Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Burial or Cremation - Baby Girl

19 replies

itmsylifeitsnowornever · 10/02/2020 09:08

We need to decide if we want our baby girl to be buried or cremated. I've always been against burials for a number of reasons that I won't go into. None of mine or DH's relatives have been buried. However, cremation seems wrong for a tiny baby. And we want somewhere we can go to remember her.

If you have been in this most horrendous situation, what did you chose?

OP posts:

Perch · 10/02/2020 09:11

So sorry for the loss of your baby :(
There is a green burial site near us which is absolutely beautiful. But I am also the type of person who quite likes cemeteries. Why are you so much against burials? X

midgetjen · 10/02/2020 09:13

I'm so sorry about your baby girl. I've been in the same position and it's an impossible decision to make. In the end we opted for burial as my husband felt very strongly he needed a place to go to grieve. I actually don't go there as often as I thought I would, and I do have some guilt about that, but it is definitely not where I feel closest to her. I think whatever decision we had made I would still be wondering if it was right, but I am definitely at peace with it now. My advice would be to take your time and don't let anyone rush you into a decision as it needs to be what feels best to you.

Robs20 · 10/02/2020 09:16

We had our baby girl cremated. I had never really thought about it before (who does..) but I felt quite strongly that following her sudden and unexpected death, I couldn’t make the decision about where to bury her as it seemed so final. We moved house last week and her ashes are in a box in my bedroom - actually still in the bag from the funeral director as atm I don’t feel the need to get the box out. I don’t know if we will ever scatter or bury her ashes but for now I take some comfort from having them near by.
I’m so sorry you are going through this - if you have other questions about a funeral etc I can try to help.

TheLolaMontez · 10/02/2020 09:18

Hi op,

Firstly I am so very sorry you are finding yourself in this impossible situation. Our DS1 was stillborn at 38+2 weeks in 2017.

We decided to have him cremated as I didn't like the thought of him being away from us (ie in a graveyard) and I felt that by having him cremated I could bring him back home as I wanted him close. For us it was the right decision.

There was always the option to bury his ashes somewhere or to plant them under a special tree, perhaps in a memorial garden, scattering them somewhere special, however we didn't do this and I don't feel like I would ever want to now.

For context DH and I have no religion or anything like that.

I hope that is a little bit helpful and once again, you have my heartfelt sympathies.

Macake · 10/02/2020 09:22

I don’t know which would be best for you, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss 😞.

Bluebelltulip · 10/02/2020 09:23

Sorry for your loss. We chose cremation for our daughter and have used a small amount of her ashes in rings for me and DH so that she is always with us.

It's a personal decision and there isn't a right or wrong option. It's something no parent should ever have to do. X

NothingWrong · 10/02/2020 09:29

I would personally prefer a burial, but that's me. That's not you. Whatever you do will be right for you.

TheLolaMontez · 10/02/2020 09:31

We also have rings with DS's ashes in. I never take mine off, it brought me a lot of comfort in the early days after he had died.

I think the main thing to remember is there is no right or wrong decision. It's whatever feels most comfortable for you. It's a very difficult decision to make.

oldfashionedtastingtea · 10/02/2020 09:32

We had her cremated and her ashes are in the bedroom. I always thought it was horrendous to have someones ashes at home but when I knew she would die I changed my mind on so many things. I love having her at home. To me it feels like her ashes belong here amongst our daily lives.

You need to do what feels right for the both of you.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 10/02/2020 09:34

Oh Op I am sorry for the loss of your darling baby.

I think cremation is very freeing-then you can have her ashes with you or sprinkled or even buried-but you have time to decide in the fullness of time. It might be easier to have her with you in the short term.

if you want somewhere to go you could dedicate a bench or plant a tree with a plaque on it.

But please do what you want-don't let well meaning family or friends persuade you-do what your gut wants.

beth821 · 10/02/2020 09:36

Just like @oldfashionedtastingtea we cremated our daughter. I love having her ashes in our bedroom too. I feel like she's always with us. I have seen some lovely burial plots but I sadly know a couple of people who unbelievably have had their baby graves vandalised in the local church which is obviously very traumatic.

MyCatScaresDogs · 10/02/2020 09:36

I’m so sorry for your loss. Not quite the same thing but my brother was stillborn at 34 weeks many years ago. My parents chose to have him buried in a family plot with my DM’s grandparents. My DM has definitely found it helpful to have a specific place to visit and likes to take flowers on his birthday and at Christmas.

As others have said, whatever you choose will be the right choice.

LunaticFringe · 10/02/2020 09:40

Sorry that you have to make such an awful decision
We had our stillborn dd cremated. I couldn't face putting her in the ground and leaving her somewhere. I wanted to bring her home. Her ashes are in our bedroom in a nice urn. I couldn't do the ashes in the garden in case we moved. When I die her ashes are to be mixed with mine and we can be scattered or kept together.

LondonernotinLondon · 10/02/2020 09:43

I'm so sorry for your loss this is one of such unfairnesses in life do what brings you calm and peace and how you can best remember her by xx

happymummy12345 · 10/02/2020 10:13

I'm very sorry for your loss. Ultimately it's a very personal decision that only you can make.
Personally I prefer burial in every case as I find it more comforting. I don't like the idea of cremation at all.
However a close friend of mine, her mum had a stillborn baby and they had him cremated as they prefer that to burials.
Though it has to be one of the hardest things to do.

acquiescence · 14/02/2020 17:39

We chose to have our little boy cremated. I can barely bare to think about it. We didn’t want him buried as I hated the thought of his little body being left in the cold ground, thinking each time we visited what his body would look like as it decomposed. It was definitely the right thing for us. Either option is horrible though. We have his ashes at home. We may scatter them somewhere at some point, for him to return to nature.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

acquiescence · 14/02/2020 17:40

So far we have a tree planted for our boy. We are going to have a memorial bench installed in our local park. I think these will serve as places to visit to remember him. I think of him every single second of every day anyway. But I do understand the point of having a ‘place’ to go.

Original poster

itmsylifeitsnowornever · 15/02/2020 09:21

Thank you for all of your comments. We have decided on a cremation, which is happening on Monday.

OP posts:

acquiescence · 15/02/2020 13:03

I will be thinking of you itsmylifenowornever

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread