Advice for explaining to 3 year old m

[LoveWillOvercome]

My mum has been given a few weeks left to live. Due to the pandemic and hospices not being able to have visitors we felt only option was for her to come and live with me, my husband and our two kids. She usually lives alone.

It's not ideal, but I'd do anything for my mum and I don't want her stuck with strangers and dying alone.

So, how do I explain what is happening to my 3 year old (my other child is a baby)?? Nanny is able to chat and have conversations with her at the moment but is deteriorating daily. I've been her with my dad already so I know what to expect but I don't know what to say to my daughter.

She knows nanny has cancer and that the nurses and Drs come to help keep her comfortable but as we don't know how long we have I haven't mentioned that she is dying. Should I or should I just wait till she dies??

I can find a lot of advice on explaining death to a child but not caring for someone who is dying....

It's so messy and I hate the impact this might be having on my daughter but I can't not care for my mum. She's my best friend and I love her so much.

This bloody pandemic is making everything so complicated. Mum will never see her sisters again, or her friends. It's just so bloody cruel.

Hi, I am no expert but I saw you hadn't had any replies so I thought I'm bump you up a bit in the hope someone with more knowledge will come along. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum .

I think the advice for children who may live with or see very sick relatives is to keep things simple, truthful and child led. Listen to what they have to say and answer any questions they have. Children at that age live very much in the moment (so trying to explain for instance that granny may die in a few weeks is likely not to be something she'll understand or process) and tend to be quite literal. So for me personally I am not sure I would try and 'prepare' her for the idea of death necessarily, more focus on explaining why granny is ill/seems strange/why you might be upset or sad.

So I think probably you are best to explain something along the lines of Granny is very sick at the moment, and that this makes her tired sometimes and not want to play/talk too much. It might mean that we need to be gentle and quiet when we talk to her (maybe model being gentle and quiet with her teddies/dolls and praise good behaviour from her). That although when you are young like [DD] and mummy and daddy and [baby], you get sick sometimes and you get better very quickly (particularly say this if she remembers being sick recently or generally understands the idea of being sick well), when you are older like Granny because your body is more worn out sometimes you don't get better and you stay sick. This might make mummy and daddy and [DD] sad because we like it when granny can talk to us and play with us. It's OK to be sad and worried about Granny and she can always come to you for a hug if she feels sad or scared or anything.

I'd emphasise that getting very sick and not getting better is something that usually only happens when you get very old (I know this technically isn't true and your Mum is possibly not very old at all relatively speaking, but she will seem old to your DD and reassuring her that serious illness is something that happens to the elderly may reassure her that you/she/her father etc. are not also going to get very sick any time soon.). You can explain to her that the nurses and doctors are coming to give Granny medicine and help her be comfortable if she wants to know who all the people in the house are.

Hope this helps at least a bit, much love to you and your family and wishing you peace at this terrible time...

I am no grief expert either. And I’m sorry OP to read that. But what about drawing as a way to cope emotionally? Will that help your child or not? At this tender age, I recommend keeping it very lighthearted and simple. Just try simply telling her she is in heaven now. It might also help if you saw a grief counsellor or therapist. I hope this is useful. You are in my prayers!
This article on grief is a good resource and worth a read definitely as well- www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

@maxelly @dyscalculicgal96 thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. Both responses are really useful and I am really grateful.

No problem! How are you today?