Feeling nothing

[yolofish]

I've been thinking about this for ages, wondering where I could spill stuff out, and I reckon Bereavement is the best place.

Sorry if this is long. I've had the worst 18 months of my life.

June 2018, DM fell over and started the slide into a terrible death in November that year.

July 2018, we had to have the dog PTS.

October 2018, DH was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer.

November 2018, DM died - I didnt see her for the last 3 weeks of her life because she got so distressed when I visited, and DH was very unwell.

December 2018, one of DD2's friends hung herself at uni and was found 3 days later by another mutual friend.

Jan-April 2019, DH had chemo/radio

June 2019, DH had major, life-changing surgery

There was all sorts of other shit along the way. DH is now having more chemo, but should, pray god, be clear after that.

Throughout all this I've been the one holding things together, not always very well, but supporting everyone else as best I can. There have been good things along the way too and things to celebrate.

But right now, I just feel ... nothing. Totally blank. Got no mojo, really lack motivation.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm so sorry you're having such a shit time x
I think sometimes the feeling nothing is a defensive mechanism and what usually happens for me at least is that it will hit me further down the line once everything has calmed down . I hope you have plenty of support in rl .

Hi op.
These lack of feelings you are experiencing is a way of protecting you through a very tough time.
As mentioned above, defence mechanisms are very useful at keeping the emotions and anxieties below the surface whilst you battle on.
Do you have anyone you can get support from? A counsellor maybe?
Self care for you is very important so in time you can process everything you have had to live through.

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. I felt the same way after an incredibly tough year with 2 bereavements. I started regaining emotions somewhere between a year and 18 months later, both feeling joy and love again and feeling all the grief that I had not been able to process. I hope you can get support if you need it

So sorry you've had such a shit time. Your feelings sound completely normal. It's just a defence mechanism.
Please take extra special care of yourself right now: say 'no', more baths, more sleep, good food, etc.

Thanks, I was thinking its a defence mechanism. Not much RL support, but I will be better when the weather improves I think and I can get out in the garden properly.

As posters above have said, it’s a protective mechanism. You’ve been through so much.
Look after yourself