Worried that I’m feeling ok after mum’s death

[ZuzusPetaIs]

My mum passed away two weeks ago and the funeral was on Wednesday. She was 94 and living in a care home. Her “active dying” phase lasted for a week so, during this time, we were allowed to visit one at a time 24/7. In the run up to her death, I felt absolutely terrible to the extent that the GP prescribed me medication to help me sleep and to quell anxiety. I spent a lot of time at her bedside and it was just awful....... easily the most difficult week of my life.

I was very upset between her dying and the day of the funeral (Wednesday) but, since then, I’ve been feeling a lot calmer. It’s still very much at the forefront of my mind, but I seem to have what I’d describe as a calm acceptance of it all. I feel a little bit sad but am fairly normal apart from that. This isn’t at all how I expected to feel.

I’m now wondering if this is a calm before the storm or whether I’m just getting back to normal. If the latter, then I must admit that I’d feel a bit guilty.

There’s still adminy type things to do like collecting her ashes, paying the balance on the funeral and doing final accounts (as I had Power of Attorney). But her estate is small (about £5,000) so there’s not going to be much sorting out and it’ll probably be done quite quickly. Ditto her possessions - when she moved into the care home four years ago we had to give up her rented home and it was at that point we cleared a lot of her stuff - and that was difficult but she was still living so not as difficult as dealing with someone’s home after they’ve died. I’m going to the care home on Monday to get her possessions from her room, but that’s not going to be time-consuming. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s not really too much else to sort out so I’ll likely have this done next week.

I know death affects everyone differently, but I’m having real problems with the fact that I’m just not feeling that upset; I don’t really feel like I’m grieving.

I was wondering if anyone on here had experienced similar feeling.

@ZuzusPetaIs that's not as odd as you may think - I found a keen interest in concealment trolleys came out of nowhere. I think the brain likes to keep itself informed in case you have to go through something similar again. A bit weird but harmless.

@AWaspOnAWindowReturns I'm much the same with my Mum. Was going round some lovely gardens (NT, we stayed up past midnight last Thursday to book) today and it felt so wrong not to be meeting her in the carpark and see her whizzing around the grounds on her mobility scooter. But I didn't cry, I just feel empty. Like you I spent a lot of time with her during her last illness. Maybe our subconsciouses take the view that we paid for the grief up front...

How are you feeling now Zuzu?

I am no longer 'feeling ok after mum's death.'

The funeral was delayed by an admin mess up by the GP and finally happened on Friday, four weeks after my mum died. Fell apart yesterday, keening on the kitchen floor, my amazing 18yo dd stroked my back and wiped the tears and snot off the floor with several kitchen towels. Today I have dozens of tiny broken blood vessels over my upper face.

I feel like it's all starting just as 'the world' is starting to forget. I'm a self employed creative, part way through a number of commissions. I have been managing to chip away at these, and deliver them slowly but I'm worried I'm just going to slow to a stop.

Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow and I'll just be 'out of office' for the rest of today.

wordassoc luckily the body generally can't keep up any sort of extreme state.
You may be ok or ok enough anyway. Things might take more time or not be quite perfect but it's amazing how people muddle through somehow, slowly.

In a very very odd way I kind of envy you. I went up to Mum's house at the weekend to see her chap and sort some stuff out for him and
It was hard to see it - very similar but I could tell it was just him living there now.
This trickling seeping sadness, like most of it's held back by a dam and just drops and dribbles leak through the cracks .

It's different for my Dad. I found a postcard he'd sent us 40 years ago and wept over my home office. I never got to have the privilege of saying goodbye, of talking over old times, and I'm mourning the relationship we didn't have.

Grief is horrible isn't it? You feel bad for not feeling bad. You can't win.

Perhaps you grieved before she died and when she did die it was a relief.
You say she was 94. That is an amazing age. She lived a life and then she died.
Take your time. Your feelings for her will always be there. Do not feel guilty.

I lost a child nearly three years ago. It was a shock as he was killed. I have been to the edge of sanity many times and will never be the same ever again. I am reaching the stage where I do not cry every day but the pain is still there.

His life was cut short. My head won't handle it, and I don't even want to handle it. Grief is multifaceted, and there is no right or wrong.

My dad died of a heart attack. It took me two years to get over his death but now I feel better

My mother was in her nineties when she died and I felt nothing and still don't but she was abusive to me when I was a child so I cut off emotionally.

There's no right or wrong. Just take things day by day is my advice. It's all you can do really

My mother died very suddenly when I was very young. I also didn’t feel much grief and felt quite ashamed over that. To an extent I suppose it must have been because we were t close (really not my fault but I was ashamed of that too) and to an extent I suppose it was shock. I only felt true sadness several years later out of the blue. Grief is a weird thing.

@Loveinatimeofcovid

My mother died very suddenly when I was very young. I also didn’t feel much grief and felt quite ashamed over that. To an extent I suppose it must have been because we were t close (really not my fault but I was ashamed of that too) and to an extent I suppose it was shock. I only felt true sadness several years later out of the blue. Grief is a weird thing.

Yes, and it has a habit of hitting you when you least expect it.

Love I think it's also true that the bits of the brain etc that "do" grief aren't fully developed when we're young.