Attending my Dad’s Funeral

[serene12]

My elderly dad passed away yesterday at home with family & carers looking after him. He’d become very frail and had been in hospital for a couple of weeks.
My dilemma is, should I go to his funeral? We live in Scotland, and the funeral will be in Kent. Somebody in my household is shielding. I wouldn’t be happy to go on public transport, as I feel it would be too risky, as would have to travel through London. Would have to drive, but wouldn’t be able to drive there and back in a day. But hotels are closed except for key workers
Thinking of having a get together with family members and others who knew my dad, at a future date

Hard though it is you may be better having a virtual gesture at the time, lighting a candle for example and arranging a get together to celebrate his life later in the year. Perhaps someone could arrange a video link?

It's a long way to go, considering you won't be able to give anyone a hug or handhold when you arrive.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd say the risks outweigh anything that you can offer or gain from the occasion. As PP says, participate from a distance and organise something when this situation changes.

Personally I think I'd go, then isolate from my family for 2 weeks when I got back. I don't think you'd be "wrong" if you chose not to though.

Is your mum still alive? What does she think?

Sorry for the loss of your dad.
I think he would want you to do the safest, most reasonable thing, and stay home.

I think sensibly you should stay home. I think funerals are limited to 4 attendees and if you can't find somewhere to stay it's a very long drive and not possible in one day.

Most services are being live streamed now, is that an option for you? I know not ideal but it’s an incredibly long way for you to come if you are not able to stay over. Then have a lovely get together later when all this is over

My dad died 3 weeks ago, and I decided that he would have been very cross with us for anyone driving necessarily to go to a funeral for him (my brother is a 10 hour round trip drive, 4 hours for me), so he had an unattended cremation and we'll do something proper later on. It has been odd, but the best choice in the circumstances

I'm sorry for your loss

I'm sorry, too, that I don't think you should go - not just because of the logistics, but also because if someone is being shielded in your home, you present a risk if you've travelled out of the home.

I 'attended' a funeral yesterday that was via webstreaming and, while it obviously wasn't the same as being there, it was surprisingly realistic.

Alternatively, could you delay the service until we're out of lockdown?

Absolutely agree with pp, that you will be able to have a proper, more meaningful ceremony after this is all over. When my dear old Dad died a couple of years ago, the funeral was just another horrible event to be endured - I barely remember who was even there. What really helped and felt like a proper farewell was scattering the ashes, months later just me and my mum together at sunrise at a special place for us. for you and your family

I'd go. It's your dad.
Could you camp overnight if concerned about staying with your family or stay with your mum for 14 days before returning so you'd have both have been isolating ?
I'd take all my food with me using a freezer bag.
Plan your stops - personally I'd avoid services etc if they're even open and opt for other toilet break options.

Sorry for your loss.

What do you think your Dad would advise OP?

My dad would not want me to travel all that well, in these current circumstances. My mum died 35 years ago.
My family & I have decided that my dad will probably have a simple cremation, just waiting to see if he’d expressed any wishes in his will.
We will celebrate his life later on, and invite neighbours, his carers etc.

Whatever you do it will be hard. Prepare yourself something to do if you can when it's the funeral, either being busy or lighting a candle or whatever.
I wasn't able to go to my Dad's funeral and at the precise moment it was starting I woke up (there's a big time difference between home and where the funeral was) having a panic attack. Not having gone is really hurting me tonight but there was no choice so anything you can do to try and mitigate that then do it. I didn't and it was a mistake.

Many places offer live webstreaming so people who can't attend can watch the service.

That does seem to be more common. it wasn't possible for us but I think it would have helped.

We did an unattended cremation for my mother-in-law ( would have been 10 hour drive each way for us to go and couldn't see a way to do it safely). We had an online service seperately and will do something in person when we can all travel.again.

If your Dad enjoyed something - walking, football , or even a certain type of music- could you mark it in that way, by doing it ?
As soon as this is over, perhaps you all could take his ashes to his special place

So sorry about your dad. A close relative died 4 weeks ago and I have arranged a direct cremation. He will be cremated privately by a cremation company who deal with everything and will deliver the ashes to me. My family are getting together when all this is over and we will have a celebration of his life in his favourite pub and scatter his ashes in the sea near his fishing spot. These are hard times emotionally, so sad for you.

I think you’ve made a sensible decision. Hugs to you. It must be tough.