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Said goodbye to a dear friend today

30 replies

Moomin · 05/09/2007 21:54

My best friend's mum is dying. She was only diagnosed in May and was up and about for much of the summer, so it seemed very surreal to think she was so ill. Anyway, she has deteriorated rapidly the last few weeks and my bf rang me last night to say she thought her mum only had a couple of weeks left at best and did I want to come and say goodbye while she could still recognise me and was fairly coherent.

So I did, this afternoon, and it broke my heart. We've known each other since I was 12 and she's been a great friend to me independently of her daughter - we often met for coffee, were always texting each other and we had great evenings in drinking wine and judging the Eurovision or Pop Idol with our little score cards and having such a laugh. We share the same birthday and this year we went shopping togther not long after she was diagnosed. She insisted on buying new outfits for my dds ("Sod the cost - I can't take it with me" she said).

She held my hand today and said 'think of me on our birthday' and we both cried and she apologised for making me so upset(!) Her daughters drove her out to the place she wants to be buried yesterday and it's beautiful ('humanist' type place in the country) and she told me all about it and made me promise to take the dds there for picnics.

It's all so surreal. I knew she was dying but now it's close it feels unbelievable again. But I'm so glad I had the chance to say goodbye.

OP posts:
bigwombat · 05/09/2007 21:59

ah moomin, you sound like you have a lovely friendship. I'm so sorry

Zog · 05/09/2007 22:00

Oh Moomin I'm so sorry

What a lovely lady she sounds.

Beauregard · 05/09/2007 22:01

What a wonderful lady ,how very sad

fransmom · 05/09/2007 22:02

oh sweetheart she sounds like a gret friend ((((((((((((moomin))))))))))))))))

Legacy · 05/09/2007 22:07

How sad, and yet how special that you had a chance to say goodbye in this way.

One of the biggest sadnesses in my life is that own Mum deteriorated very rapidly from cancer, and lived far away, and I never had the chance to have any special 'goodbye' moments with her. I still play over in my mind all the things I might have said to her.

Your best friend's mum sounds a brave and lovely lady.

fishie · 05/09/2007 22:12

moomin, so sad to do that but very comforting as well i found. where is she, hospice or home?

Moomin · 05/09/2007 22:19

She's at home with two of her three daughters taking it in turns to care for her. They both think things have changed just this last day or so as today was the first day she refused to get out of bed, even for a wash. She hasn't been to the loo since last night so my bf thinks her kidneys are failing and it does seem like she's giving up now. She's got a hospice nurse going in daily and they've been offered a marie curie nurse to help overnight which they're considering. They both also made the decision to take their compassionate leave from work from today, which makes it much more real as well.

My bf's son started high school today and the school where I work. I've said I'll speak to his form tutor tomorrow and explain the situation. It's so sad.

OP posts:
fransmom · 05/09/2007 22:31

it does sound like she might be starting to have had enough ((((((((((moomin)))))))))

HuwEdwards · 05/09/2007 22:32

Moomin, you're post is both sad and so lovely...

fishie · 05/09/2007 22:33

sounds like she is going out well moomin. i am thinking of you and her.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 05/09/2007 22:34

Moomin

Did you post about this a while ago ??

It is so very very hard saying goodbye, but it is a privilege to be able to do so. If that makes sense.

Slouchy · 06/09/2007 13:38

Moomin - I'm sorry this has come so soon. It is dreadfully hard to say those goodbyes, isn't it? I hope the last stage is peaceful, comfortable and free from pain for her.
And for you - lots of love. This is horrible .

You know where I am if you want to chat x

(sassy)

Jaynerae · 06/09/2007 13:58

crying for you both. ((((((((((((()))))))))

claricebeansmum · 06/09/2007 14:01

Moomin (((((Moomin)))))
Brings back saying goodbye to loved ones.
It is so hard watching someone go.
My thoughts are with you.

TinyGang · 06/09/2007 14:09

You both sound lovely people.

I especially liked her request for you to go there for picnics.

Moomin · 07/09/2007 16:13

Thanks for your thought; it means a lot (also thanks Slouchy x)

I spoke to the tutors at school about bf's ds, and they were lovely. I'm going to be his next 'emergency call' from now on if they can't get hold of his mum. I saw him at school Thurs and he was so bright-eyed and excited at being at 'Big School' and it breaks my heart to see him. His Nana helped bring him up with my bf (his dad hasn't been around since he was 9m old) and they saw each other every day. He is an absolute credit to them both: so caring and sensitive.

I spoke to my bf last night to see how things were and she said they'd actually had a better day. Her mum seems more peaceful and less tearful and she let her daughters get her out of bed and wash her then they did her hair for her. Her own sister came round later and they were able to chat but it was exhausting for her and she slept for much of time after that.

My bf told me she (bf) was really pleased that I'd had that time with her mum and that she'd been so lucid, as that's not been the case for much of the time. I do feel very priviledged to have been given this time and I'll always love my bf for letting me share in this and being so generous at a time where she must be counting every little moment now.

Another thing bf's mum said which makes me cry to recall it is when she was describing the place she's being buried to me. She told about the trees that will be there and the bench and then she said "and it's amber, all my colours." I didn't quite know what she meant but she's always love amber and wears amber jewellery a lot. When I told bf's sister she said that her mum was referring to the trees at the site: their leaves will go amber-coloured in the autumn. It's a beautiful image.

OP posts:
Moomin · 12/09/2007 13:21

My lovely friend passed away on Monday afternoon. It was very peaceful after a difficult night. My friend went to the burial site yesterday and they have chosen a silver birch tree for the site.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 12/09/2007 13:23

Huge hugs.

Desiderata · 12/09/2007 13:25

I'm so sorry, Moomin.

Hulababy · 12/09/2007 13:26

So sorry Moomin.

OrmIrian · 12/09/2007 13:26

Ah. So sorry moomin

MaryAnnSingleton · 12/09/2007 13:29

moomin, how sad and I am sorry to hear this
Not quite the same, but a dear family friend whom I've known since I was 5 has dementia and has been deteriorating over the past few years - it is heartbreaking as she is a wisp of the very bright,sharp minded woman she always was and I know that she wouldn't recognise me if I saw her (she used to lived opposite my house until I moved 2 years ago). To be truthful I would find it very hard to see her so changed, which is a bit selfish and pathetic of me. Dementia is a terrible thing and robs you of the person you knew so cruelly.

FoghornLeghorn · 12/09/2007 13:29

So sorry Moomin.

I missed your initial posts on this but wanted to offer my condolences.

Hope you are bearing up OK

MaryAnnSingleton · 12/09/2007 13:30

sorry to divert from your thread moomin - God bless your bf's mum

MaryAnnSingleton · 12/09/2007 13:31

so sorry moomin,just caught up with the middle of this thread and read that she'd died - my condolences - a silver birch tree is a lovely idea