Struggling to help DM after sudden death of DF and feel awful

[NotTheMrMenAgain]

Hello. So, my DF died suddenly 3 weeks ago and life has understandably been awful since.

I adore my DM and we've always been very close, but I'm really struggling to deal with her in her grief stricken state. She has started having panic attacks over things like not being able to get the TV to work, or needing new lightbulbs or the electricity went off and now the heating needs to be reset, or the internet has gone down. I understand her panic because DF dealt with all this stuff and she's adjusting to a new reality.

But each time I call her or she calls me (twice a day at least if I'm not physically seeing her) there's some kind of issue that needs my immediate attention/presence. I'm only a 20 minute drive away but have a family of my own so it's difficult to always instantly drop things and go over.

I know it's very early days but I feel so overwhelmed and alone. The GP signed me off work and gave me medication to help me cope, but it seems DM thinks I've got time off to help her deal with things - which I have, but I'm also upset myself. It doesn't help when she offers me 'a day off' like she thinks she is now my official job!

She needs help planning the funeral etc but any ideas I've had or suggestions I've made about making the ceremony more about DF and his personality have been shut down as 'not what she wants' and she told me I couldn't speak at the service as it would be 'too upsetting for her'. I'm upset that DFs funeral will be bland and not reflecting him as a person at all.

So basically I just have to do as I'm told and keep my opinions to myself as her grief trumps mine (or so it feels).

I really don't want to like this for the next 20 years. She scoffed at a suggestion of grief counselling (when the time is right) and refused to see the GP about the anxiety. I'm thinking that as a method of self preservation - I'm just going have to harden myself to the fact that she's pretty much always going to be upset now and there's nothing I can do to fix it - and I can't be upset all the time because she's upset or my life and family will just fall apart.

I can't believe I feel like running away after only 3 weeks - I'm disappointed in myself but feel pretty close to edge already.

What should I do?

Oh bless your dear heart. So sorry you lost your Dad. Very difficult for you as you want to support your Mum but you yourself have also suffered a great loss and are grieving too. Nobody's grief trumps anybody else's whatever anyone says about it. Sounds as though you have difficulty self protecting because of your strong need to support your Mum. Does she have anyone else to talk to as well as you. It's ok to let your Mum know you are devastated and struggling too. You can't save her from this pain in the way that she can't save you from it. Sorry not to be of more help but I am thinking of you wishing you all the very best

So sorry for the loss of your DF. I lost my DM v unexpectedly four years ago and my stepfather went to pieces. Do you have siblings? You are both in the rawest phase of grief. It is horrible. But you need support too. Hope you are doing ok. I can on this board because I am desperately missing my mum! So hope I can offer u some support. I found the funeral arrangements very difficult to negotiate.

I'm in a very similar situation except I'm supporting my DF and I am 3 months down the line. I feel a huge burden of responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing when tbh I was only just hanging on before DM died with my own complex family situation, and do not have the time or emotional reserves to cope with this additional pressure now. But I have yet to come up with an answer. I know this doesnt help but you are not alone.

This post could have been mine. Dad died unexpectedly 12 months ago now and my mum was just like that. Dad did a lot for her and she became very needy of my time. I tried so hard to be there for her but sometimes it felt overwhelming. She just didn’t cope with losing dad at all. I live about 20 mins away too and she also started to phone me 5-6 times a day. I started to not answer sometimes but she would leave messages that made me feel guilty as she sounded truly panicked, although if I went she was fine when I was there. I think she was anxious if no one was going to be there. I work full time and have a family (2 boys) but went over every Saturday and spent most of the day with her making her a meal, tidying, shopping.
She sort counselling through cruse which was a godsend and a curse in the end. She found it really helpful and looked forward to the weekly call but they do a limited amount of sessions ( 6 I think) and when it stopped she was devastated and did allsorts to try and continue with it (asking GP, writing to Cruse) but to no avail. This actually made things worse. I tried to suggest private counselling but she didn’t want to start all over again with a stranger. I felt some of the time I was not allowing myself to grieve as I had so much on with looking after mum. Still don’t think I've come to terms with it now.
Mum sadly passed away quite suddenly in Dec less than a year after my dad. I feel so guilty sometimes about how I felt about her that it eats away at me sometimes. I have come across things she wrote which breaks my heart...she didn’t want to be a burden on me anymore, that she missed my dad and felt she had no purpose in life anymore and that no one spoke about him ( I didn’t for fear of upsetting her and because I was too upset too). She also wrote nice things too about how she thought the world of me and I was the only thing she looked forward to.
I don’t have an answer but I feel for you as I know how hard it was for those 12 months. I will say you need to look after yourself. We had just organised a lady to come (min of 2 hours a week) but could be split over the week. She was going to take her to hospital, doctors appointments, out for coffee or shopping. This would have been a godsend but had only been once before she died. I also organised a cleaner and gardener again as much for someone bobbing in as the actual activity. Not sure how old your mum is but you could consider it. Also I went on Facebook and found a group which was set up for ladies to meet up for lots of events or just for a meal or coffee. She’d been to a couple of these too.
The next thing I’ve got to do is sort the house which I just can’t bear the thought of at the moment but know it’ll have to be done. What do you do with everything?? It breaks my heart to think of giving away all their worldly possessions and clothes.

Look after yourself 💐

WhenPush, Geppili and DidI thank you all so much for your replies - it's surprising how comforting kind words from a stranger can be!

I felt horrible typing out my post, but it's probably good to get it off my chest. I'm the only real close family DM has now (along with my DD and DH) - I have a blood sibling but they're toxic and rarely in contact (fortunately). DF had children from an earlier marriage so I do have a step-sister (quite a bit older and not close but lovely and supportive of DM) and a step-brother who has severe learning difficulties which sadly make it almost impossible to have a relationship or even communicate properly.

DM has some friends and more distant relatives who are keeping in contact and trying to be supportive. So it's not all bad - just sad and difficult.

Geppili I'm sorry you're missing your DM so much. Grief is a strange beast, isn't it? My DGF died over 23 years ago, but now and then something will just catch me off guard and I'll physically feel the sense of loss and missing him, totally out of the blue. I was watching TV last night and a widowed character said that grief doesn't get smaller, you have to get bigger to grow around it - and the best way to do that is to open up to life and new experiences. It's only a daft show, but the comment did resonate with me.

DidI You've put into words what I feel - a huge burden of responsibility without the emotional reserves to cope. You can't pour from an empty jug and I feel that's what I'm becoming. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a similar and difficult spot. I'm not sure there is an answer - maybe the answer is that there isn't one, so we just muddle through as best we can? I hope with time things will seem easier for all of us.

Thanks again you three!

Oh Lou898 I wish I could give you a huge hug. It sounds like you've run yourself ragged over the past 12 months and did everything you possibly could to support your DM.

It's human nature to go over things and feel guilty after a loss but please try not to let it eat away at you - your feelings after your DF died were a totally human response to a horrible, stressful, overwhelming situation. You were exhausted and needed time and space to grieve, which you couldn't have. You sound like a very loving daughter and I imagine your DM was so proud of you. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend going through the same thing

I wish I could say something that sounds helpful or wise. I'm so sorry you're going through this. For the possessions is there a particular charity that was or would have been close to your DPs hearts? I'd want to keep a few special things and donate the rest, in the hope it would do someone some good, somewhere along the line. Think that's the best I could hope for. DF was a bit of a hoarder when it came to mechanical stuff/tools/technology. There are various 'spaces' - rooms, garages, sheds - that are crammed with stuff and I'm not sure where to start, I'm almost scared to look!

We're only 3 weeks in and DM keeps apologising for being a burden and telling me how tired and stressed I look/seem and how guilty she feels - which is infuriating because I don't want her to feel like a burden because none of it is her fault and it's not how she would choose to be.

I think my DM also feels like she has no purpose in life now without DF - she lived to look after him and they did most things together. She had surgery and treatment for cancer a couple of years ago and she apparently wishes she hadn't bothered now - because she would have died before DF so wouldn't have to be living through this. And it's at that point I feel like putting my head in the oven! I reckon things can pretty much only get better from this point onwards - until then wine is my friend.

Thank you for your kind words. You made me cry but not in a nasty way just because you are right in what you say. I did what I could without losing my own sanity and that is all anyone can do. We are no good to anyone if we breakdown ourselves. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you for your suggestions - the donating to a meaningful charity might ease the process.
I count my blessings in some ways in that mum didn’t have to go through Christmas/New Year or the anniversary of dads death even though I went through all of those things without her and dad. I’d been doing ok but had a bit of a meltdown on NYD when I thought about her not been here to see my eldest son graduate and the youngest ones prom this year. I sort of expected her not to be here when they got married but these things were so close and she would have loved it. She is also where she wanted to be - with my dad. That’s what I continue to take comfort from.
You’ll work out a way of getting through this and accept help if people offer.

Hope u r doing ok.