Social Distanced funeral

[101Pizzaqueen]

I lost my lovely Mum unexpectedly on Saturday after a very short battle with Cancer. Whilst I am totally devastated that she has gone, I am also struggling to come to terms with the fact that due to COVID we won't be able to give her the funeral that she deserves. My mum is not religious so did not want a minister at the service and my Dad has advised that he doesn't want a humanist service as it will only be immediate family who already know everything about her life. Has anyone else had any experience of a lockdown funeral? Did you have a service? I'm so worried that it's going to be rubbish and she'll be looking down on us thinking is that it?

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum

My mum died at the start of the month three weeks after testing positive for Covid. She was in her 90s and had had dementia for the past five years, but it’s still a big loss.

My mum wasn’t religious either, but we had a humanist celebrant. It was a socially distanced funeral in the crematorium, with only ten allowed inside (and no one 70+ or in an at risk group, although I don’t know how they police that). The crematorium also gave us the option of leaving the main doors open for anyone who turned up to the car park to pay their respects. More people that we’d been expecting came to stand outside and we later found out that the crematorium had placed small speakers at the doors, so people could hear the service. My understanding of maximum numbers is dependent on the size of the chapel and the undertaker’s own policy - I don’t think it’s a one size fits all thing.

We had a eulogy, one song, a short period of silent reflection and then the committal. The service was 30 mins rather than the usual 45 mins - we were encouraged to have a shorter service rather than required to do so. They also wheeled the coffin in rather than carry it - the undertaker had told us this in advance, which I was glad about as I otherwise might have been a bit taken aback. The celebrant was really good - he’d never known my mum but took time to chat with us a few times and he read our our tribute word for word. Although everyone there knew my mum’s life, it was nice to hear it.

It’s a personal choice, but it wouldn’t have felt right to me not to have had a eulogy. You may also need to bear in mind that people might turn up to wait outside, unless you advise them specifically that you don’t want that. If you’re ok with folk being outside, then it might be quite nice for them to be able to hear the service as well.

I think my advice would be to chat with the undertaker so that you’re aware of whatever restrictions are in place and then to chat as a family re what you want. Don’t feel bad about going back to the undertaker with questions and/or for advice - that’s what they’re there for.

As I’m writing this, I realise I’m being very matter of fact - I don’t mean to be as this is a truly dreadful time for you. I was really dreading my mum’s funeral but I got through it (as we do). The time between now and the funeral will be very testing for you, but it’s just all part of what’s a shitty time.

I hope you’re bearing up as well as you can. My thought are with you.

I also meant to say that the undertaker didn’t require us to wear masks but asked us to consider doing so. I therefore took some along and asked people to wear one and all but one person did.

I also feel the same op. My mum passed away yesterday and it breaks my heart that so many people won’t be able to come who wanted to.
We’re only allowed 20 in the crematorium, 4 in the foyer, and no restrictions outside providing everyone socially distances. This means we have to make some very difficult decisions and some people may be hurt that they won’t be able to attend. 😢😢

Consider having a secular memorial service in a few weeks once you can have what you want - including a reception. Most churches will allow you to rent the space even if you don't want the Vicar. I've mc'd them, music, poetry, eulogy, just no prayers.

Sorry for your loss Pizzaqueen. It sounds like things happened quite quickly and it must be shocking

You say that "it will only be immediate family who already know everything about her life" so maybe a formal biographical eulogy wouldn't be the right fit. However, you'll all remember different things about her and have different stories and memories. Could you, or those who want to, perhaps speak about those? Themed or random.
Also music and poems

My sister and I visited the crematorium yesterday where we're having 12 people for my mum's funeral on Friday. In the run up to her dying we felt (like you do) that the funeral would be a compromised thing and that we'd do a Real Thing down the line. But as we started to plan it, we realised it IS a/the Real Thing. The closer it gets, and the more preparations my sister and I do: Choosing music she'd love, making an Order of Service that we can send out with copies of our speeches/eulogies... the more it's starting to feel like the event we want.

If you wanted to bring more people in, as it were, put the word out to friends and relations for their own thoughts and memories of her that could be shared on the day.

One further thought: the crematorium we're using does webcasts, so it's possible for people all over to be 'with you' live on the day (and for 28 days after). They charge £45 for the service.

As others have said, you could do something seperate down the line too.

We had a lockdown funeral for FIL. We were allowed 10 attendees and it was very nice actually. No music provided by the Crem so we had to take our own portable speaker, but had a catholic service - I know this wouldn't suit in your case - and attendees did readings, sang etc. We had to sit socially distanced and some benches were taped off and we had to stick very closely to time so the Crem could be cleaned between each group. A Lovely touch was that adult neice brought an individual picnic for everyone which we had in the grounds after so we could all catch up as there was obviously no reception after.

Thank you for your kind replies. We spoke with the undertakers today and I feel a little better about the funeral. We are only allowed 10 guests due to be size of the crematorium, but I like the idea of having a memorial gathering once restrictions have been lifted. My dad still wasn't keen on the idea of having a service so we have agreed to have my Aunt say a few words and have some messages from friends read out as well as having three of her favourite songs played. She wanted to be piped into the crematorium (Scottish) but they aren't allowed to have that either so will try and arrange for a piper to play outside the house before we leave. Not what we had hoped for but understandable due to the current situation x

@101Pizzaqueen I’m glad you got something sorted out. The idea of having your aunt read something and also asking some of your mum’s friends to write a memory is a lovely idea. Ditto the piper at your home as you’re coming out.

To you and the others who’ve posted replies, I’m so sorry for your losses, especially at this time, and you’re in my thoughts.

It’s not easy but we are allowed 16 and people outside 2m apart - we’ve been advices speakers are installing so those outside will here service (tomorrow) I’ve allowed 3 weeks and have come to terms with the idea “ it is what it is”
I’ve still planned tributes and music, kept arrangements simple

Undertaker is leading service, relative Reading eulogy and then outside afterwards for a drink

Later when things are safe I shall organise a coffee morning for funds for Marie Curie as a tribute and in way of not having a proper funeral - though they wouldn’t have minded a direct funeral as we did talk about this and lock down had started

Sorry for you loss, cancer is particularly cruel and it’s not easy in these circumstances