Am I grieving ‘wrong’?

[Cloudygreydaysahead]

My cousin died a month ago. She was young (25) it was sudden, unexpected and unexplained. We are a very small family and she was the closest thing I have to a sister; my only other cousin being her sister. I’ve been so upset and our family fell out earlier this year and it caused an atmosphere between us and I just wish I could give her a cuddle and tell her none of it matters and I love her so very much. I can’t even comfort her parents or grieve with them as they want nothing to do with my mother or myself.
I have good days where I feel reasonably ok, days crying, and days when I’m angry and I take it out on DH. I’m almost jealous of all the family he still has and all his cousins.
It was DH birthday the day after the funeral and it was a bad day for me, I just felt so angry. He said it was on purpose to ruin his birthday and he said I can’t be fine one day and not the next - but I literally just have to go by how I feel when I open my eyes. I think his birthday was worse as it was the day after the funeral so it was the first time it really hit me.
What’s wrong with me? Why am I so up and down like this?

Grief is unexpected and violent in the way it can hit you. It’s ok to grieve in ways that seem odd to other people - there’s no map out of grief, you just have to find your way through it as best you can.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Someone I loved died and for a year I resented each day taking me further away from them. It’s so hard.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We just what feel natural.

Your DH sounds insensitive about his birthday. The idea of celebrating a day after a loved ones funeral is tough to stomach.

I appreciate you have regrets about the last part of your relationship but clearly it was great before the family rift. It might help to focus on that and this memories.

I found grief counselling to be a huge help when I lost a loved one, despite being totally convinced it would be pointless.

Be kind to yourself.

Similar situation here Op. My BIL died in February (age 41) and my DS’s 2nd birthday was the day after the funeral. V v difficult, my husband is still suffering. Like you he is “fine” one day and not the next.

We are all due to have family grief counselling as soon as Covid restrictions allow. I have a lot of anger inside at the whole situation so am hoping this will help.

Be kind to yourself

Thank you both, you’ve really comforted me. I think it makes it so much harder as it was so unexplained to. They think it was her heart but she was fine, passed out and never recovered.

My younger brother died unexpectedly at 33yrs old, his funeral was the day before my sons birthday. It's so hard, everyone was there for my parents (I don't have a good relationship with them) but nobody asked about me or his nieces and nephew. Several years later I fell pregnant (completely unplanned, contraception failed) I was offered two dates for a termination, the anniversary of his death or the anniversary of his funeral. Nobody could understand why at 38 I kept the baby! Sending you love, the pain doesn't leave but it gets easier to cope with

It doesn't sound like your husband has ever lost anyone close to him - of course you can be fine one day and not the next, ESPECIALLY so soon after the death. Grief is not linear. It jumps up and grabs you when you least expect it sometimes, even years later.

Sudden deaths are even harder I think - I lost my cousin to suicide 6 years ago, and was utterly devastated, and it still hits me now every so often. Don't expect too much of yourself, although perhaps try to recognise when you're taking it out on the people around you. Try counselling too - you're grieving both the person you lost and how your relationship was at the end of her life, which is a double whammy.

Thank you very much everyone x

Hugest of hugs.

I am grieving and am exactly the same emotionally (Upset, better days, awful days, angry, sad, irritable) and with the good and bad days! I know my Mum and Sister are feeling like that too xx