To be confused how I’m meant to feel.

[GA2012]

Recently lost my grandad. He was poorly but never told it was critical. It was sudden. He wasn’t particularly elderly.. it’s the first time I’ve lost someone close to me so I I’m upset, confused not really knowing how to feel.. it’s been just over 2 weeks.

I was incredibly close to him. He was a wonderful grandad and great grandad.

I have cried a few times but not as much as I thought. I haven’t cried in over a week. I didn’t even cry at his funeral. I just feel numb. People must think I’m awful. I do believe I’m on the autism spectrum (runs in my family on my bio dads side even though I don’t know them apparently). If this makes a difference.

I really feel sad. He is constantly on my mind and in my thoughts but I can’t seem to cry much.

I am a bit of a busy body. I’m finding keeping busy is making me feel better. I hate moping around. I have mental health problems and for me the busier I am the better I feel. I haven’t really chilled since his death.

I have two dc both with additional needs. They don’t really understand so they have kept me incredibly busy and it’s important their routine is the same.

I just don’t think it’s sunk in. I feel numb And struggling to show my emotion.

I believe my family think I’m an a**hole. Whilst they were all crying, I didn’t. I just can’t seem to. I have cried a few times mainly when I’m alone.

Is this normal?

I’ve been taking the children out to different places, school runs, talking to friends, shopping, doing things around the house whereas my family have barely left their house.

So sorry for your loss. The first thing you have to remember is everybody grieves differently, no two people respond the same way and no one has the right to tell you how to grieve. It's possible you're just soldiering on right now and that it may hit you hard in a few weeks or you may have small pockets of grief where it overwhelms you. My best friend lost her elderly father and I haven't seen her shed a tear, I do not for one second think this means she didn't love him or doesn't miss him. They can think what they like it is really none of their business just because you aren't weeping and wailing doesn't mean your grief is any less valid.

When my much loved DM died I didn't shed a tear for about 3 weeks. I just couldn't. In my case I felt as though if I started it would unleash a tsunami that I wouldn't be able to stop.
Whatever you're feeling is normal. Everyone grieves in their own way.

It's not unusual but I don't think it's discussed much. I loved my Mum dearly and expected (based on what happened when I lost my lovely FiL) to be crying every day, unable to look at photos of her etc. But no, which, frankly, worried me as it seems to worry you.
Talking to friends though, it seems like it just happens that way sometimes.
I know what you mean about it being awkward, though, being composed when everyone else is overcome with grief. Perhaps mention that you feel lost and numb if there is someone you get on ok with who is normally understanding.
I felt v odd sitting dry eyed through my own mother's funeral but luckily I'd been through her last illness with the other chief mourners so there weren't misunderstandings 😕