Grieving is Brutal.

[PorschanotPorsche]

Grieving has become so familar to me I lost my Mum when I was 19, then my nan died 5 years later and last October my eldest brother passed away.
My relationship broke down because the grief is so heavy I couldn't maintain it and being alone is something I've become somewhat used to.
However I find it so hard to talk to people because they always go with the general human responses " I can't imagine what you're going through" "in time you'll be ok" "you know your love ones want you to be happy" honestly there are times I feel like screaming because it's not the first time I've had to go through grieving but this time feels so much harder.

How do people deal with grief?

I don't know either but your thread title says it all for me tonight, I want my dad back.

I feel exactly the same, people keep telling me time is a healer, but the more time that passes the more I miss my mum. It's nice to know people like us aren't alone x

This all over... I keep saying to people I feel worse with more time passing. I’ve just kind of clammed up now and won’t speak to anyone about it because I’m sick of the clichés. X

I don’t think you ever do get completely over it. You just put one foot in front of the other, and eventually something else will happen to distract you from focussing too much on the grief. Eventually the ‘stabbed in the heart’ pain will fade and that’s when the real grieving process starts but it could take years.

OP, I do know what it's like. My DH died when he was 36, the day before my 36th birthday. I've lived with that grief for 28 years, raised our two kids alone and never remarried.
There's a few things that might help a little.
The first is that you shouldn't expect or force yourself to " get over it", or expect that there's a time limit on grief and that you will somehow recover from it. Think of it like an amputation - nobody expects their leg to grow back after a few months or years, they know they will miss their limb for the rest of their life. They have to learn to get around with a prosthesis.
So instead of wondering how or when you will recover, think about how to function and cope with the grief still there. Accept that you miss your loved ones, that there will always be an ache in your heart and an empty place at your table, but you can still live your life anyway. The things that gave you pleasure before still can - you can still do your hobbies or spend time with friends or enjoy a nice meal or a good film.
Something my dear old church minister said to me was "Don't let their death be more than their life" - in other words, don't let the grief over their death blot out all your lovely memories of them. You still have all those, and can be thankful for them and treasure them.
It helps hugely if you have a religious faith. Knowing that I will be reunited with my DH when I eventually die has comforted me for years.
There's a carving on a memorial in Edinburgh that reads "Grief is not forever. But love is." The bible tells us that when we reach heaven "God will wipe away all tears and there will be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying." That's something to hang on to when life here seems bleak.
Finally, the pain of grief changes with time. Just like a physical wound which is acutely painful and unbearable when it is new, but becomes a chronic dull ache as the months and years pass. Grief becomes a manageable background pain, having flare ups now and again that can make you cry - perhaps on anniversaries or birthdays - but mostly being liveable with.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. Accept the presence of your grief, but have a life anyway. You'll have good days and bad days, but slowly, imperceptibly, the good ones will begin to outnumber the bad. God bless.

It is brutal, you are right. I dealt with grief in all the wrong ways until eventually I had sessions with an amazing Cruse counsellor who basically saved my life. I still feel the losses but I kind of understand the feelings better. And I am probably kinder to myself than I was, I think you need to be very kind to yourself and that feels impossible to do at times.

Good luck OP

I agree it IS brutal... Nothing prepares us for it - I never could have imagined it would be so so painful... (Lost my dad in September) NOTHING has made it feel any easier for one second... am utterly heartbroken and cannot imagine finding joy in anything ever again - although lots of wise people tell me it gets easier/you learn how to live with it etc etc... I hope it does - for you, me and all those going through this

I found that the initial physical feelings do go away, my whole body used to ache and I have never felt so tired. But that does pass and then it’s just about trying to deal with a new way of feeling and living without the person you have lost.

I have learnt that grief isn’t linear - it goes up and down constantly and that While you can try to manage big dates (birthdays, anniversaries etc) the ‘firsts’ of everything are perhaps not the worst and the grief will always be harder leading up to them. And then there’s the unexpected feelings that get you when you least expect that knock you sideways - an older man in a queue that looks a bit like your dad from behind that actually makes your heart hurt.

Advice that I read that did really help was to learn how to let the feelings come, sit with them and they will pass. I learnt how to actually feel that grief coming, feel the wave of feeling and sort of breath through it until it goes. I listened to a ‘happy place ‘ podcast with poonar bell and Ferne cotton where she explains this so well in relation to her own experience.

I think until you experience grief yourself you can’t understand it, and I was guilty myself of the cliches etc until I was there dealing with it. I guess people just want to help and think that those statements will make you feel better xx

Dusty windows - I am so sorry for your loss.

Poonar bell has written a book called ‘chase the rainbow’ which is about the loss of her husband by suicide and her grief. It might be something that could help you - perhaps not just yet but in a few months. X

@Babdoc thank you for this, I am not religious but it was incredibly helpful x

Glitterb, you’re welcome - I’m glad if you gained some comfort.
Sometimes I think we almost need “permission” to mourn, and that people think we ”should have got over it by now” etc, but we all need to take our time and grieve in our own way.
In the immediate aftermath of a much loved person’s death, it can seem impossible that we could carry on without them. But somehow life does go on - it may not be the life you would have had with them, but still a life worth living.
I accept that you are not religious, and I would never try to force my beliefs on anyone. I was supported through my bereavement by God and my minister, and I just try to pass on that help through my ramblings on MN, to comfort others!
I hope nobody feels offended, but I do regularly put OPs and PPs from MN in my prayers at night - not asking for their conversion, but for them to be supported in their lives.