How to support friend whose husband is dying

[Spodge]

A dear friend is dying - the prognosis is about 12 weeks.

I'd really value some advice on how best to support the dying friend and his wife.

If anyone has lost someone close and can comment on what people did or said that was or wasn't helpful I'd be grateful.

Be prepared for the twelve weeks to telescope into far less.

For the dying always let them lead. I visited a dying friend who wanted to talk about renovation plans. Go for it.

Never say any version of "he's better off out of it" when he dies/is close to the end./dead. Someone said that to me about my brother

Don't use the past tense when he isn't dead yet. Someone did this to me about my DH. WTF!

When you offer help, be specific: walk the dog, mow the lawn, cooks meal, and I mean do it. The general just ask me is next to useless as it places a burden on the bereaved to do yet another thing on top of their grief.

Keep coming back with the help, even when turned down. A big ask, but it can take ages for the bereaved to even partially emerge from the murk.

And talk talk talk about the dead person. The silence can be deafening.

You sound like the loveliest of friends, Spodge

Keep coming back with the help, even when turned down. A big ask, but it can take ages for the bereaved to even partially emerge from the murk.

^This. Even when they've turned you down repeatedly or not answered messages. Realise it's nothing to do with you and keep letting them know the lines are open.

A friend found it helpful for me to take bedding to wash daily, when her husband was terminally ill at home.

I agree with everything said upthread, but would like to add, start texts with 'no need to reply'. Things get scattered in grief, you might not hear anything back but it doesn't mean your message isn't appreciated.

Thank you. This is all very helpful.

Oh God. He has just died.

After my partner died friends were amazing. One came with me to get the death certificate; several helped with the funeral, others organised the wake; lots kept me fed - leaving cakes and chocolate and soup on the doorstep when I just couldn't manage to see people, or sitting with me kindly while I wept buckets. Just be there, and keep being there. I'm almost three years on but I still need them.

So sorry Spodge. That’s awful.
Like someone said before, just keep offering specific support with an ‘anything else’ catch all.

So very sorry Spodge

Now is the time for the briefest of visits, casserole in hand. Something that can be frozen. Was beyond grateful for this when my DH died. Feel our cue for staying longer but never be afraid to be upfront: I will stay and help you if you wish. It's hard for the bereaved to say no don't stay, but easier to say, thanks but no help right now.

All the best

The worst thing you can do is stay away for fear of intruding. A brief visit in person or a phone call meant the most to us when my DDad died 6 weeks ago.
DMum and I have been so touched by our many friends who have been there for us.