How have 9 months gone by since DH died?

[TheMadGardener]

My DH (one of the nicest people in the world) died last May from stage 4 bowel cancer. We'd been together for 28 years, married for 22. Two DDs who were 14 and 12 when he died, now 15 and 13. I have very little close family, am close to my DSis, not at all close to my DM, love my MIL but she has dementia and can't remember that DH has died. DH had one brother who lived abroad and tragically also died 10 weeks before DH did. DSIL is still in a bad state after his sudden death.
DDs and I are a tight unit and lead busy lives. We are lucky to live in a lovely place with no financial worries. They had grief counselling but I didn't. I'm seen by everyone as being a super-capable person who can cope with anything. I'm very calm and not a person who shows emotions much, except to DDs obviously. In general they are both coping well, school thinks they are amazing and most of our days are happy rather than sad. I have lots of friends but not really super-close friends, except for a couple who live far away. DH and I were one of those very tight couples and preferred being together more than with others. I deal with all my DDs' needs, work full-time, run the house, get stuff fixed, handle my MIL's affairs and visit her in her nursing home twice a week, do my hobby, etc. Since DH died I've coped with it by keeping constantly busy, and suddenly it's already 9 months, nearly 10 months without him and I can't believe it.

I was watching TV tonight after DDs had gone to bed and one of DH's favourite films came on and it just hit me all over again how crap it is that he's not here and he never will be here again all my life. I miss getting a hug off him when I get in from work. The items of clothing I kept because they smelt of him have almost lost their smell. DD2 said this week that life before he was ill and died is starting to feel like a dream (she was 9 when he was diagnosed). I was at work this week (in a school) and watching a programme with a class and suddenly on the soundtrack of the programme they used a song we played at DH's funeral and I nearly lost it in front of the class which I never do. All the people who rallied round at the time of the funeral have backed off and got on with their own lives (although DDs have supportive friends).
Sorry for going on like this, but after that film came on tonight I came to bed and sobbed into my pillow which is very unlike me. Just wondered if anyone else was up at 1.30 just needing someone to rant to. I just miss him so much and I'm not quite 50 and there might be so many years without him. It's just so unfair.

(Don't want to bore people but there's a whole backstory about how my DM behaved when DH was terminally ill on this old thread)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3184095-DM-81-s-house-uninhabitable-and-shes-in-denial-HELP

Rant away, lovely. Please don’t apologise. You’re right - it is so very unfair on you and your family. You have every right to feel this way. Rant away. Cry, let it out.

I am so sorry for your loss

Thank you Hula. It's just having to be the person who holds it all together for the DDs. And feeling like part of me has been cut off. I know we were lucky to have been so happy together for so long. A lot of people never get that.

What precious memories you must have and how very lucky your children are to have you as their mummy. I am sure he gained great comfort in knowing what wonderful hands his girls would be in. I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you experienced something wonderfully special which not all couple do. May that bring you comfort, allow yourself to grieve in all ways you need. A wonderful book on grief that you could share with your daughters too is 'Tear Soup' it helped me greatly during grief stricken times as it reassured me of my right to grieve in the way that was personal and unique to me. Sending you a huge virtual, much deserving hug.

It's ok to have a bad day. And I don't know anything about anything, but do your DDs ever see you crying and sad?

You don't have to be strong all the time.

Have good old cry. ❤️❤️

How are you this morning @TheMadGardener ?

I'm okay. Eyes a bit bloodshot! Amazingly I have nothing on the calendar for today. DD1 has gone out to do a hobby and DD2 and I are chilling out. She's on her tablet with DCat on her lap and I'm drinking tea and looking at the hailstorm going on outside! Looking at Facebook and kind of wishing that DSIL wouldn't put so many of those quotation posts about grief up all the time. But feel mean for thinking that as she is still so devastated about DBIL''s sudden death. At least with us we knew a long time beforehand that DH was going to die, for her it was just a bolt out of the blue when DBIL had a cardiac arrest.

from me too.

You sound like an amazing woman but it will be tough approaching the first year anniversary. Do your girls have GCSEs too in May?

Happy leap day; it is very appropriate that you have nothing to do but relax, wish more people would do that.

I have no practical advice but my own granny had a very long period of widowhood and was happy for the most part.

Thank you. Just got through DH''s birthday, maybe that's why February''s felt particularly hard.

No GCSEs yet, DD1 is in Y10 and not 16 till Nov.

It’s ok not to be the coping, practical one all the time - even if that’s tied up in your identity.

It’s ok to ask for help.

It’s ok to temporarily hide your SIL’s posts on fb.

It’s ok not to be ok.

TheMadGardener you sound similar to me in that you cope for others and occupy yourself and don't allow much time and space for your own grief. And that IS a way of grieving and coping with life going on. But it doesn't work all of the time and sometimes things can still hit you and the grief is overwhelming. And that doesn't go away, it just lessens.

I don't really have anything that will help, I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and grief. It is okay to let it out sometimes, and it is okay for your girls to see it.

Be stong, and sometimes - let yourself grieve.

I think at about the 12 month mark I started to think about the future, about the rest of my life and what it would be. And that seemed partly a gaping hole and partly a life to live. Now, nearly 3 years after DH died, for me it is much more of a life to live, which isn't to say that I don't have gaping holes as well.

I can relate to everything you have written in terms of your feelings and emotions.
In my case it was my adult son who died, suddenly.
DH keeps very very busy.
I have been physically ill, so can't keep as busy.
I am into the fourth year and just about ready to consider counselling.
I know what you mean about others moving on.
I think we have to accept that everyone deals with things differently. I have had to learn to say no more often thanI would have done previously. Certain relatives I simply won't see any more. Self preservation has to come first.
Sorry, I am rambling a bit.
It is very, very early days for you.

I'm so sorry to read your post,
I totally relate to everything you said.
My DH died 9 months ago, I'm not strong enough to offer advice yet, but wanted to say that I understand.
I really do.
A hand hold from afar from me
X

You sound like an amazing mum, and clearly you were so happy with your DH. I have no experience of this so can only send thoughts and sympathy. You mention that your girls had grief counselling, is this something that would help you?

to everyone else who has lost someone. Thank you for hanging out with me.

I just saw your thread having been away for a while. Your story is so similar to mine and I understand completely about being the one who copes and carries on. I think these feelings remain deeply buried inside us but memories release them so they bubble up to the surface. And actually I think that can be a good and necessary thing.
for everything you're going through.

Music and other sensual reminders are sometimes an emotional blow with an axe. They’re sudden and unexpected and our logical brain doesn’t have time to act as calmly as we usually do. Like the others say; it’s ok not to be ok, and sometimes it is good to be able to indulge ( sorry if that’s not the right word) your true primitive emotions.

I don’t know how old you are but you might be able to join Widowed and Young for support x

It sounds like you're a highly capable person who has done an excellent job of holding it together for other people, which is brilliant. But of course you need somewhere to grieve, and we are happy to listen. I'm so sorry that you've lost your husband.

OP I could have written your post. My darling DH also died of stage 4 bowel cancer last May. Was diagnosed 2016 - 3 months after the death of his brother. DD and DS were 15 and 20. We too had been together forever (met aged 17 and 18 ) and were a really tight unit of four.

I think shock ( even though I knew it was coming) got me through most of last year but now I’m just tired. Tired of having to exist without him, tired of everyone assuming I’m ok and tired of keeping up the front.

Lockdown is a strange one - partly feels like a relief from keeping up the act but also highlights how everyone else has their own lives to live.
Also loving having both DCs home 24/7 but that in itself is constant reminder the we are a 3 when we should be a four.

Like you am also financially secure but honestly what is the point of any of without him to share it with? I adore spending time with DCs and we have so many amazing memories of him to share but am very aware that they have their own lives to lead. Looking into the future just feels like staring into a big black hole.

Sorry I’ve got nothing helpful to say except that I get it. Much love to you. Xxx

@chickpeabiriyani I'm so sorry for your loss, and wow, it does sound like our situations are pretty similar, even to losing DHs and DBILs around the same time!

I know what you mean about the uncertainty of the future. Ironically I had plans for this summer for a big, no-expense-spared trip abroad with DDs and DSis to go and stay with DSIL, which we were really looking forward to (even though she has been very down after loss of DBIL, we would still have a good time with her and had also planned side-trips in her country for lots of cool experiences). Covid-19 has put a stop to that trip, but I guess we will just have to plan to go next year, hopefully. I think it's really important to have things to look forward to. One of the things we're finding the most difficult is that I do a hobby, and DD1 has a related hobby, which involves us taking part in lots of events every summer, with our friends who do the same hobbies (don't want to out myself, it's quite specific!) Of course we had a full diary of events for this summer which we were all looking forward to, and they've all been cancelled, it leaves a massive gap. But we just have to be positive and think that they will happen in the future, just not this year.

Coming up in a few weeks on the first anniversary of DH dying (and your DH too obviously). Not sure what we will do, obviously can't do much. Might have to bend the quarantine rules slightly to drive to the local (remote but not far from us) beauty spot where half his ashes are scattered (the other half interred with his dad).

Again, to you and everyone else who has lost someone.

BigHug🌷

Time is weird isn't it? It seems to go so quickly in one way, but can seem so much longer in another way

I'm very sorry that your trip & your summer events have been cancelled - that's especially tough in your situation.

Life is bloody unfair, your wonderful DH should be here💕