Mum

[nighttimetalk]

3 weeks ago my mum died suddenly.

We had a roast dinner on the Sunday cooked by her, I spent the afternoon with her and my dad and my son, she's dropped me home at 5pm, my dad called me at 10:30pm because he had gone to see if she wanted a cup of tea and she was dead at her computer chair. He had to give her cpr for 20mins and I ran round while the ambulance tried to revive her for close to an hour.

We got to sit with her for a bit holding her hand and saying goodbye but it didn't help no matter what I tell people.

I feel robbed of my mum, I'm so angry. My life feels so empty without her, she was such a huge part of me and my son. I cry at home on my own because I just don't want to talk about how I'm feeling.

I just want to see her again, I don't feel like I can cope without her.

You have been robbed and you are allowed to feel angry and to cry. I lost my Dad in a similar manner nearly 6 months ago.

It’s awful and so very sad. But you will cope. You will be grateful for that last wonderful day where she got to be your normal mum with no knowledge of what was to come. You will find the good memories come back and, although they make you cry, they make you glad you have them to hold onto. You will cope for your little boy and because you know your mum gave you strength in her many gifts to you.

Talking about how you feel helps, even if it’s just on here.

Take care of yourself. You will find a way to carry on, but don’t rush - gradually find your way.

Oh bless you. This is all still so new for you. You are allowed to feel sad, angry, whatever you need to feel.

In time, when you are ready, please do consider bereavement counselling: cruse is an organisation who helped a good friend of mine. It does not mean that you will forget your mum or be betraying her in anyway. It means that they can help you whilst you are in pain, to understand a little better how to live with it, which could help you and your little boy, going forward.

Would it help to tell us about your mum? My mum died last year and I know how important it was for me to talk about her.

I’m really sorry op. I too lost my mum suddenly out of the blue with no warning.
In the first months I found it helpful to talk out loud to her when I needed to. I also tried hard to know the truth that she would have wanted nothing more than for me and family to be as ok as possible. Sometimes that helped me deal with it.
I really miss the fact that I had no chance to say goodbye (I didn’t see her body). I really love the fact that like you I had a fantastic final visit with her which was a fun filled family outing. That brings me a lot of comfort.
I am hugely changed by her death but I’m doing ok.
It is the toughest thing. I’m sending you and your family support.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Mine died in similar circumstances when I was in my early twenties, before I had my children and it was totally earth shattering. For what it's worth I think what you're feeling is really normal and it will feel raw for a long time. It's true that time helps you to heal in many ways. The unfairness is really difficult to accept though and almost 20 years on I remember my mum and our time together really happily which is a huge comfort but very occasionally grief can still take my breath away.

I didn’t have any counselling or speak to anyone at the time but I wish I had, I think as painful as it would have been at that time that it would have helped. Try to remember to look after yourself if you can.

I think this kind of thing changes you as a person, positively in some ways. I believe people who have suffered such loss cherish relationships and have a special level of love and empathy. Memories will be a huge comfort in time. xxx