Haven’t grieved properly.

[RC1511]

A close family member of mine died suddenly back in Feb. I think about him all the time, I have cried but not for a few weeks now. I miss him dearly and think about him constantly but I seem emotionless. I’ve carried on life like normal. I have two children, they don’t really understand they need me to be strong. With everything going on right now I feel like I’m in auto pilot mode and I haven’t had chance to grieve.

It’s the first time I’ve lost someone and I think I’m trying to figure it all out. So much so I’m keeping myself as busy as I can be to block it out (as busy you can be around the house on lockdown)

When he died things were still normal, we seen him in hospital just after he passed, a normal funeral was held, the church was packed. This wouldn’t have happened now which gives me some comfort. My heart goes out to everyone going through tough time’s right now.

I think about him constantly but life has just carried on. I am confused by my feelings.

Should I be crying more?

Also feeling guilty that I haven’t managed to visit his grave. He is buried 12 miles from
My home so cannot drive there right now. Before the lockdown I had planned to see him but never did and now I have this sense of guilt I never went.

Also, my family visit his grave regularly, they live very close by and use their daily exercise to walk up there. They are getting comfort from talking to him. I totally get that but I just can’t seem to find the words. I’m not sure what my beliefs are and whether this is something for us after we die but I just don’t feel right talking to him. Is that thought normal? Maybe I will in time. Maybe I would if I was alone. Right now I have the whole household home and everytime I visit his grave there is someone else with me. I think I have to visit alone and deal with this on my own way!

I am taking comfort that I seen him 2 days before he died. If only I knew what was going to happen 💔

Although I am kinda glad I seen him just after he passed I kinda of regret it too. I can’t get the image of him out of my head. I want to remember him alive but struggling to get past that!

I am 2 weeks into my first ‘major’ grief experience after my dad died. I am still crying a lot, even randomly in the middle of nice conversations. I don’t think there is a normal thing, and nothing to feel guilty about. I have been told I will gradually remember him alive and well, not just at the end so know happier memories will come. Have you got a friend you can talk to? I find people are happy to chat if you ask? Keep going.

I am 8 weeks into it. It was starting to get easier and tonight it's unbearable. Being alone with nobody to talk to isn't helping. I've been through my phone and looked at my contacts and there is nobody I can text or call. I don't know what to do. I haven't grieved properly either, no funeral, no memorial service and I didn't see them in at the funeral directors either. I do have a photo but that is all.

I am a few months away from the death of my dad and can't stop thinking about his last few days when it we all wanted him to be at peace instead of in pain.
I understand the comfort from being able to be with him when things are so different now.
Can you do anything in memory of him even though you can't visit him at the moment?

I am a year on from my brother dying today. A lot of what you say resonates. I have Bly visited the grave once on his birthday because my parents planned how we would spend the day. Our grieving has been very supportive and collective but it turns out I actually just want to be left to do it my way which I am today.

If you’d asked me before this happened I would have told you I would visit regularly and been organising the collective mourning but I just don’t want to.

Just go through it whatever way works for you. There is no rule or pattern or way it should be. Xxx

I'm like you OP, a few years on and still haven't done much crying, but just a sense of horror and disbelief that has never gone away. I've never been to the grace since the funeral and occasionally I feel bad (other family members go regularly) but I don't beat myself up about it. I can't think of anything worse, I hate the idea of my loved ones body rotting in the ground tbh! I don't "speak" to them either though I think of them every day and often think "what would you say about this..?" Or whatever. I sometimes worry that I'm odd and don't grieve like I'm supposed to or like other people do, but i guess we can't be the only ones!! Sorry for your loss. It doesn't go away but in my experience, doing life without them does get easier over time.

I am four weeks in and am all over the place. I don't really have good days or bad days, more good hours and bad hours, although I did have a day earlier this week that was completely horrendous. I've spent quite a bit of time worrying whether I was grieving 'properly' but have found things much easier since I just decided to go with the flow. The feelings are the same but now I don't have the added struggle of wondering if I'm doing it wrong to contend with!

The only thing I am sure of is that there isn't any particular way that you 'should' grieve - it's different for everyone, and it's certainly different in this bizarre situation we find ourselves in.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself.

I have only cried a little and infrequently since my son died in February. Most of the time I feel empty and confused, and then sometimes I have a spasm of feeling but it is still like just a faraway echo of the grief that I ought to be able to express. I'm abstracted and distracted, and I'm massively forgetful about everyday things. I walk about the house constantl forgetting what I'm meant to be doing.

I don't think there is any 'should', OP. I'm just hoping that a subterranean process in me will throw things up when the time is right. Recently I started writing to my son most mornings, and that just 'popped up' as a strategy without any forethought. So perhaps we should just let things happen at their own pace.

Yes, this
"sometimes I have a spasm of feeling but it is still like just a faraway echo of the grief that I ought to be able to express" is how I've felt since my Mum died last year. I have been lucky and am fairly with it though.
I think it is just what it is.
Oddly my Dad is now very poorly and although our relationship is not as close I have been hard put not to cry when I'm on the phone to him - buckets the moment I hang up.
I don't know about you but I sort of feel cheated of the privilege of grieving if that makes sense.

Dh died suddenly while away with work 2 years ago. I feel like only my younger daughter has grieved properly. Not me and elder dd. There was so much to sort out and cope with in the first year and i wanted to support my dds. I can relate to the faraway echo comment. I'm on a very low dose of amitriptyline since dh died to help with sleep, so i don't know if that has masked the grief a bit.
In a way I'm relieved that others are the same as it makes me feel it can be normal

I suppose it doesn't mean the years before we lost them were any less (or more) happy than they were.