I shouldn't feel upset but I do

[moolady1977]

So I received a phone call tonight from my uncle ( my biological fathers brother) to tell me that my nannan (his mum) has been taken into a hospice tonight she has cancer in her spine and can't control the pain and it's just a matter of time,. This a a woman who hasn't been a very good nannan to me and last time I was in touch with her said that I only contacted her when I wanted something . I know it's only time until she passes away and I know I won't be welcome at the funeral but I can't understand why I feel so upset over it when in all honesty I've only every really known her for a very short period of time

It's pretty common to be upset when someone you had a "complicated relationship" with dies. People say it's that you're mourning the relationship you didn't have with them, and the fact that now there's no chance for things to change. I think there's a good bit of truth in that.

I lost my Dad recently and though it wasn't anything like as bad as your situation, we were on reasonably good terms, it wasn't the close loving relationship I would have liked. I am definitely finding it harder to deal with than other bereavements where the relationship was warm and straightforward.

Probably if you look into her own history and childhood you'll find tough times that explain why she wasn't very nice. It doesn't change how people act but seeing the bigger picture makes it easier to get your head round it all, I found.

I think you absolutely are entitled to grieve, I think to be honest the loss of someone where you had a complicated or not good relationship can be much harder to deal with than where it was an unconditionally loving/positive relationship. Not saying one is 'worse' than the other but where it's someone you loved and miss a lot it's a more straight-forward intensely sad feeling, and when that passes you can look back at happy memories etc, whereas where you maybe didn't have a good relationship with that person, or they treated you badly, the feelings of sadness that they are gone is all mixed up with anger at how they treated you/others, and disappointment that now they are gone you will never have the chance to improve the relationship or go back in time and have things be different. The person's death can stir up a lot of feelings you may have thought were 'behind you' about what happened in the past. You may feel guilty about still having mixed or negative feelings about someone who is suffering or gone (as traditionally all that is forgotten after they die and you are meant to only talk/think about them in positive terms but obviously your memories/feelings are still there) and also if you were not on good terms with the person you may not feel able or entitled to participate in normal 'grief' rituals like the funeral as you mention.

I'd be kind to yourself, you feel the way you feel and no-one is entitled to tell you you should or shouldn't feel a certain way. Be aware as well your emotions may be all over the place, you might feel different one day to the next and this is very normal. Have you got people around you to support you? Would you consider/are you allowed to visit her in the hospice? What do you feel about that?

@maxelly I only have my partner I can talk as my children only met her a handful of times and don't really remember her apart from my eldest who asked if she was the one who bought them a selection box the year she bought their cousin an Xbox . I can't go to the hospice as I'm not even meant to know she was ill and I don't think I'll be welcome at the funeral either , @User783993900 she didn't have a good life her husband my grandad was nasty and pretty handy with his fists towards her and 4 of his 6 children ,I was their first grandchild but was always overlooked for my uncles son (both seen as golden children) .