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Bereavement

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To have completely shut down my feelings after losing someone.

6 replies

Anney28 · 27/06/2020 15:47

Hi all, I lost a close family a few weeks before lockdown. Prior to that I hadn’t lost anyone close to me so the feelings are new to me. I had never even been to a funeral so I didn’t know what to expect. Thankfully we were able to hold a normal funeral before lockdown.

I feel like I haven’t grieved. I miss him dearly and think about him every day but I’ve barely shed a tear in about 3 months. I cried a little for maybe a week or two but nothing since. Generally I’m not much of a crier and hide me emotions well.

I feel like I’ve gone into autopilot. I’ve chucked myself into lockdown, looking after my children and spending time with my husband. We’ve been busy during lockdown exploring the countryside where we are fortunate to live, doing up the garden, decorating and keeping up with the children’s home work.

But I feel totally guilty that I haven’t felt much emotion. Like I said I miss him dearly.

I have hundreds of photos of him. I sorted them out just after he died but I’ve not looked at them since.

Is it normal to avoid wanting to look at photos? I have photos on my phone camera roll and j just scroll past them. I can’t bear it. Maybe I know that will set me off and I want to feel strong and in control. I’m so exhausted from lockdown (two kids with sen) that I’ve barely had any time to think for myself.

My family wee the opposite. Although we haven’t been able to see them during lockdown. They are still very emotional, it’s really affected their mental health, they mope around whereas I’ve been keeping myself busy. It is me to keep busy and shit off my feelings!

Like I said I think about him all the time but I don’t really talk about him to people.

Anyone else experienced this? It seems to go against the norm of grieving.

OP posts:
FluffyFluffyClouds · 27/06/2020 18:01

I have been very similar with the loss of my parents this year (within months of each other). Very few tears. Just afterwards I was ok with seeing photos (and I'm fine with the ones I've always had out) but I'm feeling increasingly sensitive about other ones, and I have lots.

Deathwise this wasn't my first rodeo - I've lost close people before + but then I did grieve "normally". I was taken aback when this didn't follow my parents' deaths, but on talking to friends, it's not as unusual as you might think.

Sorry for your loss Flowers and hope this was a little bit reassuring.

NervousInYorkshire · 27/06/2020 18:04

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers
I had very similar a while ago ; although there's no such thing as 'normal', it seems to be a fairly common reaction.

Take good care and be gentle with yourself.

WhenCoronaWasALager · 01/07/2020 08:45

I'm experiencing this too and it's very confusing. I'm not sure if I'd already grieved after many false alarms, or whether I'm too scared to let myself go and grieve.

LuckyBitches · 01/07/2020 14:17

Everyone grieves differently, nonetheless what you are describing sounds pretty normal to me. I don't think we are built to withstand a constant state of upset, so it has to be periodic. I notice you said that you feel guilty that you're not experiencing emotion, but that you miss him dearly. Isn't that an emotion? You are finding your own way through this - you can't get it wrong.

And maybe you're just a bit emotionally spent at the moment, I can certainly relate my own experience to this: my brother died of cancer, which was devastating and emotional. Two years later my dad became terminally ill, and I just didn't have enough in the tank to care, I was all cried out. I am still just annoyed with him (and he has been dead for 2 years). Grief and loss is wierd (and diverse!). Flowers

BostonFernGreen · 12/07/2020 17:17

Sorry for your loss OP. My best friend died and it took me a year to really feel the sadness. Lots of people have tried to talk to me about it or help but I just haven't wanted them to bring it up. I do dream of her and cry in dreams.

Don't feel guilty, it's just how your brain handles it and you can't help that. Your subconscious is doing its thing in the background.

Lockdown is really hard even if you don't mind lots of things about it. Maybe your brain is protecting you until life is more routine.

Abraid2 · 12/07/2020 17:18

I didn’t cry for my father when he died before Christmas. I miss him but I did my weeping in the last year of his life, as he declined.

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