Supporting DH through his grief

[TwinklyLightsForXmas]

We lost my MIL three weeks ago. Her health had been declining for the last few years and the last 6 months involved a number of emergency operations, all of which she survived against the odds. But we knew the long term prognosis wasn't good and sadly she contracted COVID-19 and died 4 days later. My DH was able to prepare himself for this to an extent over the last 6 months (his words) but he is heartbroken at her loss. He's been very snappy since she died, at both me and our DD. I know this is probably one of the ways his grief is manifesting itself so I'm trying to comfort DD when this happens and not take it personally as well. We're both trying to juggle home working in busy jobs as well as home schooling which probably isn't helping our stress levels. I want to be able to support him as much as I can so any tips would be helpful. I've suggested a counsellor as he can access this through my employer but maybe it's too soon. Anything you can suggest would be much appreciated as I feel very helpless.

Hi Twinkly
I can't offer you any advice but I came to this board today because I'm in the same situation as you, only MIL passed away in December. DH has been snappy and irritable on and off since then. He upsets our children by telling them off harshly for little things and then gets even crosser at them for being upset. I try to intervene but I he has lost his temper with me for siding with the children and shouted at me

Sorry posted too soon....

He has shouted at me like no one ever has before and then has only apologised days later when I've still been visibly upset.

I really want to know how to support him whilst letting my children know that it's unacceptable to treat other people like that.

It's hard but I appreciate that it must be even harder for him.

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't have any advice to offer but can just send some virtual support and hugs. What you describe is very similar to my situation, getting cross at small things that he usually brushes off. Will keep my fingers crossed that it improves for you and someone comes along with some advice for both of us xx

Hi there,

I’m really sorry to read about the loss of your mother in law. My dad passed away in January so my husband is feeling the brunt of this extremely difficult time. It’s been just over 3 months now and although everyday is still hard, it is getting slightly easier in terms of functioning on the day to day stuff. I’m mostly quite a chilled person but I have noticed that my fuse is a lot shorter these days, I think it’s because my thoughts are mostly consumed with what has happened with my dad and I don’t have room for a lot more else. I’m a lot more snappy and irrational than usual but luckily I think he understands not to take it personally and this side to me is luckily easing off. I hope this brings a slight bit of comfort to you. I have to be in the right head space to talk about things so my husband quite often just asks randomly if I want to talk about anything, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I’ve found going for a walk on my own without husband and 3 year old has also helped just to clear my thoughts. I’ve also thought about some sort of counselling but I think I’m going to wait abit until life is a little back to normal as I want to make sure it’s the right time for me. I’ve found reading forums and listening to podcasts have helped a little as you realise you’re not in your own.

I hope this helps slightly in some way and my thoughts are with you and your family. It’s such a hard time right now and especially under these circumstances x

This helped me a lot, hope it can be of help to you & your family too - whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

Things you can do:

1. Make as many decisions for him as possible. Making decisions when grieving is near impossible and people asking meaningless questions is almost physically painful.
2. Give him peace and quiet. Your body is already overloaded with signals, it can't cope with any more input.
3. When you have some alone time, ask him how he's doing, and how he's processing the death. Encourage him to talk if he'd like to.
4. Tell him you love him, you understand he's under more pressure than one human being can cope with. That you're proud of him for carrying on and that you understand him being grumpy every now and then and don't mind.