Comments from friends after loss of mum

[Ampharete1999]

I lost my mum at Christmas. It was completely out of the blue - she was fit healthy and active. It’s been a huge shock and I’m struggling with the loss. Every morning I wake up and it’s the first thing I think of. If I wake in the night it’s all I think of and I can’t get back to sleep. I’m sensitive, it’s raw, but I put on a brave and positive face for my dad and my family.

I find myself getting angry with certain comments from friends. I sat by mum’s bedside for 12 hour stretches for 18 days, every day. It was harrowing but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

One friend said that mum’s death “was a kindness” given outcome if she had survived. Another friend said when her time comes she’d “like it to be quick and go that way”. And one said “at least it wasn’t long and drawn out like X’s mother with Dementia”.

I don’t know why I’m posting really but feel all this irrational anger about these comments. Just need to get it off my chest.

My grief is private. I don’t broadcast it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. I find such comments really unhelpful. Watching mum deteriorate was not a kindness to mum. Telling me it’s not as bad as Dementia feels like it’s diminishing the loss. Telling me they’d like to go that way particularly took my breath away... it was an awful way to go. Incidentally these comments were from friends who still have both parents. They mean well but I’m not sure they’re fully aware of the pain, the immediate and ongoing pain and loss.

On a positive note it has made me more keenly aware of responding to others who have lost a loved one. I don’t want to take this up with friends as I know they mean well, but just need to offload this somewhere... here. Thank you for reading xx

Awwww op, I really feel you. Losing someone suddenly is by far the worst thing, when there's a long drawn out illness you kind of grieve before they have gone if you know what I mean.

Your friends don't mean to be insensitive, as you say they've not experienced losing a parent. Both my parents are still alive but my oldest friend lost her mum suddenly and my god, it's not something I'd wish on anybody,

I’m very sorry for your loss ☹️. It’s must have been a very very tough heartbreaking experience.
My brother and I have talked about losing our parents a lot, It’s the biggest thing that has ever happened in our lives. I’m sure your friends don’t mean to be insensitive, it’s really hard to know what to say at times like this.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer in her liver, and she died a week later when her organs failed. I was with my brother and dad when she died. It was the worst experience of my life, I remember it vividly (2015).
We also lost our dad (at 86 in 2018), he had a stroke, was very poorly and was in a nursing home until he died 6 months later. He had to be fed, was doubly incontinent and couldn’t speak more than the odd word that came out wrong. It was mortifying to see my strong dad in such a sad situation. My brother and I wished the stroke had taken him out straight away rather than what went happened, we knew he’d have been mortified if he’d have known. The care home also had dementia patients, and that really opened my eyes to what some families have to go through with their loved ones, and has made me far more sensitive about ageing.
I don’t think people really “get” something as life changing as losing a parent until it happens to them, but even then, people have different ways of dealing with these situations. Your friends, whilst what they are saying might be true in their opinion, they’ve poorly gauged how these comments will land on you, I am sure they think they’re trying to help. I would have just said that comments like that are not helping you right now. It’s ok to say that, I’m sure they’d understand that.
I do actually agree some of what they’ve said based on what I’ve been through, but I don’t think any way of dying “is better” than another, either for the person or the family. Each has pros and cons. I’m lucky to have a great husband who is a medic and has dealt with people he cares about dying both in his personal and professional life. I have talked to him and my brother a lot, and this has really helped me get some of my grief out of my system. My brother is still having counselling. The pain doesn’t go away, but it doesn’t hurt as much. We’ve also tried to focus on positive things, like photographs, and growing their plants in our garden, which keeps my happy memories going as they’re beautiful everyday.

Sorry that this is a bit long, but I really wanted to comment as it is an area very close to my heart. People don’t really talk about death, so people don’t really know what to say. We seem to all have to learn the hard way. Please try not to take what they’ve said to heart,

Big hugs, and my thoughts are with you 💐

I have been the insensitive friend and I have been you!
I think it's OK to gently say, "You might think that perhaps but from my experience it hurts so very much that considering hat it might have been differently dreadful doesn't seem to help"

So sorry for your loss OP.
What they said was insensitive, people can say really daft things through desperately trying to think of the right thing.
It's really not so long ago that it happened so not surprising that it's still feeling raw. Hug to you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and thank you to @onedayatatime43 for sharing all that. I don’t know why I feel so angry - well I do really, it must be a stage of grief.

Mum was on end of life care for a week. It was deeply harrowing and traumatic and obviously the worst experiemce of my life. Not only because I was losing my mum, but seeing her suffer and being unable to protect my dad and sister from their suffering too. Let alone the grandchildren. It was a nightmare that I just wanted to escape from.

Maybe that’s why I’m angry - to have experienced something so harrowing and then to have comments such as “it was a kindness” or “at least it wasn’t dementia” or they would want to go that way. It shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy and what happened. But I know that’s because, thankfully, they haven’t experienced it. And I know their intentions are good and they care. But those kind of comments make me feel physically sick - they take my breath away. But I don’t say anything as I know they’re well-intentioned.

I don’t know why I’m saying all this really here. I thought I had things all held together.. perhaps not. But thank you xx

People wishing me happy birthday on Facebook at the time just made me crazy angry, I mean, how could they not know?!! But of course they couldn’t, as we hadn’t told anyone what was happening.
I think how you feel is pretty normal to be honest 😢.

Yes people do say shit things when you're bereaved. It does come from a place of kindness because they are desperately trying to make you feel better. But those grieving know they'll not feel 'better' but just be trying to live to with the loss.

I remember about three weeks after my dad suddenly died, in conversation with my neighbour I became tearful and she piped up the awful 'try not to be upset, your dad wouldn't have wanted that'. I really could have thumped her. Her parents were both alive and well (and older than mine). At the time I thought; wait until you're in my shoes. Unfortunately for her, that happened a couple of years later. I bet she would be mortified if I repeated what she had said to me.

So yes it's ok to feel annoyed with friends. But in my experience they really mean well. The best people are the ones who say little and just listen, in my experience.

Be prepared for the anger to last for quite a while.
It's nearly 3 years since my Mum died, after a month in hospital where she suddenly turned from a strong person to a frail little old lady (the consultant from one of the outpatient clinics honestly didn't recognise her, she'd gone downhill so quickly)
I spent so long afterwards biting my tongue and seething inside due to comments from some of her friends along the lines of "well, she'd been poorly for a while" - she hadn't,

I'm still quite angry and actively avoid interacting with some people even now

Before this, I naively thought there would be a "good" death for some people, but I hadn't yet figured out whether that was a quick death with little warning but also little suffering or whether a "good" death would be the merciful release at the end of a long period of suffering.
I now think that there is no such thing as a "good" death, both are just so hard.....

It's a tough time, just deal with it in your own way and don't let anyone tell you what to think or how to behave - or worse - how to feel.
You'll find your way through it
Take care and I'm sorry you lost your mum x

I’m afraid that some people often just have no idea what hell us humans sometimes have to go through .... no idea at all. You can’t explain it to them. We would be the same if we had been lucky enough to be untouched.

You may well have a degree of post-traumatic stress - I know I did after my Dad’s harrowing last couple of weeks. Like you I woke in the night and early in the morning, lots of intrusive distressing thoughts about his last few days/weeks. I felt like I was going to go crazy. Two months on and that element has faded, thankfully. And I’m beginning to be able to remember my Dad in much happier times.
You’ve been through an awful terrible experience, but a lot of people won’t get that, despite their good intentions.

OP I am so sorry about your mum
I had ONE person say to me “it must have been a bit of a relief” after my dad (a horrific event sounding similar and it has completely destroyed me)
I am afraid I lost it and screamed “how could you say that to me?“ Repeatedly. Before collapsing in a heap sobbing trying to explain I would give anything to have him back no matter what.
Maybe my reaction to that stoped anyone else saying the same - it was a bit public at work.
But I wanted to say I still think that, and I am sorry that people are saying it to you, I think people genuinely do not understand and are trying to be kind, but it does not feel like it when you are on the receiving end.
I am so sorry OP

I read this sort of complaint fairly regularly in newspapers & magazines etc, and I do think it’s a bit unfair. People don’t know what to say. They don’t mean to be inept. At least they’re not avoiding you (which is apparently very common, probably because people are terrified of saying the ‘wrong’ thing).

I have list my dad to a short illness and my mother to a long one.
To be honest, when my dad died I couldn't tell you what people said to me, I was in my own world with a 3 month old baby and had been suffering from depression too.
With my mother I watched her die by degrees and because she was emotionally absent for most of my life I was happy when she died. I have lost touch with most family members because I chose not to go to her funeral.
The only statement that annoyed me was "but she's your mother"

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum suddenly and sat at her bedside (for us it was 17 days). It has been almost 11 years now. The grief in the following months and years of losing mum was so raw and I was internally annoyed with pretty much everything my well meaning friends said. My saviour was grief counselling. I had six sessions where I would talk to this lovely lady, cry hysterically and go home and cry some more. By the end of the six weeks I was less angry and able to process the situation a little bit better. I know counselling isn't everyone's cup of tea but I really would say give it a go. There will come a day where your friends' words will comfort you and you won't feel annoyed with them anymore. What you're feeling now though is very natural so please don't be hard on yourself, anger is just one of the many emotions I experienced. Take care

Gently, tell them that the comments aren't helpful, they might be clueless as to what to say having not lost a parent themselves.

My dad died when I was 9 so grief is something I ve unfortunately dealt with it most of my life as I ve lost many other people since then. Especially as I was a child no one knew what to say to me,but now I m comfortable in saying what I might find helpful when someone dies and I find people don't know that something offering practical support or just saying I know you re in pain to you is better than comments aren't very logical but unfortunately not many people learn that without it happening to them or them dealing with it themselves.

I have posted about this before as I lost a baby (in very sad circumstances) and many of the responses from people my own age were just dreadful... in contrast I had the most wonderful letters and cards from much older people (including neighbours of elderly relatives who I had never met) who knew what to say and how.

I realise that so many people have not actually experienced loss yet that they don't know what to say, how to behave.

I'm sorry you are hurting. It's really hard. Both my parents have died in the last few years. People do say some pretty stupid things at times, and it can be a struggle to remember that they "mean well". I remember two particularly from the funeral: "you mustn't blame yourself" (Errrr, I wasn't, but now you've made me feel like I should...) and "At least he's with your mother now" when it was very clear from the service that we are a family of atheists. Oh and comments about it all being part of the "natural order of things" and how it is right for parents to die before children. When the person knew nothing about the nature of the death, their relatively young age - and in fact my grandmother outlived both my parents!!!!

However the only person I actually had to cut off contact with for a while just forgot, repeatedly, about the deaths. That was worse than anything. Even that person I have started talking to again now, but will always keep them at arms length.

I think people find it really really difficult. I used to be so afraid of other people's pain and not knowing what to say that I avoided it. Awful behaviour in some ways, but I'm not sure it really made me a bad person. Just a rather useless one! I'm very different now. At least I can put my experience to some use.

I recommend this book, both to people who have lost someone close to them but also to friends who want to help. It's especially aimed at situations when the death is particularly unexpected due to the nature of the death or the youth/health of the deceased, but could help in other situations too:

It's OK not to be OK by Megan Devine.

Also meant to say, I think it would more than reasonable - and perhaps a great service - to tell someone "I'm sorry but I don't find that helpful right now". But I was never that brave.

I get it op. We had 13 days in a hospice for end of life care for my dad. It is harrowing indeed.

I had some counselling afterwards and remember saying to my therapist that it felt like a double whammy - dealing with the horror of dad’s illness AND the heartbreak of him dying - two big things to deal with separately even if they were so closely connected.

It’s very early days and I do think there could be an element of your anger, as a natural stage of grief, being directed at your friends’ comments. There is no good way to die, it’s shit if it’s quick and sudden, and shit if it’s drawn out.

But if they haven’t lost anyone they really won’t get it. It’s like talking about the exhaustion that comes with a newborn to people who don’t have children.

The other thing I would say, and as you point out, grief is very individual. Really no one can say the right thing, nothing makes it easier or better because it’s so specific to you at any given moment. A close friend lost her mum not long after my dad died. We’ve since talked about how we couldn’t “reach” each other properly when we were both deep in our grief. Yes it was a shared experience in one sense, but so so individual we could barely empathize with each other.

Sorry for your loss op

My DM was killed suddenly in a car accident aged 69. There one minute, then gone. No chance to say goodbye. My DF died aged 54, slowly deteriorating after a long illness. I honestly don't compare, both were shit tbh.
I still feel angry three years on. Unreasonably so at PIL who just rattle on and on in their 80's with no appreciation of what they have, making banal comments. I realise that's my issue not theirs, and focus on making every day count.
Sorry for your loss.