heartless comments from boss

[lillypainter]

I told my daughter one week ago today that her dad died she is 10 years old and is on the spectrum. I text work to let them know that I planned coming to work as normal Thursday and Friday night shifts but that I may be a bit quiet and perhaps don't ask me if I'm ok. The first thing they do is ask loads of questions and ask is my daughter ok about it ? When I said no obviously not she idolised her dad ? My said oh I thought she would be better off ? Ok the back story is that I didn't get a lot of support from her Dad in any way and that she saw him only twice a month. This seems to make people dismissive and think in by my daughter didn't love her father as much as another child would love a father ? I can't get my head around the logic. Ok I'm her main care giver so if I died that would be different but still the heartless comments that have come my way have been astonishing???? I have had in contrast a lot of support on her behalf. My boss also doesn't seem to fathom that me and her 16 year old sister are absolutely devastated watching her pain. Last night I explained my 16 yr daughter had been sent home from work crying and she shouted "why ?" I said obviously she is upset about her little sister ? We drove past near her dads house that morning unavoidably (because I was coming back from work) and it triggered the grief. My boss response was "oh! How sensitive " I'm seething at the lack of empathy and considering leaving. The funeral will be some time in the near future and I feel this is going to be the worst time for my daughter who will need all my support and if I get more comments like the previous one there will be an almighty row and I will walk out. Am I over reacting here ? Obviously I'm sensitive atm.

Sorry for all the spelling and grammatical errors I'm at the end of a 12 hr night shift and angry as hell

You're not overreacting to think they're being insensitive, of course your daughter is very upset. And it's not unreasonable if this permanently changes your opinion of them.

But don't make any rash decisions. Let things settle and get on a more even footing. If you still feel the same, look for a new job and resign then. Don't financially penalise yourself at a difficult time because of their insensitivity.

to your daughter.

Not surprised you’re feeling angry about it. You’d expect some empathy for your poor child and for you. Whether their opinion is ‘she’s better off’ , they should keep that to themselves and show you all some support . So sorry for your loss xx

Thankyou @MindyStClaire just to have someone agree with me at this moment helps. Your right I need to go about things correct way.

@itsemily thank you I really appreciated he fast response and support I get on here. What's crazy is I work in a care setting so it's our job to be caring ? I really don't get the attitude of some people that think unless your married to the father or that he lives with his children is the only time they would be upset. My 16 yr at college let her tutor know and she said "well did you live with him" and "he wasn't your dad though was he" ??? She isn't upset about him ! She is upset for her baby sister who is traumatised. I don't know why it's so difficult for people to understand ? A lot of people do care and have been amazing. Particularly her school. 25 mins left and then I'm getting out of work

my boss has also made insensitive comments during my bereavements. You wouldn’t think it’s so hard to give a shit about your employees and understand when you might need to keep your mouth shut. But apparently it is!

You are perfectly reasonable to consider leaving and based on my experience, I would recommend leaving because they’ll be just as insensitive the next time you need support. However, right now isn’t the time to look. Quitting in a rage will force you to apply for jobs when you need to focus on getting yourself and your daughters through this. Your daughter will obviously grieve for a while and while things won’t be better for a long time after the funeral, everything will feel less like a whirlwind after the funeral. Obviously all your focus is on your 10 year old at the moment but you need to remember to take care of yourself too. Grief for her dad could really hit you too, don’t think you can’t grieve for him because he’s your ex.

^Your daughter will obviously grieve for a long while 🤦‍♀️

Thankyou @CakeAndGin I really appreciate that advice and ofcourse you are right x

Honestly I work for the NHS and have had experience with people not caring yet it’s drummed into us to be caring , and we don’t get it back from management !
Of course your daughter is upset for her sister , that’s very normal and she should be getting support from college tutors for this !

Really sorry that people are being so shit to your poor daughter and you and I hope that, if you speak to the relevant school contacts, your children will have more appropriate support - it would do no harm to explain what kinds of comments are very unhelpful (I discovered as a bereaved teacher, working in the school my children attended, that you have to be very clear with people and say your piece).