Should my little brother know?

[Namechangebro]

It’s coming up to the two year anniversary of DF’s death and it has me thinking a lot as I have a much younger little brother, not even a teen yet. He hero worships my Dad and saw an amazing side to him that will now never be tarnished the way it was for me and my other sibling.

He was a very complicated man, I think probably narcissistic. There was abuse and affairs (one my DB is the product of). He was a fun dad when we were younger but didn’t really know how to parent teenagers as he couldn’t control us as much and we didn’t idolise him in the same way.

I’ve been feeling happy that at least my younger brother won’t be let down by him or have his memories tarnished. Is it something he will inevitably find out about and should be told DF was a bit of a complicated person? Should we start gradually talking about how nobody’s perfect etc or is it possible he can just keep this perfect image of him? He asks a lot of questions and I think eventually he might put two and two together that everything is not as it seems but it breaks my heart to think of him being hurt all over again.

@Namechangebro so sorry for your loss, I've been there and it's not a fun place to be.

I hope this isn't out of turn, but please don't say negative things to your siblings about your dad. What he was to you and what he was to them is different. Let them discover on their own, which they may never do. It could also harm your relationship if they're not ready to hear it.

Thank you jazzi, I agree with you I don’t actually want to say anything negative about him and I never have. I love my DF and have some amazing memories of him so it’s easy to share those with younger sibling when he asks questions and leave out the bad bits.

My worry is that because of the kind of questions he asks he’s going to eventually connect the dots about time scales etc and work out that he is the product of an affair. It feels like one of those family secrets now that is going to be earth shattering when he finds out. I’m sad it will be like a double loss to him to find out DF wasn’t this perfect human.

Could you talk things through with a counsellor?

Surely your younger brother knows his dad had another family (you guys)....you must have different mothers. He mist have seen either dad lived with him and visited you or vice versa.

You don't need to spell anything out. Just answer with age appropriate answers if he asks direct questions.

Surely the most important thing is that your brother knows how important he is to you and that whatever the origins of his birth he is a blessing and loved.

zoedoodle thank you that’s a good idea.

He does know we have different mothers but as we are so much older with families of our own I think he sees it as DF lived with us in the olden days and it’s not connected to his life at all. There wasn’t really any going back and forth as by the time DB came a long we were older and DF had completely lost interest in us.

Yes I definitely want him to know he’s loved no matter what. He’s been dealing with DF’s death well so far and hopefully feels loved and supported. I do try to answer his questions honestly but when he starts asking about time scales I get nervous and usually try to steer the conversation or just try to direct those to his mum as I feel like it’s not really my place to out her either. I think she’d be upset if I shattered his illusions by being too honest.

I’ve been in your brothers position. I was the child who was the product of an affair, and my older half siblings were all already grown up with families of their own. I also had no idea there was any crossover, and assumed my dad ended his first relationship before starting a relationship with my mum. I didn’t find out the truth for about 30 years! It was never hidden from me as such, I just never really thought about it. I never felt like it was an earth shattering secret, although I did have a lot of questions! I was an adult though, not a pre-teen boy, so my experience may not be relevant at all.

I really would encourage you to talk it through with something - because it feels like right now you’re taking a lot of responsibility for the situation, how he might feel, what to do etc, and it would be good to get some support for yourself as well as helping you figure it out.

Thanks neighbours for sharing your experience! Was your father living when you found this out? And how did your mum feel about it? I know having affairs doesn’t necessarily make you a bar person but if the other stuff came out too I think it might be quite earth shattering to him as he really has DF on a pedestal.

I don’t feel responsible for it as such but he does ask me a lot of questions about DF and sometimes it gets into sketchy territory and I don’t know what is my place to say.

I think you’re right zoe and actually it might be an idea for me to talk to somebody in general as I have a lot of conflicting feelings about DF And his death. Thanks everyone for responding.

I would just continue as you are and direct questions about timescales to his mum. If anyone should tell him then it should be her.

I dont think he really needs to know, grown up relationships aren't really for children to worry about. His dad was there for him and thats all that matters to a young boy.

We had a similar situation, my brothers dad abused me when I was a teen. I didn't see any reason for my brother to know and ruin his memory of his dad but my sister insisted on telling him. I just think it was cruel and unnecessary. The man was dead, no threat to anyone.

Thank you Lycra and

Thanks neighbours for sharing your experience! Was your father living when you found this out? And how did your mum feel about it?

My dad died when I was 6, which is probably why I never realised at the time. He was still seeing my mum and his wife at the time of his death. They both knew about each other.

I don’t think my mum ever set out to keep it a secret. But I was so young when he died, and it just never came up. I only found out in my 30s through a passing comment made by my half-sister, which caused me to question my mum about the situation. She answered everything factually, but didn’t offer any emotional insight into how she felt back then, or how she felt talking about it so many years later. I felt a bit sorry for her. She was only young herself when she had me, and I think she was naive and duped by him. I think as an adult I can see his pros and cons. He was a good dad but a terrible partner.