Dreading my birthday so soon after my mum dying.

[Rainallnight]

It’s my birthday at the weekend. I’m absolutely dreading it. I’m normally very, very into my birthday and would be happy to celebrate, even in lockdown. But I’m devastated that my mum died last month and won’t be around for a phone call or anything.

My dad died 18 months ago, so he’s not around either.

DP is trying hard, in a slightly ham fisted way, to organise some fun things and I don’t want to be a cow about it. I’m just worried I’ll explode in a ball of grief and rage on the day.

Help!

Oh bless you. I am so sorry to hear about your losses.

You are grieving for both parents: you are allowed to feel differently this year. Talk to your husband. Tell him that the idea of your birthday coming up is making you miss your mum even more.

Can you make the day, in par,t a celebration of her too? It's a celebration of the day she gave birth to you, a celebration of the person she made you. Can you think about what you would like to do that day, and tell him? How about planning a walk somewhere lovely that you know your mum would have liked? A special place that she enjoyed too? Or getting her favourite film to watch and planning to have her favourite snacks or meal? The things that she gave you - her values, her favourite music, her favourite food or activities are all part of who you are too, and so could be her gift to you on your birthday too.

But it's your birthday. If that doesn't appeal, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything. You can tell your dh that you would like to postpone your birthday this year, and celebrate it later on. That's OK too.

Have a talk to your DP now and ask to have all the fun things for an "official birthday" in say six months time. Tell him that you do appreciate his efforts and that's why you're asking because right now you're quite likely to not cope.

Then suggest something like a quiet takeaway/movie at home together, perhaps an evening in the garden with a little wine and just the two of you.

I get it, I had someone I knew die a couple of months before a big birthday and I was really not up to anything but the smallest and gentlest of outings.

In sorry for your loss OP. You must be feeling so many emotions right now. I was going to suggest some of the suggestions offered up above but as they are already there I just wanted to wish you well.

My lovely Dad died 3 days before my birthday and it overshadowed my day every year because I was always so upset. In the last couple of years I celebrate on a different day. I just told everyone why and picked a day a few weeks later. It works for me. Sorry for your loss

I am so sorry Op. I had first birthday with my mum in April, she died fairly suddenly about 5 months before, it surprised me how upset I was. Just try to be kind to yourself and do whatever you want to mark the day, or completely forget about it this year - it's really up to you xx

Op it's ok to feel this way. My dad died in the early hours the day after his birthday though to complicate things it was his birthday when I got the email to tell me he'd died. its normal for bereavement to make birthdays hard. I hope the day was better than you thought