Struggling / Completely Shattered

[mrsjw17]

On Thursday 5th December 2019, I received the worst phone call. A call that I had been dreading but it come way sooner than we’d all expected.

My father found my grandmother on her bedroom floor, she’d passed away some hours before.

I saw her on the Saturday before & she was completely fine..

She has been stuck down with a mystery illness on the Monday & on the Wednesday evening before she died the doctors refused to come out & see her... Knowing now that if they had come out to see her she would still be here now.

I knew that losing her would be one of the hardest things in my life but it really is something else.

I feel shattered, numb & every day there’s not a moment that goes by where she doesn’t come into my head.

I wake up with a soaked pillow where I’ve been crying in my sleep, I have dreams about her & then I can’t fall back to sleep.

I expected that when we laid her to rest I would start to feel better but instead I don’t...?

I have recently been signed off work cause it all got too much. I have also been referred to counselling but waiting for response.

I just don’t know what to do with myself - everything is a struggle...

I’m sorry. Your grandmother obviously meant a lot to you. It’s a very important relationship, and it’s not surprising it’s triggered this sense of loss in you. I hope your pain starts to ease; I feel sure your grandmother wouldn’t want you to feel so bereft. Be kind to yourself, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

She meant more to me than I can put into words.
She really was one in a million.
She would be upset knowing I'm upset, but then I feel like I don't want to not be upset cause then I'm worried I'm forgetting her..
Thank you, I shall continue & try my best to put one foot in front of the other x

I was close to my Granny too ; when she died I was much much more upset and for much longer than I had thought. I just missed her, felt and ache in my heart she was no longer there, also guilt I suppose for the times I hadn’t been as good to her as I could. I think these feelings are very normal. I also think it takes a while and the grief suddenly hits you again just when you least expect it. But it will recede eventually and you will be left with all the good memories. I suppose it is a natural part of life to lose those we love, but it can be very painful and I really feel for you.