Worried that I’m feeling ok after mum’s death

[ZuzusPetaIs]

My mum passed away two weeks ago and the funeral was on Wednesday. She was 94 and living in a care home. Her “active dying” phase lasted for a week so, during this time, we were allowed to visit one at a time 24/7. In the run up to her death, I felt absolutely terrible to the extent that the GP prescribed me medication to help me sleep and to quell anxiety. I spent a lot of time at her bedside and it was just awful....... easily the most difficult week of my life.

I was very upset between her dying and the day of the funeral (Wednesday) but, since then, I’ve been feeling a lot calmer. It’s still very much at the forefront of my mind, but I seem to have what I’d describe as a calm acceptance of it all. I feel a little bit sad but am fairly normal apart from that. This isn’t at all how I expected to feel.

I’m now wondering if this is a calm before the storm or whether I’m just getting back to normal. If the latter, then I must admit that I’d feel a bit guilty.

There’s still adminy type things to do like collecting her ashes, paying the balance on the funeral and doing final accounts (as I had Power of Attorney). But her estate is small (about £5,000) so there’s not going to be much sorting out and it’ll probably be done quite quickly. Ditto her possessions - when she moved into the care home four years ago we had to give up her rented home and it was at that point we cleared a lot of her stuff - and that was difficult but she was still living so not as difficult as dealing with someone’s home after they’ve died. I’m going to the care home on Monday to get her possessions from her room, but that’s not going to be time-consuming. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s not really too much else to sort out so I’ll likely have this done next week.

I know death affects everyone differently, but I’m having real problems with the fact that I’m just not feeling that upset; I don’t really feel like I’m grieving.

I was wondering if anyone on here had experienced similar feeling.

@BeelzebubGoesToBenidorm I could have written your post, we weren't able to visit my Dad either so maybe I understand a tiny amount of how you feel if I may be so presumptuous. Certainly the going from calm to panic and back again.
Hugs, and we are here if you need to talk.

@ZuzusPetals I could have written your post. My Dad was in hospital from the Monday until he died on the Friday but he was unconscious all that time. We think he knew we there on the Monday with him while they admitted him (but that might be wishful thinking) but he was gone after that. Turned out it was only his oxygen tube keeping him going because as soon as they removed it to see if he could support himself he slipped away. Those 5 days gave us time to come to terms with him going I think so afterwards I felt like you. I had all the practical stuff to do as well as I was executor. He'd been ill for 10 years before he died and it had been a gradual decline from a fit active man of 75 going into hospital for a planned operation who then had a stroke a week later as a result of hospital neglect, through various falls, vascular dementia and Parkinson's to a final stroke or cardiac arrest at the end because he couldn't swallow his food and choked on his breakfast. You grieve while they're alive for the person they were and so at the end it's a happy release as my Dad would have hated how he was if he'd understood and known. Don't be sad. Remember them as they were when they were well. I'm sorry she's died though

I've taken to leaving a bit of paper on my bedside table as at night is when I feel sad about it, when I do I write down a funny or pleasant memory, though only from last night so I don't know how long it'll keep going for.

I think it comes and go, my dad died September last year, but it was around this time last year he started to get sick and we started to worry, so I was up most of last night remembering his final moments, which I haven’t obsessed over for a few months I had got good at remembering the good stuff. Just felt sick and sad last night.

I’m sorry for your loss take care of yourself. Grief is such a personal thing and you just deal with it as it comes.

sorry to hear about your mum x x

My mum died several years ago and it had a massive impact on me, and I found it awful and unbearable for 6 months, and on the 6th month anniversary I realised I had done the journey to her house for the first time without reliving the day she died. It was a real turning point. I still get caught out sometimes on mothers day or seeing a friend being close to their mum.
However my dad died last year and I felt nowhere near the same level of grief, and I worry that it might catch me when I'm least expecting it. However he had had illnesses throughout the last 5 years of his life that presented with some similarities to dementia. Each time the illness came he would change slightly, his mind would be different and I could see him getting more frail. I think in some ways I'd been losing part of the dad I knew for 5 years before he died so I'd almost done some of the grieving first.

I've taken to leaving a bit of paper on my bedside table as at night is when I feel sad about it, when I do I write down a funny or pleasant memory, though only from last night so I don't know how long it'll keep going for

I keep a notebook - one of those pretty embossed ones - and I do the same. I think of it as my diary to her and I very much write it as diary style. Sometimes when you can feel a feeling bubbling up but can't find how to properly connect with it, writing is a great way to release.

@chocolateequinox - thank you so much. I love the idea of keeping a bit of paper beside the bed, to write down funny memories. That's lovely.

Big hugs to everyone. It's a relief to read these posts in many ways, and I hope OP is bearing up.

@BeelzebubGoesToBenidorm I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and not being able to visit must make it ten times worse. We were able to take turns to be with my mum and we could see that she was comfortable and without pain. The whole thing for you is just awful on so many levels. Please know that I’m thinking about you 💐

@emmaluggs I hope you’re feeling better today. It’s strange how things just sometimes creep up on us 💐

@GinisLife @Tiktokcringeydance I certainly think that there’s some sort of grieving process when someone has declined bit by bit over a period of years. Then it all accelerates when you know that they’re at the beginning of the end. The anxiety I felt during the final week was immense and the period between her dying up until the funeral had me filled with dread - but that was more thinking I wouldn’t be able to cope rather than thinking about my mum iyswim. All the posts on here have helped me see that I’m not some sort of freak because of this calm acceptance I’m feeling just now. Thanks for your post 💐

@chocolateequinox @SionnachRua I think that’s a lovely idea. It’s still probably a bit raw for me just now, but something I could do later. I did find writing my mum’s eulogy cathartic so that might be an indication that your idea would help me. Thanks

@ZuzusPetaIs nope exactly the same here. I loved my Mum dearly but when she finally died I was pretty much fine. Sat through her memorial dry eyes. Have been pretty much fine since (6 months now). And yes it freaked me out too. I have had a handful of short spells where it hit me a bit more and I'd cry.

Mainly I feel, well, she always said she wasn't afraid to die, she loved sleeping, quiet and gardens, so now she's effectively having a very very long quiet sleep in a special garden where she'll go back to Nature and I'm at peace with that.

But I googled a bit and apparently it's a thing? Obviously people don't talk about it much - I mean let's face it we think it's weird! - but it does happen and I don't think it means you or I are bad and wrong.

I was taken aback as it wasn't my first bereavement by a long way and previously I'd grieved fairly "normally". I nearly got counselling through work as I was so baffled as to where my grief was now!

Something happened a couple of weeks ago that I would have loved to talk to her about and then I did really miss her, talking to her and hugging her and may have had a little cry then.
I was there when she died which perhaps helped. I think death is such a very basic thing it's possible to take it in at a very gut level.

It is a bit awkward when you're with someone who's grieving more conventionally and they are weeping into a hanky and you're just...sat there like a lemon.

I'm sorry for your loss. And I understand what you say. My Mum was fragile for a good while before she died. But she went from ok on Thursday to "a
She'd got 24 to 48 hours to live on Friday" ( but then she was never one to hang about when there was a job to be done).

I was ok in the weeks that folowed, as the eldest child, my attention was on my sister, daughter niece and nephew, along with the admin stuff that has to be done.

On The first anniversary of her death, I was a total wreck.

Grief can take its time, I think. I don't think your feelings are any reflection on how much you cared for her.

It is a bit awkward when you're with someone who's grieving more conventionally and they are weeping into a hanky and you're just...sat there like a lemon.

They will no doubt be the 'lemon' at other times. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are grieving in your own way. Being one way in grief now doesn't preclude it changing later, as I found out. I was too hard on myself for seeming to cope and then when it changed I was hard on myself for not coping when I thought I should as it's been 4 months now. However we grieve is fine.

@FluffyFluffyClouds Thanks for your post - it does sound that your feelings have been very similar to mine. I’m due back to work tomorrow and I’ve had messages over the weekend from people saying that they hope I’ll be able to cope...... I’m not thinking that this will be an issue at all and, if I do have a small wobble, I can just go and make a cuppa and have a short break. Maybe it makes a difference that she had a peaceful and painless death, sleeping for most of her active dying phase and also that she’d said years ago that she’d “had her life”. And it was a good life. Your comment about you being at peace with it resonates with me.

@user1471453601 I’m the eldest of her children too and have been dealing with all the arrangements. I was also her PoA and will have things to tie up there. So my attention, like yours, has been elsewhere and I think this has probably helped.

@chocolateequinox Very wise words

@ZuzusPetaIs So sorry to hear about your mum. I couldn't believe it when I found this post the other day. As soon as my mum died 10 days ago I ordered two books about the rage of grief and whatnot and hunkered down expecting to howl the year away.

I feel a bit like you. I've had a couple of cries like tides of ache breaking over me, but they haven't gone on long.

I was SHATTERED for the first week and the last two days on an upwards energy curve. I suppose it will be in waves.

You shouldnt' feel guilty (especially not with such lovely hair ). Sounds like you had a horrendous week in the run up.

My mum was bedbound for several years, extremely deaf, had HAD IT and ailed over many months. When she became low key end of life, they let us go and see her in her care home. Her active dying stage was Weds-Fri. I was with her all day the day she died and it was profound and good. I felt like a doula but for death not birth. I'm convinced it's helped me enormously to feel relatively okay. Not THAT okay. Tiny acts of kindness (letting me into traffic) or frustration (a.... special... battery being completely flat) have made me far more tearful than they would normally.

We haven't had the funeral yet. There's some kind of death cert admin mess up that means it might be a couple of weeks or more. Perhaps that's putting me in a bit of a limbo zone and the funeral coming/happening/being over will make it worse.

Can we keep posting here?

I love the post (soz not sure whose) about their mum having a long sleep in a garden. That's gorgeous.

Lol at the "special" battery @wordassociationfootball ! But TBH that side of things is really important at these times, it helps you connect with life on a fundamental level (and helps with sleep). And it's not something you feel appropriate to mention as a coping strategy when people ask how you're doing...kept me sane though.

@ZuzusPetaIs how's it been for you back at work this week?

@wordassociationfootball I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It must be terrible not being able to have the funeral yet. Your post was a few days ago, so I really hope things have moved forward a bit.

I think from what a lot of other posters have said that the way we’re feeling is fairly normal........ the “feeling guilty for not being sad all the time” thing wasn’t really all that healthy, I thought, but I was nonetheless feeling it. The posts on here (including yours) have been really helpful.

Work has been busy but I’m glad to be back. I’m still wfh so I can sit and stare out of the window or go and put a washing on if I feel I need a break. DH is also wfh and it’s been good having him around. I’ve also had a few tearful moments this week - and I’m relieved about that in a way. DH, of course, doesn’t know how to respond to this; I can feel his discomfort at his inability to help, but I’ve told him that I know he finds it difficult and that him being there is all I really need.

I feel like I’ve been working more slowly and my concentration has been rubbish, but it has improved over the week. I went out for a power walk on Monday but felt exhausted and sad during it - I think going back to exercise and work at the same time so soon after my mum’s death was just me expecting too much. I normally go out 4/5 times a week and will do one really long walk (25km) at the weekend, but doing 4.5km on Monday exhausted me. I don’t think we really appreciate the toll this takes on us, especially if we’ve been involved in the process. This is probably true for you too so, whatever your “normal” is, don’t beat yourself up if it takes you a while to get back there.

A really bizarre thing I’ve been doing is looking at all sorts of (reputable) websites to do with the dying process and also what goes on at an undertakers and the crematorium (not the actual cremation as that would be a step too far, but more what happens after the curtains close). Even writing this down here is making me feel like some sort of ghoulish freak, but I’m actually finding a lot of the info about dying/the final few hours comforting in a very strange way......... I wasn’t there when my mum died - long story, but basically it was during the night, I’d taken a sleeping tablet and didn’t hear repeated calls on my mobile as it was on a charger in the hall (and the care home didn’t have my landline). So I woke up to six missed calls and, of course, knew straight away that she’d gone. When I’d left her the previous evening, she was comfortable and her breathing and other vital signs were all normal, so the nurses that had visited her said they thought it would still be a few days. - I’m not blaming them, by the way, as I know it’s impossible to tell. Initially I had some guilt about not being there but I think I’ve come to accept it.

Anyway, this is turning into a long message so I’ll leave it there. Tomorrow DH and I are going to the care home to remove her things. DH is also going to the funeral director early next week to collect the ashes. At the moment I’m feeling ok about tomorrow - I expect some tears, but I’m fine with that.

Take care of yourself and let me know how things are going

I’m sorry about your Mam op, but I honestly wouldn’t worry about your state of mind or anything like that. My dad (50) died of a heart attack 2.8 years ago and it took me until this year to really begin processing it, my mother died last year (50, accidental overdose) and within 6 months I began to feel semi normal. My sister died about 6 weeks back (suicide) and yet I sleep at night and go to work in the day, I even laugh and have good moments with my family at home. I don’t feel guilty about not mourning her or loving her enough because I adored my sister and although it hurts like hell that she is gone I won’t allow myself to “wallow” (if you’ll pardon the expression). Somebody far wiser than me recently told me that after a bereavement you either sink or swim and I intend to swim but it’s no crime to mourn someone for however long or short a period your brain needs. Be a bit kinder to yourself

@Clevererthanyou Thank for your post, it’s really helpful. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to deal with, losing three close family all at such young ages. Your “sink or swim” comment shows your resilience even although you’ve obviously had a very tough time.

Your mother was 94 OP, you would have realised years ago she wasn’t going to live forever. It’s often a relief when very elderly people die if their quality of life has deteriorated.

I felt the same as you with my DM. I was sad but not grief stricken more relief because she had cancer and she died quiet peacefully. Though I had worried about her while she had been ill.

I still miss her eight years later and thought only yesterday I wished she was with me while I was walking along in the sunshine. I don’t think of her all the time, she just pops into my head sometimes.

I'm so sorry that your mum died OP.
We lost my MIL at the beginning of the year, she was elderly and had been ill for a good few years although she was still reasonably active and independent until the last few months of her life. When she became bed bound SIL and I dealt with her personal care between us. I spent every night sitting at the side of her bed holding her hand, and held her hand while she died.

Since that day I haven't properly cried, I've no idea why. I didn't cry at her funeral, or when i've visited her grave since, or when we started to sort out her possessions. Every now and again I'll get a huge feeling of missing her, like a sudden wave of emptiness, but no tears. I do wish I could have a good cry. If anything, I end up crying out of frustration at not being able to grieve like everyone else in the family seems to be able to. But I suppose for me, either it's already passed, as i did a lot of crying while she was in the final stages of her illness, or it's not arrived yet.

Sending you my sympathy and best wishes

Mum suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years, the last five years being spent in care as we couldn’t support her at home. The last day I visited her in the home she was asleep - I would generally wake her up but she was sleeping so peacefully I didn’t want to disturb her. As I sat with her I wished that she would stay so peaceful and never wake up. She never did, and died five days later.

I’m not much of a crier. I had a meltdown about a week after she died (mainly tormenting myself with thoughts of how I could have been a better daughter) but I didn’t cry at the funeral and have only had a few occasions of being upset since then (nearly a year ago). In my case I think it’s because due to her dementia my “proper” mum left us a long time ago, and so I’ve mourned her while she was still alive. I’m mainly angry that the disease made life so terrible for her (and us, to a much lesser extent).
Thinking of her has made me upset again, but that’s ok.

I’m so sorry your mum has died too. My wonderful mum passed 30th May & her funeral is on Tuesday. I’m struggling today. I miss her so much. I just feel so lonely. People keep telling me, ‘At least you got to see her & be with her at the end.’ But I don’t feel lucky. She was 77 & died as her leukaemia had relapsed. She was my best friend.

It's a long process. I felt similar to you but months later would still pick up the phone to call her, or see someone that looked like her and it would hit me all over again.

Mentally I felt ok and didn't even cry at her funeral (afterwards went home and watched Jaws 😐) but my heart physically ached and 13 years later I still miss her everyday. I was 29 when she died age 53.

I don't think it's the grief that is hard, its the regret about all the lost opportunities and inability to change anything. I still feel like I didn't show her I loved her enough 💔

There is no right or wrong for this and don't be made to feel like you are not grieving correctly. 💐

@Badgerstmary I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your lovely mum and I can imagine to an extent how terrible you must be feeling right now, although no one can know exactly how it is for you.

Attending the funeral of a close loved one is difficult at the best of times, but the current circumstances make it even more challenging. I was dreading my mum’s funeral - I felt sick to the stomach the night before and, as expected, I didn’t really get any sleep, so that just allowed me to fret all the more. The actual funeral was “good” (insofar as these things can be) - although only ten were allowed inside, people had come to the car park to pay their respects and support us and the crematorium gave us the opportunity of having the main doors left open during the (short) service and they also had speakers. Those who’d been outside said it was a good thing - I wasn’t sure at first, but I’m glad we agreed.

Everyone is different, but I found it helpful to ask the funeral director beforehand what would be different because of the current restrictions, basically because I didn’t want any surprises. Apart from the obvious limit to the number inside, the service was shorter than usual (about 30 mins instead of 45ish), the coffin was wheeled in so there were no pall bearers, wearing masks was optional but we took some along and asked folk to wear them, and there was no “lining up” to shake hands at the end. I’m glad I knew in advance that she wouldn’t be carried in.

I know you’ll be feeling terrible just now - it’s a normal part of the process. You may feel more anxious towards the funeral, but you will get through it with the support of your family and close friends. You’ll also probably find an inner strength that comes to most of us as these most harrowing of times.

You’re in my thought

@OffThePlanet I think you’re right re what you say about my mum being 94 and had been ill for several years with a condition that was likely to see her quality of life decline markedly at some stage. Although her dementia had progressed quite a bit, she was still very happy in herself and was very well looked after in the care home.

I purposefully didn’t do searches on what dementia was like towards the end as I didn’t really want to know (as I knew I’d just worry). Also, everyone is different and her experience may have been atypical. As it was, she got Covid and had a peaceful death, not really knowing that she was ill. Had things been different, she could have gone on to develop the very difficult symptoms of end-stage dementia (which I now know a bit about as I’ve researched and spoken with the care home staff about since). I still wish she was here, but I do think there’s a difference between losing someone who’s very elderly and has a terminal condition that could become very bad and someone who’s younger and/or dies suddenly.

So I agree with everything you’ve said and I hope you have nice memories of you mum, the sort that make you smile and be grateful for having had such a wonderful mum