Came to bed for an early night but just been lying here crying for 2 hours instead

[Comps83]

Don't know why I'm writing this
Started off by getting pissed off that probate is nowhere near sorted and feel awkward chasing it due to current situation
Led on to all sorts of other thoughts
I do this most nights . I usually go to bed before DH but I don't want to talk to him about this anyway
I hate the fact that she was buried instead of cremated and that sets me off most nights I've just been thinking that she didn't like me very much , remembering when she told me she wished I hadn't been born
I don't have any nice memories they're all shit
I think everyone just thinks I should be over it by now , we didn't get on so why should I be bothered?
I think the fact that she died a week after my baby was born makes it so much worse . I keep wondering about how she felt when I was born etc
I can't sleep I've really wound myself up tonight

Be kind to yourself, just because someone has passed away does not mean we cant acknowledge that they didn't treat us well.
Coupled by the fact you have just had your own baby which naturally would have been a point when you questioned your relationship with your own mother..
Grief is not a one size fits all. take it at your pace . Don't worry about what others think ! its your journey.
Sorry for your loss.

i'm sorry for your loss. it doesn't matter the relationship you had, you are allowed to grieve, you need to grieve. i remember my dads passing & feeling similar to yourself, my dad wasn't a nice person, complicated relationships cause complicated grief, i think as my dad was a git to me others thought i shouldn't be mourning him, it's not about them & what they want, put yourself & your feelings first, you matter, feel what you need to & go easy on yourself, take care

I also sorry for your loss OP. Of course you are grieving - even though your relationship wasn't good. Perhaps in a way, the grief is finally accepting that the bad memories will not be supplanted with good ones. It is a final loss of what could have been as well as what was....?

And with a new baby (congratulations!) you must be so exhausted and everything is extra raw....

Am sending hugs.

@Comps83

Don’t be so hard on yourself (easier said than done!) you must be exhausted with having a new baby and having had a bereavement as well. There is no ‘textbook’ way to feel at this stage and is this current climate, I am in the same boat regarding probate and I have been told to expect this to go on months. It is incredibly frustrating and feels never ending!

Like PP said, take some time out for yourself and if you want to cry then cry. Don’t lock yourself away to be sad though, life does go on no matter how it feels at the moment 💐

Sorry for your loss.
Having a newborn and grieving is just horrible.
I can remember taking down the sympathy cards and replacing them with congratulations on the birth of your baby cards it was surreal.
I spent a lot of time in my bed with the duvet over my head crying.
Everyone deals with grief in their own way.
Take care of yourself.

Thanks
It's been 4 months so it's not that recent
It's the nhs that I need to chase for info for the probate so that feels really awkward at the moment but I keep going through fits of getting really annoyed as this should have sorted before the virus got here. The turn around where I work for death in service payment is a week at most, it's not even the money I'm desperate for it's just the amount so I can finally send off the forms
I think I'm actually quite angry a lot of the time rather than sad .
Lockdown doesn't help

@Comps83 yes I agree it’s incredibly frustrating that everything is taking a hell of a lot longer. I have only just received the official letter from the mortgage company is order for the solicitor to send the probate forms off, we are now looking at another 8 week wait for anything to come back. It feels like I have spent weeks on the phone!

4 months is not a lot time in the grief process, be kind to yourself.