Not coping so well tonight

[KatyMac]

I lost my mum about a months ago - not Covid - but of course Covid meant I didn't see her

It comes and goes in waves & I guess tonights waves are just a very high tide

I just want to send the hugest of genuine hugs to you!

I lost my Dad very suddenly, just over 2 months ago - it’s so hard. I got the call, rushed down and was there when the paramedics worked on him, for what seemed like forever.

It’s so tough isn’t it and very up and down. I find I’m easily irritable at the minute.

You’ll have bad days and better days.

Again, huge hugs and although it doesn’t make it any easier, remember your lost loved one wouldn’t want you to feel so sad. xx

I’m so sorry. A month is no time at all. You’re still processing it. Be kind to yourself

My condolences.

I lost mine on 1st July, and it’s the most dreadful feeling. I feel completely destabilised and so, so sad.

Oh @Blossom4538 hugs to you too & @LunaNorth, and @custardbear
and @Squirrel134 & @MrsDrudge

We are all probably too hard on ourselves; it takes time

I think you’re right KatyMac. We believe we should be able to cope and it puts us under even more pressure when we think we aren’t. I think I’m a failure when I can’t force myself to put on a brave face and carry on. Sometimes I just can’t.

I referred myself to the mental health team who said well it's grief it'll take time

& I said no it's not grief, it's guilt - guilt I didn't see her before she died, guilt she went into a nursing home & was isolated from everyone for 2 weeks, guilt I didn't try harder to get her released to home and when we finally made all the (massively difficult) arrangements she died before she went, guilt because she didnt have a proper funeral

& fear of it happening again to me or DH or someone in the family

You did a courageous thing to speak to MH team, you seem to have got a lot off your chest. You tried your very best for your mum and made the hardest decisions which were the correct ones at the time. You have no reason to feel guilty about circumstances which were way beyond your control. Guilt and blaming yourself for what you think you should’ve done is all a part of grief. In your heart you want things to have been different, or not to have happened at all because you loved your mum so much. None of it is your fault. I know you will have done lots of lovely, kind and thoughtful things with and for your mum too, and I hope you will be able to think of some of these too. I can feel your heartache and wish I could comfort it x

Eek I was bad last night! Sorry

Mental health team = the email you get from the gp if you say you need help

So I get a grief webinar on Monday and go on the waiting list for cbt which could be January apparently! Poor things must be watching the whole covid trainwreak and trying to work out how to spread their astonishingly thin teams across an ever expanding range of patient and shuddering

I imagine i am the least of their problems

And realistically because I am starting from a good place and I have family support and I can vocalise my fears and I know how to work through acting/thinking irrationallly and I will talk to everyone and anyone who will listen I will get through this

Though I need to get better at late nights obviously

@KatyMac I confess I do early rising and late nights and on the upside that means no insomnia or late night fretting, but that is because - of course! - I'm short of sleep!
I'd also recommend very light fiction for last thing at night - whatever the modern equivalent of Georgette Heyer is - anything completely divorced from reality with a guaranteed happy ending and the level of dramatic tension reserved for the under-5s.

Thank - I am ODing on Kindle unlimited; so much so my kindle is having a breakdown and restarting every 2/3 minutes!!

Having a 'grief in Covid' webinar this morning

I imagine this wont be fun!