2 deaths within a year

[crossroads1]

last weekend my grandmother passed away. It was unexpected and although she was elderly it has hit us hard. My mother was extremely close to her. Last year we also lost my dad. So this is 2 deaths within a year.

I have been having a lot of guilt over my dads death, which I previously hadn't felt. we brought him home as there was nothing the hospital could do anymore. The nurse came to put him on a stream of medication and said it would take around 24 hours to feel comfortable and he may pass within a few days. That night I stayed up with him till 3am but then went to sleep in my room. We were all so exhausted as he was in hospital for 2 weeks and we were all staying over to be by his side. But in the few hours that myself and my mother were asleep he passed away.

my mum and I both keep saying we wish we hadn't gone to sleep that night and wanted to be by his side when he passed. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, I should have stayed with him, I regret it so much.

now my grandma has gone too and the last time I saw her was before the lockdown. my mum visited her every week but me less as I work full time in the week. What is the point of life? I don't have a core friends circle and seeing ppl so close to me pass just makes me think is this it? We work, have a holiday here and there, get married, have kids and basically just wait till we die?

Im struggling to be content because is this how it all ends. All the ppl left behind feeling guilty?

Me and mum have a great relationship but I can't help imagine that when she goes this whole vicious circle will start again. Am I normal to think this way? I've done counselling and speak a lot to my fiancé about this but is this just all life is??

Hi Crossroads,

I know how you are feeling, my mum died on the 31/1/20 and my gran 10 weeks later. When you loose the people you are closest too it really does make you question life and its meaning.

Guilt is a normal part of grief, but think about it this way, maybe your dad waited until you and your mum were asleep to go, he knew you were there but didnt want to cause you any distress. I truly believe people choose how to die just as they chose how to live.

When my mum passed, she was on very high doses of painkillers and had been out of it for nearly 24 hours, we asked her to let us know when she was going, which yes sounded crazy even to us. A few minutes before she died she opened her eyes, told us her dad was here and that she was going now, and then she went.

Take some time to process everything you have been through and try to let go of the guilt, you cant change what happened but you can chose how to deal with it.

Hope you are ok x

Hi Crossroads,
We work
yep
have a holiday here and there
Yep
get married, have kids
quite often yep
and basically just wait till we die
Well I'm not sure 'wait till we die' is the best way of describing all the experiences that life has to offer (hugs).
I lost both parents this year, but that doesn't mean their lives were pointless. They both changed the world around them in so many ways, big and small, and they won't be forgotten quickly. Eventually, yes, but at that point people will still remember someone who did remember them.

Death is a part of life, not the other way around, and it's only one part. It doesn't negate the life lived beforehand.

Your poor Dad must have been so unwell in his last days, but he got to go home and go to sleep in his own bed. You and your Mum did well to achieve that. Please don't feel bad that you were asleep when he passed on. It was after 3am and unless you know different, your Dad was most likely asleep too and just slipped away.

@crossroads1 sorry for your losses 💐

Please don’t feel guilty about your Dads passing, it is really common for people to go like this.

I have lost both my parents with 18 months of each other, one from cancer and one completely unexpected. It is utterly life changing as I am only 30.

@User002819532425 thank you for this, I have found this helpful to read x

Hi @User002819532425 and @Glitterb

Thank you I know this is probably a period of depression. My dad was so ill from cancer and the last few days he was really struggling. It breaks my heart whenever I think of how he was breathing or getting so agitated. I feel I should have been by his side like he would have done for me.

Now my grandma is gone who supported my mum a lot. I feel I have to look after mum more now than ever even though I’m still grieving too.

@Glitterb I am sorry for that happening.. my heart really goes out to you. My dad has been gone 11 months he had cancer for 2 years I was 30 at the time too and he was in his late 60s. Sometimes life seems so cruel. It is making me wonder what is the point this all? Especially with COVID where everyday is Groundhog Day.. I love spending time with mum but she is getting older too and I worry that time is being wasted. It’s so frustrating not being able to do anything and I’m feeling so disheartened with it all right now

Hi @Hrcg87 I am so sorry for your losses too. You seem so brave. I’ve been feeling quite let down with ppl too - so called friends who can’t understand the depth of losing someone you love. I know death is a part of life but it seems I’m struggling more the second time around where I have to do this all over again.

My dad was heavily sedated and stopped eating. Thinking back to that time breaks my heart.. why do we have to experience such sadness only for it to happen again so quickly afterwards. And family members arguing I just want to run away from this all.

Hi Crossroads1

Im really sorry your struggling, my doctor called our type of grief “complicated grief” its when you lose to much in too short a space of time to allow you to recover from the first grief.

Im not brave sometimes its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, but my mantra is you have to live the life the people we have lost would have wanted you to live.

My counsellor gave me some great advice when dealing with stress caused by others “if its not a matter of life or death, f it off and dont worry about it!”

I dont know what type of counselling you have had but im mixing solutions focused with bereavement and it seems to work wonders for me, so may be worth a try.

Always here if you need a chat, your not alone in the running away thoughts ive had them too, but wherever you run it will still hurt the same, so maybe best to call the GP and ask for some more help?

Hi @hrcg87

You seem quite brave to me especially as your mum passed only this year. You should be really proud.. how old was your mother if you don’t mind me asking and what was the cause of death.. did she have cancer? It’s so horrible to see someone pass away and detoriate in front of your eyes.

It doesn’t help when I’m seeing the true colours of some of my family members. It’s a hard place to be in and I can’t see my fiancé either to even have a hug. COVID is making my anxiety worse I feel quite trapped.. even taking my dog for a walk around the block makes me nervous. I still live in my childhood house with my mum and I feel like everyone has moved on but me , everyone is gone that I used to know and it feels awful

Hi,

Im 32, my mum was 58 she had had a rare type of ovarian cancer for 10years and was doing really well. She went for a routine scan on the 24th Jan and the cancer had spread, her kidneys stopped working and she never came home again. She passed away on the 31st Jan. it was awful seeing her deteriorate so suddenly in such a short space of time, we had been to a restaurant on the 24th Jan so it was such a shock.

Lockdown os awful i totally agree and doesnt help when you are already feeling on edge.

My dads not coped well since loosing my mum so we have moved back in with him, so i feel like im going backwards. X

I'm sorry for your losses.

Some people wait to be alone to die. If you were there the whole time and they died when you just was away then it was deliberate. Dying people have some influence on their time of death. Some wait till a special someone has arrived, some wait till you're gone. Every person who works/ worked with terminally ill people can tell you this, it's very well known. It doesn't matter if they're conscious or not, they feel it somehow (in both cases). So you have no need to feel guilty, your dad got the time of death he preferred. He chose to let go when he was alone.

Hi @Hrcg87 I’m so sorry to hear this. Cancer is one of the most awful diseases I’ve ever encountered. 10 years is a long time and your mum sounds like an amazing woman. Your dad will find it hard - as is my mum - was it your mother’s mum or fathers mum that passed away shortly after your mum did?

Talking does help and feeling on edge - I can’t really describe why I feel the anxiety sometimes it just creeps out of nowhere when I’m walking my dog. It’s like my brain says ‘you’re a loser still living with your mother at nearly 32 in the same house you were born’.

It’s worse when I come home because I’m constantly checking on my mum to make sure she’s ok. COVID is making me feel really trapped.

We have a similar story in regards to our age and losing ppl in a short amount of time. I thought my grief was getting better but it just comes in waves. It’s my dads death anniversary coming up soon too and I just can’t focus on anything.

Take care of yourself and your dad. Our parents do so much for us (in some cases) and now I feel we need to look after them. X

Hi @walkingchuckydoll I’ve heard from a lot of ppl that terminally ill ppl slip away when their loved ones simply make a phone call or pop to the bathroom. It’s just knowing you’ll never see that person again and that life has just come and gone. It’s something I’m trying to come to terms with but finding it tough. It’s getting tougher as more time goes on

I'm so sorry for both of your losses OP. I've been there too and lost my dad and then my grandad within a year of each other. It's gut wrenching - just as you feel you are getting back on track it all opens up again and you're back to square one. Please don't feel guilty about not being present when your dad died, some people believe that loved ones wait until they are on their own to die, and I'm very sure he wouldn't have begrudged you some rest!! Keep going one day at a time, and it will slowly get easier. Be kind to yourself

I think guilt goes with bereavement. Everyone seems to feel guilty about some aspect of their loved ones life or care. I suppose it's because none of us are perfect. And even at the end of life, life still isnt perfect either. But because we know our time with that person is limited we so want those last days to be perfect and feel guilty when they are not.

I think it's helpful to try to set the last days against the lifetime 6love and care for your loved ones. Would they be condemning you?

Also accept your feelings whatever they are as the workings out of your grief. You won't always feel like this but you do have to go through it to be able to progress through grief.

My wife was beside her dad's bedside for 7 hours, she then popped out for 5 minutes to speak to a carer and in those 5 minutes he had died. It was as if he was waiting for her to leave so he could die. I hear this is quite common.

My last remaining grandparent, my GM died and then six months later my last remaining parent my DM was killed in a car accident. I hadn't seen her for two weeks because of holidays. I never got to say goodbye. She was 69. My DF had already died at 54 some years earlier. I hadn't seen him for two weeks beforehand either.
These experiences have taught me to be grateful for every day. Life's too short to feel guilty.