To feel like I’ll never forget my grandad.

[CD14]

So sadly this week I lost my grandad. I’ve never had a father so he was like a father figure. I lived there for the first few years of my life. I feel incredibly grateful I know him for 28 years.

Soo.. the funeral hasn’t been organised yet. After he is buried naturally I’ll visit his grave on his birthday, special occasions, Christmas and whenever I feel like I should.

I’ve been sat thinking this evening how my granny never speaks of her grandparents nor did my grandad. Likelihood is that they died when they were young but after some searching I find my grans grandmother died when she was in her twenties like me..

But I’ve never known my gran to visit her grave.. I’m not judging her on this at all.

I’m just curious and sad. I feel like going to visit their graves myself and laying down flowers but I wouldn’t know where to start but I know they are buried locally to my gran.

I can’t imagine ever forgetting him. I will still want to visit his grave when I’m an old lady myself!

I'm 53, it's 10 years since I lost my last grandparent but the others were all gone in my 20's. I talk about them often, my dc, who only met my Nanna, know all about them. I know all about my own great-grandparents as my parents always spoke of them and I have visited their graves. My own gps we're all cremated but I visit the garden of remembrance

I think it's lovely you'll always remember your granddad. In my experience you'll remember them with both happiness and sadness, I'd give anything to cuddle them all again.

I never visit graves, but I think of my grandparents often and miss them. I bet your grandparents did too.

I haven't forgotten my grandparents but I don't visit their graves as I don't believe anything that made them who they are is there.

Sorry for your loss.

You have no idea how your grandparents felt about their grandparents - you don't know if they were close, or whatever. You also don't know how they grieved them. I don't talk to my children about how I feel about my own parents death (I didn't know my grandparents). That doesn't mean I don't miss them every day.
Do not assume just because you never saw them visit the graves or talk about their own parents that has anything to do with how they felt about them. Unless you were with your grandparents 24/7 you don't know if they didn't visit them every week!

Do not judge or measure other people who do/did or feel differently to you.

I am very sorry for your loss

My Mum died 10 years ago, I have been to her grave once since the funeral. My Dad is there every week.

It isn't a place I associate with her, I like to think of her alive and chatting to me, not buried in the ground.

We talk about my Mum and my Grandparents as does Dh about his Mum and Grandparents, both to each other and our children. This keeps their memory alive.

I’m very sorry for your loss.
However I don’t understand why you think your family have forgotten the people they’ve lost?
My brother died when we were both in our 20’s. I think about him every single day. I don’t visit his grave, I last went a couple of years ago. I don’t believe that that’s where he is.
I also adored my grandparents, who are buried close to him. I’ll never forget any of them. I don’t visit their graves.

We all grieve and remember in different ways. Not visiting a grave doesn't mean you have forgotten someone. I haven't visited the graves of any friends or family members, and probably never will, but I remember them every day.

So sorry for your loss

Thank you. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. It’s the first time I’ve lost anyone close to me. I’m not really sure how to grieve..

Just made me wonder that’s all. As I’m pretty certain my grans grandparents are buried in the same yard as her parents. She visits her parents grave quite often..

I lived with my grandparents for a few years and spent a lot of time there also. 😭 I just don’t know how I’m meant to be feeling right now.

I never visit graves but think of my grandmother often, who I lost 30 years ago.

I’m sorry about you Grandad

Everyone is different &, particularly to some of the older generation, death is still quite a taboo subject. It doesn’t mean they don’t think of those they’ve lost though.

My Dh hasn’t visited his Mum’s headstone (it’s her ashes that are buried there). I’ve no idea where my Grandad is, he’d told my Dad where he wanted to be scattered & written it in his Will but my Gran was a cow & had him sent straight back from the funeral directors to be scattered at the crem. My Dad’s ashes are on a box unit in my lounge, I talk to him most days & dust him occasionally , when/if I’m ready I know where he’d wanted to scattered. My other Gran (Mum’s Mum) is still at the funeral directors.

No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence Terry Pratchett that’s from memory so apologies if it’s not spot on

You'll be all over the place for a while. Just feel what you feel when you feel it. I dissolved over the washing up months later.

I lost my Grandma when I was 7, I'm now 48 and she is still very much in my thoughts.
I struggled until my 30s with the grief but I now haven't cried for many years. I think people think I'm a little odd but her death hit me very hard and I was incredibly close to her. I also think I grieved for longer because she died so young and I felt 'cheated'
I hope you're ok op? Keep talking to us about your lovely Grandad if it helps?

You have to remember too that time changes everything. My grandmother lived at the end of my street, I used to pop in after school every day on my way home for a cup of tea. Slept there every Saturday. She died when I was 14.
I’m 35 now and I think of her a lot, and remember our time together so fondly. But I don’t ‘grieve’ for her necessarily. She was very old, she had a lovely life, it was the natural order of things.

My dad died years ago. I went to the cemetery on anniversaries and Christmas.

My dd died 4yrs ago. I went to the cemetery Everyday for the first year. It was my only way of coping. My mum died 2yrs ago she was buried with dd and my dad. I now visit the cemetery 2/3 times a week. I know it's not normal but it is the one place I feel close to them.

I would imagine in the future I will not visit as much, who knows.
DH only comes on anniversaries and Christmas the cemetery doesn't mean anything to him. He remembers dd other ways.

What I'm trying to say is not everyone has to go to the cemetery to remember loved ones unless your me

Thank you for your kind words.

@velocitygirl7 bless you being so young when you lost her. I am grateful I had 28 years. I feel like it hasn’t really sunk in yet though and I’m still in denial. My partner has been supportive but I feel like he doesn’t fully understand. He was never really close to his grandparents. My grandad was a wonderful man, I never had a dad so he was a father like figure. I lived there for some of my childhood, spent a lot of time there at other times, we did a lot together. I love my granny too but I feel like I had a special relationship with my grandad. He’s done so much for me and was also a fantastic great grandad to my DC 💔

So sorry for your loss

I lost my grandad suddenly when I was 11. He was only 59 and I was devastated. Took me a long time to get used to him not being around. I'm 34 now and still have his picture on my mantlepiece.

I haven't been to his grave for years but that doesn't mean I don't think about him most days. He's still alive and well in memories and sayings of his that the family still use

He's obviously left a big hole in your life, it sounds as though he was very special and way beyond a 'normal' Grandfather figure, so losing him is going to be very hard for you.
He sounds lovely, I bet your dd would enjoy talking about him, looking at photos etc I wish my mum had done more of that, one thing I remember is feeling I couldn't talk about her anymore?
Sorry again for you loss 💛

I lost my grandparents in my late 20’s/early 30’s so some 15/17 years ago now but I never stop thinking about them. We were close as my parents are both only children so my sister and I had all four grandparents to ourselves and were very much loved by them all. I also live in my paternal grandparents house so constantly talk about them to dc. I never will never forget my lovely grandparents but I never visit their graves (2 were cremated and 2 buried) as I don’t feel that is where they are now, they live on in my children.

I’ve lost a few relatives in the last few years. It’s just over 2 years since my grandma died. I think about her (and my grandad and my aunt) often. I actually thought about my grandma about 2 hours ago and nearly cried for missing her. I have visited 2 of their headstones once but I’ve never gone to the garden of rememberence for my grandad. I walk past where my grandma and aunt are and refuse to even look in the graveyard. However, when someone else dies that might be the only place I feel peace. But I still might not be able to visit those other graves.

I have a candle holder made from some of the funeral flowers and I will often light a tea light and pop it in the holder. My friend will pull out her grans favourite tipple. You can remember someone without visiting their grave.

Sine good advice I had when I lost my dear Nan was that grief comes in waves. So sometimes you'll feel fine and may even feel guilty for feeling fine (don't!) and then other days the feelings can knock you for six. But there is no right or wrong way of grieving, we are all different.

So sorry for your loss OP.

@velocitygirl7 it's lovely that you still remember your Grandma often despite losing her young. My son was nearly 6 when my Dad died and I hope he remembers how close they were.

I think of my Gran all the time, she died when I was 27 (I am 41 now). I don't visit her grave because it's far away but I keep things of hers around, and think of her when I use them. I don't tell anyone about this although I do mention her to my kids.

I don't know anything about my Gran's grandparents. Her mum was born in 1878 and was 39 when she had her, so I imagine they died a long time ago!

I don’t need to visit a graveyard to remember my grandparents. None of them actually have headstones. 2 of them are scattered in a garden of remembrance, I don’t even know which one and the other is still waiting to be scattered, but I know once it’s done, it will be very rare for me to visit that spot.

The first 2 died when I was a child and I don’t have many memories, but my gf died recently and I find I remember him if certain songs come on, or watching the dc do things that I used to do with him (like climbing trees).

I have discouraged the dc from visiting their grandfathers grave. Some of the family are there every week and I have encouraged the dc to remember him in other ways (they didn’t know how to grieve for him and saw the others going to the graveyard and thought that was the only way to remember). We talk about him, look at photos, donate to his favourite charity and look at the good work they do, listen to his favourite songs, follow his favourite sports teams results.
If it feels right for you to visit the graveyard that’s fine, but don’t feel you have to set a regular pattern for going. You will find your own way through your grief, just as your grandparents did all those years ago.
I also don’t want to sound mean, but it was a long time ago since your dgm lost her grandparents. At the time, maybe she was really affected, but as time has gone on and her days filled with other things,(Presumably settling down and having her own family) she has moved on, which in truth is what has happened to us. It doesn’t mean we have forgotten our loved ones or that we don’t still love and miss them deeply, it’s just that we have learnt to live with the loss.

My last grandparent died when I was in my 40's. We were so, so close but hardly ever go to her grave. I don't need to go there to remember her and I talk about her often. My own dcs remember her well and we often share funny stories about her. I know she would have been so chuffed to have seen me become a grandparent myself, And, if course, for her to have been a great, great grandmother. I hope that my darling grandchild has similar memories of me when I am so longer here, as I do of her. I am using my beloved grandparent as my role model and I think that's the best way I can remember and honour her.
My mum's last grandparent died when I was around ten, so almost 50 years ago. Again, we talk about him a lot and my mum is at his grave at least once a month.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with your grief. It is your grief and you cope in whatever way is right for you. If you want to visit a grandparent e, so, but if you choose not to, it won't mean you lived your grandfather any less. It just means that your memories and love are in your heart.

I am Hindu and we don’t have graves except for children under specific circumstances. I wish we did as I grieve my grandmothers a lot. My dad’s mum died when I was a teenager and my mum’s in my thirties. They were both so beautiful and helped me in so many ways. My dad’s mum practically raised me and was a real battle axe, while my mum’s faced unbelievable adversity. They were so strong and taught me to be the same but I was a real pain in the ass to them - I think you never truly appreciate something until it’s gone.

So sorry hun.
I lost my grandad two weeks ago and he was the first close person i have lost. My heart aches every day. Please feel free to dm me, i totally know how you feel xxxxx