Do I have PTSD? Possibly upsetting content.

[PainfulMemory]

Three months ago I was chatting with my dad when he suddenly had a dizzy spell and dropped to the floor unconscious. His heart had stopped and he was giving these dreadful loud snoring gasps.

I had to do CPR and felt his ribs break under my hands.

Sadly there was nothing could be done to save him and he was pronounced dead 40 minutes later.

I keep 'seeing' it all happen over and over again in my head, in vivid excruciating detail. The colour of his skin, the sounds he made, the way his eyes were looking at me but 'he' wasn't there any more, the soft crunch of his ribs.

I dream about trying to save him, I wish I'd spotted the signs he was ill.

I seem to be getting worse as time goes on, not better. I frequently break down in tears and hyperventilate. When the memories strike I feel like I'm there again and don't know what to do with myself.

Sometimes a noise or smell or anything really can trigger it.

My family think I have PTSD and should seek help but I'm already on antidepressants for many years so if they aren't helping then I'm not sure anything will.

Thank you for any advice you can give me; I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I’m so sorry this happened. I agree that it does sound like PTSD. EMDR can be really effective for some so that’s worth investigating, along with bereavement counselling.

Sending lots of to you

Sounds like it. "The body keeps the score" is a very accessible account of how the brain deals with trauma and treating the aftereffects (it's solid science, not "woo" despite the name).

My aunt had issues after my uncle died in a way that sadly was very distressing to witness, and she (much to her surprise as she was a very down to earth pensioner) was helped a lot by EFT (it was before EMDR gained ground and there was some overlap in techniques I think - nowadays she would have been treated with EMDR I expect).

Only a trained professional can diagnose PTSD. When I lost my child last year, it was an utter tragedy and total shock and we tried CPR etc to no avail, I thought the hideous images of what I had witnessed would never leave me. And they probably won’t, but as time has passed I can distract them myself from thinking about them. At the time like you I was concerned about PTSD but my counsellor said it probably wasn’t PTSD. She explained it to me as this; the brain has different parts to it for different things. If you have a good day the brain knows to file the memory in the “good memory” part of the brain. If you have a bad day it knows to park the memory in the “bad memory” part of the brain. If you have a terrible, hideous memory the brain has no where to put that memory so it stays trapped at the front of the brain until the brain has found somewhere to put it. This means it’s at the forefront of your mind at the moment in the immediate aftermath.
I don’t know if there’s any truth to it but I think it helped me make sense of what was going on in my brain, and whilst I will never forget what I saw I can choose, a year later, not to dwell on that awful, awful memory. Hope that helps.

Thank you for your kind replies; I really appreciate it.

Yes. It's called traumatic bereavement. I replayed finding my DH dying on the bedroom floor for months. The sounds. The looks. It is horrible and I can't say it will go away, but it is entirely normal.

Find your moment and seek help then.

Be wary of EMDR. Google it as EMDR debunked.

@echt Thank you, and my sincere condolences for what you've suffered. Same to @DevastatedandDistraught.

EMDR is the most incredible tool for this, however I'm not sure when therapists can do face to face sessions due to the pandemic. But I would still message them to get on their list.
EMDR changed my life when nothing else had helped

Dear God you have my sympathy. I am close to my father and cannot imagine the pain and distress you went through. I am so sorry I cannot say anything that will help give you peace. Big hugs.

OP I'm so, so sorry for your loss in such awful circumstances. My own DF died suddenly in January in a very similar way, but my DM was with him and attempted CPR until the ambulance came but there was never any hope.

DM has experienced flashbacks and obsessive thoughts since, along with crushing guilt about not being able to save him. It's heartbreaking.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after an incident 12 years ago and it was an awful time - eventually specialised counseling made all the difference to me. But my symptoms were very similar to those my DM has suffered - especially the constant, furious rage.

She has medication now and is feeling somewhat better, but is not ready to try counselling yet. The GP said it sounds like PTSD and referred her for treatment - but the provider said it was far too early for any form of treatment for PTSD. As far as I understand it, 'traumatic bereavement' is a specific thing. Cruise has a page about it on their website if you want to take a look. After a certain amount of time if the symptoms are the same then it sort of becomes PTSD and will be treated as such, but for the first 6 months it's normal to experience these feelings after suffering a traumatic bereavement.

Please reach out for support from your GP and possibly Cruise or a similar organisation. There are specific meds for PTSD, not all anti-depressants are helpful so please don't let that put you off. Please talk to someone in real life about it - it's bad enough trying to cope with grief anyway, without all the trauma making it worse.

One of the things that upset DM the most was that she couldn't remember any happy times with DF - her brain would only see him dying on the floor and couldn't move past that image. With appropriate medication she feels like she is slowly able to move along a more 'typical' path of grieving. Sending you huge hugs - please know you're not alone in this

Oh @PainfulMemory what a truly awful thing to have happened

I haven’t experienced anything near as terrible as this nor do I have any medical knowledge, but I really think you should speak with your GP. At the moment, this may be by telephone, although I think some surgeries are seeing people face to face. It may even help to write all your thoughts down and email the surgery in advance of the appointment so that the GP can make the most of the time available. S/he may then refer you on to the most appropriate type of counselling. You could also contact one of the many bereavement support agencies if you think you’d respond well to this.

I think, though, that you need to do something as you’ve had a very traumatic experience and suffered a great and unexpected loss. I hope you’re able to find the help you need