying they didn't need me. I should have gone anyway. I don't know what else I could have done for MrW - maybe insist he had another operation? Can you even do that? Get a second opinion? Would any of that changed the outcome? Would any of this have saved their lives?

This makes me realise I need to ditch the guilt. I'm lugging that big ol' suitcase to the edge of a cliff and dropping it into the ocean. Bye Guilt. More room for Sad now.

It's so hard. I'm sorry for everyone's terrible losses. My husband died very suddenly two years ago. I still can't believe it. Both my parents are at the end of life. Mum (dementia plus other complications) terrible, but in a care home so I'm not dealing with the day to day. Dad (cancer, now spread to multiple sites, a couple of months left at most). It's currently awful, and I know it's going to get a lot lot worse. I'm shouldering such a caring burden I feel completely overwhelmed. I recognise what you said about the pre bereavement stage.

It's strange because when my husband died I thought I'd give anything to have had some warning, but I've had that with dad and it's not easier. It's all awful.

I've had counselling on and off but it's too much at the moment. I'm so sad to read how you feel. Please try to be your own kind friend. We're always too critical and hard on ourselves. You'd never say those things about someone else. You know you couldn't have done more.

Welcome @Candleabra💐

@Willowkins I'm pleased you are listening to Griefcast - I dip in / out of episodes - I have listened to the Sophie Ratcliffe episode many times as her father died when she was 13 (sane age as my DD) of cancer. Am reading her book too. I love podcasts - if you want any recommendations I'm your woman!

The Guilt - I too have that. I find reading this helpful, it's a very normal emotion - so yes, we need to get rid of that pesky one:

www.cancervic.org.au/living-with-cancer/grief/experience-of-grief.html

Have my DH's ashes, so he's been in bed with me for last two nights, I have slept so well - it's some comfort.

@chinchin77 one of my mums friends takes her DH ashes everywhere with her, abroad or UK.

There was a documentary on radio 2 a couple of years ago as my best friends dad was told his cancer was terminal and I always remember it. It was saying for the person a quick drop dead not knowing anything was the perfect death but crap for the family - loads of what ifs, regrets etc. For the family a slow drawn out death was the better option as they had time (do we ever have time ??...) to tell them things, ask questions etc but for the person the worst death.

I don't think you ever get over the loss of a loved one. You just get used to living with it.
I don't want to get over it because I never want to forget. It's how I deal with it in my head.

@notapizzaeater I feel I will be much the same, although they are quite hefty!

I am going to get these pendants made, one for his DM, our DD and myself. I have his hair also:

loveinajewel.com/pages/the-personalised-pendant-collection

Im sure there won't be a problem sending a tiny amount of ashes to NZ. I'll have to check.

The documentary sums it up, DH had such an awful, awful last six months. I have to reassure myself he was so loaded up on pain relief at the end he wasn't aware of what was going on - he died of sepis in the end. It's still just shit.

@Anordinarymum my thoughts exactly. 💐

[quote chinchin77]@Anordinarymum my thoughts exactly. 💐[/quote]
Thank you chinchin. I have been to hell and back but I am still here and have to be here for other people. Some days are dark and some days are better.
If we did not grieve we would not cope. It's a coping mechanism. It is a human condition and I know I am not mental :)