This isn't right

[crankyhousewife]

I lost my dad last month after a short illness. I adored him. The thing is I'm not overcome with grief. I barely think about him. I want to be sad, I want to be grief stricken. As it is I'm feeling heartless.

This isn't normal is it?

It is. However you feel is normal and fine. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you are giving yourself a hard time.

If it helps the same thing happened to me. Mum died over two months ago and I've only started to feel normal grief ... Today (literally). Apparently it's fairly common.
It was handy, I suppose, as I charged through the arrangements and probate, but I was pretty disturbed by it TBH. So sympathy - it still sucks even though it's not "regular".

I adored my Dad too cranky - he died in 2003, and I kept expecting this tidal wave of grief to hit me. It never has. I shed a few tears occasionally (like this morning) when I think of something, or more often, think how much he would have loved to be with us at a particular occasion.

My thinking is that he was around for 20 years after we thought we'd lost him to a serious illness, and that was an absolute bonus. We said everything we wanted and needed, and made the most of the time we all had. Realistically, he reached a good age too - I'm sure had he died when he was in his 50's, I would feel differently.

Also, I think that it is a tribute to both of my parents that they raised me to be independent and able to survive without them - and to be overcome with grief for a long period would not be doing justice to their parenting.

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad - even if you functioning normally, I know how much it hurts.

As others have said, there's no such thing as right and wrong when it comes to grief, everyone and every circumstance is completely individual. I think you can get too caught up in your own and others expectations around what you 'expect' to feel and how you 'ought' to behave at various times and end up just confused or overwhelmed. The idea that there are defined 'stages' of grief you inevitably pass through in a neat order is helpful for some I'm sure but is only ever a generalisation, you can't really compartmentalise and categorise emotions in that way.

I lost my DDad last year quite suddenly and like you and others, have never really been prostrate with grief in the expected way. In the immediate aftermath there was the shock, and then comes the 'arrangements' and need to support others. I recognise that feeling of almost actively trying to work myself up to 'properly' grieve when I finally had the time to do so, but unhelpfully my emotions weren't running to schedule . I only get really weepy and overtly emotional at inconvenient times and usually set off by feeling stressed or irritated at something else (and once, embarrassingly, at a major family event with my DH's extended family which had very little to do with me, I was desperately trying not to make a 'scene' which of course only made things worse ).

I'm sure isn't this isn't the 'proper' way to deal with things and I do sometimes worry it means I'm not 'normal', but you have to deal with things in your own way and the crucial thing to remember is that none of this reflects in any way on the relationship you had with your Dad or your love for him. I don't know what you believe about people 'looking down on us' after death but I am 100% that when he was with you he knew you adored him, and that if he is still aware in any guise, that you miss him terribly now he's gone.

Would it help you to privately find some way to honour him and your relationship- choosing a nice picture to frame or item to remember him by perhaps? Or just spending some time looking at photos and listening to music, maybe reminiscing with family about happy memories, lighting a candle? Don't expect this to necessarily 'set off' overt emotion if you aren't that sort of person (I'm clearly not) but a way of assuring yourself you aren't just cold and uncaring?

My Dad died 18 months ago and I just feel angry with him really. I thought we had a good relationship, but now I am questioning that. it's very odd.

My brother died 6 years ago and that's been a totally different story, I have a real sense of loss of him. But not my dad. I don't know why.

My point is - there is no normal with grief.

What you have to remember is that you can have the most amazing support network around you, siblings maybe, who know what you're going through, an incredible husband , supportive children etc.. but grief is a journey that you have to undertake alone. It's personal to you and you'll have to do it your own way.

What you're experiencing is normal. I lost both my parents last year within 2 months of each other. Sometimes I'm absolutely fine, sometimes I'm as I always was and sometimes I feel completely destabilised and like I'll never get over it. And then I might wake up the next morning and crack on with life perfectly happily for a few weeks ... until I have a bad day. Or week. Or hour.

You feel what you feel so don't give how you're reacting a second though

Op you could be in shock in a way. I've felt like that at times.